Joyful Ordinary

my word

2010-02-17T07:56:00.003-07:00

Clarity.

It's taken some time to arrive at this point... but I'm here. I've been holding my word of the year for a few weeks now - just to make sure it is indeed my word. (I had a few that I held for a day and weren't jiving, but I've got it now!) And what I'm seeking this year is clarity.
Clarity in vision. Clarity in purpose. It is the space of calm before beginning. It is having an intention and then having the courage to move forward. It is having the integrity of saying "yes" to only what is important and following things through to their completion.

In the past, I've jumped towards a goal or destination just to avoid the stillness of not knowing. I'm a chronic starter and not finisher. But this year, I'm committed to listen to the whispers of my quiet heart and give her what she wants. Sometimes this means being very quiet and patient - and I'm committed to that. It also means learning to trust; the moment will present itself when all is ready.

In the mean time I'm going to keep present and keep creating and trust that all will unfold in it's time.

on community

2010-02-11T12:27:00.002-07:00

Don't do it alone. Really.
You don't have to.
There are others out there;
others who are curious about the kinds of things you are,
others who have the same types of struggles you do.

And we're waiting for you.
It might not look like it right now.
Maybe we're waiting for you to find us.
Or maybe we are waiting for you to put out the call of commonality
and draw us all in together
showing us that we are more alike then we are different.
Maybe we are simply just waiting for you to reach out and begin.

you are here...or rather, I am here

2010-02-02T13:57:00.005-07:00

January Moon
(a picture completely unrelated to the following post but included anyway for your viewing enjoyment)
This is the gorgeous view we had just a few evenings ago.

Oh my goodness! It's freaking February already! What happened to January? What happened to 2009?

I know I've been quiet around here lately. I feel like I'm in the depth of great gestation. It's like when your fumbling around in the dark waiting to catch your bearings and grasp your location. Right before the picture becomes clear. That silence and waiting. That trusting that soon you'll figure it out. That's where I've been. Only, I'm learning that finding out my location requires some movement. Some action. In short, some fumbling. So here I am. Fumbling.

I guess, at the heart of it what I'm experiencing is the action of patience and receptivity. I always thought that patience and being receptive were non-action. You know, you're not really doing anything. Yeah, I'm learning different. Saying that is like saying that being pregnant is not doing anything. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Being patient and receptive means paying close attention. Attention to what's going on around me and listening to what is happening in my inner world as well. It is a commitment to really show up and be aware. It is a commitment to do those things and to honor what comes. It is trusting the process. It is risking comfort to listen to the inner stuff of my self. Listening so that I may find some sort of stillness. And in encountering that stillness finding myself, my bearings, my location.

I say all of these things and, of course, realize that what I'm really seeking is an answer. An answer or the answer. I'm looking forward to the next move. That's what I'm itching for. The promise of more action. Of moving forward. On to what's next. Some external sign of progress. Something to hang on my fridge, show my friends or even better, something to cash in at the bank. But before moving on to whatever it is that is next for me, I suppose I'm learning to listen and trust first. Isn't that the only way to proceed forward? Isn't that really the only way to be?

I am so very blessed. My family is healthy. We have a beautiful home and food to eat. I get to stay home with my little boy. And somehow I can get to feeling that what I'm doing isn't enough. I want to rush around to do more. Because honestly, just being here can feel uncomfortable. I'm learning instead to gather up the stuff of my thoughts and my heart and not run into the first direction it sends me; but to sit and trust and be.

sheepish

2010-01-22T14:24:00.002-07:00

Here I am. I've not disappeared. Though many colds have run their course through our house. And so 2010 has started with lots of snot and coughs, sneezing and already a fair share of sleepless nights. Despite this, I am feeling excited. Sometimes overwhelmed and usually very scattered.

I've almost given up on my 2010 resolution of organization! It turns out I don't procrastinate when it comes to throwing in the towel. I know, I know - it may sound dire. I have faith that the weather will turn for warm and inspiration to go through every cabinet and closet we have will find me again. Until then, the bug to find my word of the year has not left me. Though the perfect word I have not found. I've been playing with a few things... I'll be sure to let you know what I land on.

In the mean time I'm enjoying writing in my journal, creating and dreaming of what to create next. I suppose I've been working on getting really clear about what I'm after this year. And also, I sent my official entry form in for the 2010 Contemporary Clay Show! (keeping my fingers crossed)

Well, ending on a random note...that's all for now! Hope your 2010 is off to a super start!

more extraordinary

2009-12-27T12:09:00.003-07:00

caring family and friends
a little extra sunlight each day
a mother-in-law who rubs knots out of my back
the perfect gift from hubby (this and this)
this one made me cry - he loaded all of my songs on it for me- four days worth of music!
a little boy that cuddles and says "I love you too Mommy"
two doves nestled outside in our blue spruce just outside our window
a vibrant fire
a date with my love - dinner and bowling
a big, beautiful house that does not feel cramped with Christmas and guests
a new year

a whirlwind

2009-12-17T16:09:00.004-07:00

holidays
getting ready for family to come visit
my first show! up and running! woo-hoo!
cleaning the house
cleaning the house some more
thinking about making ginger bread from scratch
working to stay present and calm amidst a sick but recovering little boy, who has not been sleeping well
working to stay calm and present and grateful amidst the hubby's health concerns
finding little ways to remember love for myself and my family
painting, dry wall - more painting
more love

more signs of the season

2009-12-14T13:33:00.002-07:00

Extra Ordinary

2009-12-12T13:19:00.001-07:00

I love word play. Things like disease being dis - ease.

And the word universe. Uni meaning one and verse as in song. Universe = one song.

Or how about the word compassion. Ever notice: compassion. Yep, the word compass tucked neatly into compassion. Let compassion be your guide. Compassion, it has it's own built in compass.

Here's another one: extraordinary. Extraordinary. Extra Ordinary. It has been true in my life, and is the spirit of this blog; what feels the most extraordinary is really a beautiful, complete moment tucked into the most ordinary, the most mundane - the extra ordinary.

So let's celebrate the extra ordinary!

a perfect cup of tea in my favorite mug
warm fuzzy socks
lists
noodles
Christmas trees
snuggling up to watch a movie by the fire

How about you? What are your extra ordinaries right now?

signs of the season

2009-12-08T14:38:00.002-07:00

I've been hiding out as of late. Enjoying time away from the computer. Cooking, baking, cleaning, listening to the radio. Settling back in. Our trip to our old home town seemed jarring. It has taken me a while to settle back into a routine and sense of home. Changing seasons, weather, the upcoming holidays and everything that goes with it, as well as everyone in our house but me getting sick has made it more difficult to find that sense of center.

But this morning, wonderful of wonderful, a blanket of white and still falling snow! Nothing feels like cozy warm home like fresh snow outside!

home again

2009-12-03T13:26:00.006-07:00

I've been finding that when I try to put down full coherent thoughts lately I've been rambling...then I get lost, so I ramble some more in an attempt to find out where I was going. This little pattern has lead to lots of unfinished (but long) posts. So in an effort to finish (oh, I struggle with this everywhere. all the never completed...what mom doesn't? that's another post in and of itself...see! the rambling!) oh, yes, finish! I will be attempting a little different format. Something akin to my beloved lists!

Home
Returning to our new home after a road trip to our old home town.
Seeing our old home and town with distance, new eyes and fresh perspective. I'm left appreciating our new place in the world. The quaint of a small town. The beauty that surrounds our new home. A home that fits us perfectly (including room to grow). Our big family bed!

The new home and the dreams that go with it: move kitchen, change flooring, put in another bedroom, contemplate having more children, garden, garden, garden.

I'm left from our trip also thinking about the concept of home. The home of my childhood and places I have called home as I have grown into adulthood. What makes a home? What is important to me that I cultivate in our home for my family?

I'm also thinking about how I return to homes from my past with sporadic regularity. Returning to homes from my past always gives me perspective; remembering where I was then, the realization of where I am now. There is joy for the journey and longing for what was all bundled in that instant of seeing an old shell that I once occupied. What makes a home for you?

And also...
In an effort to celebrate what I have completed I will be paying tribute here.

Taking my sewing machine in to have it cleaned for the first time ever! It was a hand-me-down from my mother and I remember I was 11 when she got it. That means its 18 years old! Needless to say the machine is super grateful and now sews like a dream!

I was able to finish this apron that I started sewing 3 years ago...I have many more in the works and am hoping they will not take nearly as long to complete.

random thoughts from the week

2009-11-24T14:22:00.006-07:00

I've been busy writing posts in my head all week...unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) none of them have survived in memory long enough to transcribe them. So instead, here are snippets of thoughts from the week.

The winter sun draws out the darkness and exaggerates it. The shadows are longer , reaching and spreading to new places. The nights stretch out and create long dark quiet.

A finished sculpture:

She finally did the only thing there was left to do, she spoke the truth that was in her heart.

Feeling grateful: that I've never had to use my home insurance, for my family and our health, for dear friends, for a big soft cozy warm bed, and the loved ones who share it with me, the little boy who talks in his sleep and the snoring husband.

Moving through all of the mixed feelings as the little boy continues to completely ween from momma milk...sigh. Sad about it as I write this. Grateful at the prospect at 3am when he's nursing himself back into slumber.

Looking forward to road trip, visiting family and our old home town. So I'll be away for a week.

I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!

monday morning

2009-11-17T08:19:00.004-07:00

Is it quite possible to have it all, she wondered.

Then she tossed and turned, rearranged, flopped, straightened her stockings and decided maybe, just maybe she could jump high enough to fly.
and for a brief moment she felt her feet come off the ground.

p.s. notice the latest Artful Blogger by Somerset Studio in the photo- it is full of comfort and inspiration! Also tucked into this photo, my favorite (and first) handmade apron, which I now cannot wear because every time I do my little boy demands that he wear it (which is adorable)- even though I've made him his own apron (he must sense that wearing mine is extra cute).

a quick something brighter

2009-11-15T15:10:00.005-07:00

Hi all! Whew...I needed to brighten things up around here a bit. That gray was bringing me down. Yellow it is! And one day, I promise I will figure out how to get things so that my blog will look just as I want it! Meaning the title photo will fit just so on the page.

On a different and completely random note: having my two year old boy means getting to enjoy my morning coffee outside despite the season or temperature. The kid loves snow!

Hope everyone is having a splendid weekend!

a passing thought ...

2009-11-13T13:21:00.003-07:00

The house feels terribly disorganized

and I begin again to put off my happiness...
I should... I should... I should....
Maybe if....
It would be better if....
I'll be really happy when...
and on
and on.
How many times a day do I get stuck in this thinking?
All the while ignoring, ungrateful what the present moment continues to offer (despite my constant wandering dissatisfaction):
my little boy discovering the world that exist beneath tables and chairs, the winds blowing the last of the stubborn leaves from the trees, bringing cooler weather and the promise of snow. The promise of another perfect moment.

honesty

2009-11-09T13:42:00.002-07:00

Here's me just being honest: I'm afraid to really put myself out there. And I guess with good reason - out there can't be taken back. Out there may last forever. Or until I erase what I've shared. Out there is scary and might illicit the criticism of others. I'd love to share but I also want to make everyone happy. See my predicament? You can't make everyone happy. Really all I control is my own happiness.

Here is what I like: people who move with authority, people who aren't afraid to look like they know where they are going (like my son, he's only two and is a natural at this. In fact he is a master! He is 100% where ever he is - when he's thinking, he's thinking, when he's playing, he's playing. He doesn't do anything half way. He isn't busy in his little brain trying to conjure up a healthy dinner for tonight while trying to wriggle the pillow out of its case. He is there 100% smashing and throwing that pillow with all of his mental and physical might, shaking it loose.

I am afraid the plight out of childhood may be lessons of learning where we are not safe in this world. And my work as an adult is learning to re-create safety in my world for myself and those I love.

new beginnings with more clarity

2009-11-06T14:01:00.005-07:00

First, I want to give a big hello and thank you to all of my readers! Hello! Thank you for reading! Yes, you! I know you are out there! Go on and give your self a big hug! Because that's what I would do if I were able!

I've been at this blog off and on now for almost two years! I started this blog 4 months after my little one was born. I wasn't quite sure why I started this blog - or if I did know, I wasn't able to admit it to myself, but the reason has made itself clear to me now...connection! (I mean sure there are other reasons too - it forces me to write for an audience and that pushes me to gain more clarity in my thoughts). But mainly I think, I started this blog because my new undertaking of motherhood was lonesome! Much more so than I had anticipated. Scary lonesome sometimes. Depression lonesome sometimes.

I had (and still have) great friends and help and a wonderfully supportive mate - but still I needed something else. Something to validate me and my path. I was a long time lurker of other blogs and it looked like fun.

So sheepishly, I admit that blogging started as a way of reaching out but felt more like a high school popularity contest - yuck! This was of course, all my own making. I was measuring the "success" of my blog by how many readers or comments I had. (what makes a blog a "success" anyhow?) This of course, especially in the beginnings of a blog did not help me to feel more confident or any less lonesome!

Where am I going with all of this? Well, after being in our new home and a new town for 6 months, after watching some of my uncertainties and fears settle back down to the bottom - I am looking around, taking inventory and looking at my blog; I'm seeing what I've been after here and everywhere else is connection. A sense of belonging. And ironically one of the ways I receive this is through affirmation.

So, thank you. And I guess it's also about continuing to learn to trust the process, my process. Learning to trust that the universe provides. That it really is okay. Learning to trust that you, dear reader are out there. Even if I don't know you are. Here I am reaching out anyway. Because that is who I am. And this is who I want to be. And I would love to know that you are there but I don't feel compelled to know - I don't have to know. I trust that I am enough just as I am. Right here. Right now. And so are you!

a wednesday

2009-11-04T21:26:00.005-07:00

"Is it possible," she says, "to believe that you are not drowning at all, that this sea is an ocean of love, waiting to envelope you in all the ordinary things that will set your heart free?" The Queen of Hearts - Lewis Carol

Yep. Needed to hold on to this one today. A mixture of surprise, struggle and triumph. Received some extra money, (woo-hoo!) Plumbing backed up, spent said money.

Also, my moods seem to change with the winds. I start with great intentions but feel blown away -or soggy from an overflowing toilet. And my general outlook goes where the water should have - down the drain. I continue to practice being kind to myself. Oh, yeah - and those around me too. But darn it when I'm crabby it is not an easy task. So, in celebration of triumph over the crabbiness and our plumbing woes a gratitude list!

I'm grateful:
-I get to take a shower tomorrow morning in my own shower
-my little boy has fallen into a gentle bedtime routine that is enjoyable for everyone
-for my own studio space
-and cute new shoes
-support
-and community
-a husband who continues to try and cheer me up
- and finally, my big beautiful grown up bed! (and the promise of a new day)

rose hips

2009-10-28T14:27:00.005-06:00

Have I written yet about our fabulous new (to us) old house? Have I said here, that I'm sure the universe was listening to me and hubby's bedtime conversations as we dreamed about what our next house would be? The universe even gave me well established gardens(and badly in need of tending).

Here we are 5 months now in a new town. Settling in. And I have inherited from our new home the most fabulous of roses, everywhere. Roses as big as grapefruits in the Summer. Roses that are so red they glow. And roses that bloom right up to the first snow. And...they are still alive - 5 months in to my being their new caretaker. So, I've been collecting rose hips. And I've made some sort of rose hip concoction. I basically boiled the hips until they were soft and saved the liquid. Now what? I'll let you know how the experimenting goes.

troubles in potty training

2009-10-26T14:54:00.002-06:00

More struggles in toddler world. Potty training. Uhg! He was doing so well! That is, until the concept of pooping in the potty was introduced. Here's what has happened since then and how we have digressed:

8AM
Little Boy running around with no diaper on.
Mom trying to encourage, coax and bribe little boy on to potty. He clearly has to go. And little boy, going on the potty is so much fun!
Little boy refuses to go into bathroom.

8:05
Mom against her better judgment grabs potty from bathroom and brings into kitchen where little boy is.
Little Boy still running around with no diaper looking somewhat interested but still refusing to sit on potty. Still clearly has to go.

8:07
Little boy: clearly pushing
Mom: giving up on the potty tries with all of her might to encourage little boy off of carpeted area and onto linoleum.
Little boy poops on carpet.
Mom picks up poop with wipes, goes to bathroom flushes said mess, moves potty back into bathroom where it belongs.
Little boy continues running around with no diaper.

8:09
Little boy excited: pee pee on potty!
Mom excited: let's go pee pee on the potty!
Little Boy: No, floor. Pointing to where the potty just was in the kitchen.
Mom tries to explain the potty belongs in the bathroom while trying to convince little boy into bathroom.
Little Boy begins whining. Quickly turns to screaming. Screaming becomes full fledged tantrum.
Mom carries little boy into bathroom to show him where the potty went.
Little boy is still very upset. Will not sit on potty. Any attempts to push this by Mom are met with more enraged screaming.
Mom decides it is time for a diaper. This is met with more upset from Little Boy. Mom diapers little boy anyway.

8:15
Little boy is diapered playing with blocks, content.

I wish I could say that this was the first occurrence of this in our household. The truth is I have cleaned poop off my floor the last 4 days in a row. That doesn't bother me so much as the tantrums. And worse, I'm not sure what to do. I think the Little Boy is just more comfortable pooping while standing. What's a mom to do?

I can say however, I have learned some things. He responds better when I don't change things (moving the potty is a BIG mistake). And he also seems to calm more quickly when I make command parent decisions and quickly. Ex. Despite his upset diapering him.

Sigh. This too shall pass...

an ode to lists

2009-10-22T14:20:00.006-06:00

I love lists. I literally have lists of lists. They can hold random things and still seem organized. They signify a process. They say "Yes, I have it together. I know what I'm doing. Look I have a list." You can't doubt someone with a list.

So when trying to compensate for my feelings of doubt, uncertainty, and general insecurity I create a list. Needless to say, I have hundreds of lists. I even have a book of lists. My favorite kind of list is "the dream list". It's kind of a Mondo Beyondo. A list in which I write all and any dreams, fantasies and fabulous (even and especially outrageous) things I'd like to do. I have two kinds of dream lists; I like to do one at the beginning of every year, I also like to keep one for my entire life.

Dream lists are fun and magical. They encourage me to dream BIG. They also provide a record. In looking back, I can see tangibly the dreams that I have accomplished.

who knew? maybe I really do know what I'm doing!
and
holy cow! the universe really is a magical place that is conspiring on my behalf!

Looking back on my dream lists also allows me to see what I have accomplished and how I have grown and changed. Accomplishing one goal, that I initially might have thought of as a BIG dream (getting a Master's degree) naturally creates momentum for my further adventures (think PhD). I can also see how I outgrow some items. Ex. be part of a Criss Angel trick (I haven't crossed that one off yet but at some point I might)

So in ode to lists here is one of mine!
list taken from above photo

1. establish a wonderful and beautiful garden
2. garden sculptures
3. go on a retreat - something creative and spiritually inclined
4. take a writing class
5. paint a silk scarf
6. mail super wonderful packages and letters to friends - just for the fun of it!
7. have dedicated time for creative endeavors; art and writing
8. create garden and lawn sculptures
9. find and participate in a group or organization that is specifically to foster spirit
10. be able to do a headstand without assistance of a wall
11. get published
12. make money with my writing
13. make money with my art work

What are some items on your list of things to do while you're here?

slaying dragons

2009-10-21T05:57:00.003-06:00

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are but princesses that are waiting to see us act just once with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest essence, something helpless that needs our love.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

...tending to my dragons and being generous with love.

at it again

2009-10-13T13:59:00.004-06:00

most recent work entitled, Affirmation

Hello all! Well yes, I am at it again. And with a vengeance now. Thank heavens!
You may be asking yourself She's at what, exactly? Well, life I suppose would be the answer. But to be more specific...I'm feeling more like I've found the path again. My path.

Sometimes, it is nice to wander without direction but other times, the wandering feels tedious and taunting. The world seems to be mocking me and my misdirection. I struggle to honor my own struggle. And as of late, well since we've moved really, I've felt all turned around. And unsure of every step. At times I felt there were no options or directions. Then other times I felt like every direction was available (which was equally overwhelming).

As I think back on old posts, this does not seem to be a new topic for me...and maybe I've written a hundred times that I'm starting to feel settled. Maybe it's been my mantra and something I've longed to feel.

Nonetheless I am starting to settle - and get reacquainted and more comfortable with those parts that will always flux. Home is starting to feel like home. I've gotten back to taking more courageous leaps - introducing myself to new people, admitting to strangers that I am an artist, making new friends, creating more work, day dreaming about the future and using those dreams to set goals (like creating enough work to fill a kiln by December). Here's a sneak peak at what I've been up to in my new studio space...

laying under a rock

2009-10-08T09:06:00.002-06:00

She was overwhelmed by indecision. And so she decided to make no decisions at all. As it were, she sat down. . . then lay down. Right there on the very ground where she walked. She placed a very large weighty rock on the center of her belly - to keep her from blowing away. She lay there until she could find her center again, until her sustenance returned, until she could find her self and with it her courage and voice. Her cool ability to boldly state her intentions, her desires and decisions.

because you are beautiful !

2009-10-02T14:34:00.003-06:00

coming into focus

2009-09-29T21:21:00.002-06:00

I am learning to embrace myself. To not be so self conscious, so full of doubt. I am learning to get out of my own way. To be gentle. I'm learning to reach for my dreams and quiet the constant wanting of my heart - which is probably not my heart at all...but my mind, my ego making promises in the future. You'll be happy when... like trying to set the time by dandelion fluff.

I am asking myself what's really important to me? over and over again, so that I don't forget. So that I don't get sucked into what's not important. Like getting all the laundry done - or television.

I'm learning to center myself around what is important to me. The joy of creating, acts of nurture, my little boy's laughter, loving those I love. I am still asking myself what is important and what do I want - but I'm also recognizing what is already here now. Those things that once started as that very question. I'm learning to recognize and honor the grace in my journey - learning to savor the adventure of it all.

lonesome

2009-09-24T12:00:00.002-06:00

We've been here for 3 and half months. It feels like we've been here a year already. And yet as the season changes I remember that I've not ever experienced Autumn here - or Winter for that matter. And then, of course there's Spring. We've had visitors and projects, trips and outings. In other words, we've kept quite busy. But all along there's been this little sadness. When the visitors are really more the hubby's friends than mine. When my best friend comes out and I'm so happy but somewhere in the back there's that part of me that's always looking forward and I know, I know - she has to go home soon.
And so the sadness has been. A quiet lulling blanket, like Winter's snow. I hardly notice it at all anymore. Until it changes. Until I begin to notice the warm thawing of a new acquaintance, that might be a new friend. And although my loneliness seems to slowly be turning itself over - to a new sense of community, to new possibility and a wonderful new home, I know the coldness is still there. I've learned that it has always been there, waiting. Even in that old home. Moving has made it more poignant. Moving has taken my comfort and security that I used to keep it at bay. But in fact, there is always that awkwardness about myself. It's all my sense of loss and fear. It the quiet desperation of wanting so badly to be accepted and loved. And wondering if it will happen. It's my inner adolescent without the cool disguise.
And just like adolescents, what I've come to appreciate about this loneliness is that it is something that needs embracing. It's okay to feel lonesome. We all do.

"The trouble with loneliness is that there's no one to share it with."

I found that last quote somewhere I don't remember. I would love, love, love to know where it came from - a wise soul , no doubt. If you know, please share. That beautiful truism needs an author line.

don't should on your friends

2009-09-20T21:26:00.003-06:00

My life seems full of shoulds...I should do this, I should do that. I shouldn't have done this. Guilt, regret.
And sometimes it's learning to let those things go.
So I feed the little boy a Popsicle for breakfast.
I should write more. Take more pictures. Laugh more often. Lighten up. Be in the moment. Enjoy.
It's a hard thing to do when I'm beating myself up for what I should have done.

And so it goes.
The days are getting shorter. And the shadows longer. The air crisp like a clean sheet of paper.
Waiting for what I should do.
And in the mean time, I'm just trying to lighten up.
Or decide if I shouldn't just learn to appreciate myself the way I am.
It's a little upside down and inside out.
Crazy.

today

2009-09-05T16:20:00.002-06:00

I'm obviously catching up on my posting...I'm sure I was going through withdraws. I thought you'd enjoy this. Today we made rock shoe soup with a large side of golden lab. What a perfect way to end summer.

be fri and st ends

2009-09-05T16:03:00.003-06:00

I wrote this post Thursday, last week - but alas we've been without internet forever ... okay only for about a week. So this post hasn't been able to make its way out into the Universe until now..

we sit for hours under the stars, chatting. sharing those parts of ourselves too tender or ridiculous to share elsewhere. she hears those parts of me that have been aching for company in a new lonesome town. she listens with compassion as I mark off the lists of reasons why I'm sure I'm an unfit mother. we talk about our relationships with our husbands and our mothers. when I'm unsure or off center, she feeds me kind words and understanding. it seems as we stare into the sky and share our dreams of who we will become, that she believes in me more than I believe in myself at times. her belief gives me courage. she shares her amazement at my little life here in the country and I'm reminded of all I have to be grateful for. albeit, she's miles away from me now. when she pulls out of our drive after four blissful days of sisterhood, I gulp back tears and then sob. I had overlooked my love for her when she was just a block away. I'd not noticed the depth of my caring for her. I underestimated the comfort I received. she's my be fri and I'm her st ends. .
Unafraid to be girly girls together - truly best friends.

welcome to mama's sacred studio space

2009-09-05T15:42:00.005-06:00

A place where nothing is thrown or broken by anyone but mama.
A place mama comes to rest her tired soul when she's worn thin and ragged and rumpled.
A place where she's just enough - as is.
And the only demands here are the ones she puts on herself.
It's a place where she finds herself again and again, as long and as many times as she needs to.
A place away from any unwanted distractions.
A place of quiet, peace and joy.
Fill up child, you are nurtured here. You are deeply cared for.
There is nothing here that has to be done - or undone.
Just you and this quiet perfect moment.

I wrote this one evening a few weeks ago. In need of quiet and escape. This isn't always true of this space (as you can see by the scattered pencils and rolling pin on the floor, both done by little hands). But the moment I wrote this, when I needed it to be, it was true. My sacred escape from the demands of the day and household. I used to curl up in an empty bathtub behind a closed door when I needed an escape(and I look forward to returning to the habit as soon as we have a bathtub). There is something so absurd and comforting about climbing in an empty tub and laying down with all of your clothes on. I highly recommend it. It's like a quickie retreat for my soul and I always end up chuckling at myself. But now, I have this huge, promising space - just waiting for me!

I wished and wished for so many years to have my very own studio! And now, I do! Dreams do come true! I'm so happy to share them with you. Wishing you a bright, quiet moment that is all your own today!

Love,
Jo

dog daze

2009-08-29T16:12:00.002-06:00

Because I feel I need to write something...

The last few days of summer...

my best friend leaving.

a broken modem...so now I type in a Starbucks...

feeling better but sluggish in the heat.

been spending time sculpting.

Found a fantastic new yoga studio.

The little boy is becoming very adept at throwing tantrums....

and hitting

and biting again. (I used to be one of those people who believed children only did what was modeled for them by others...ha ha ha. Now I'm a parent and I know better!)

Practicing lots of breathing.

Reminding myself to enjoy the moments.

I Promise more lengthy and detailed posts once our Internet is up and running. This Thursday.

right now

2009-08-18T14:27:00.002-06:00

I've been hiding out as of late. I'm sick with a little bug right now. The boy is on the mend from said illness. Being sick with a kiddo is the pits! So I've been playing it low and listening to myself. Also, prior to this little physical downer, I've been feeling a little blue. I've been itching for a sense of community that I just haven't found yet. Moving is tough! On an up note, my little brother is coming out to visit me tomorrow before he takes off for grad school. Then next week one of my very bestest friends in the whole universe is coming with her two precious daughters. I'm looking forward to a little love balm for my soul.

words from the universe

2009-08-08T08:58:00.003-06:00

Searching for some inspiration this morning, I picked out a book and randomly flipped to a page. I thought some Shel Silverstein was bound to be uplifting. Here's what came up:

Helping

Agatha Fry, she made a pie,

And Christopher John helped bake it.

Christopher John, he mowed the lawn,

And Agatha Fry helped rake it.

Zachary Zugg took out the rug,

And Jennifer Joy helped shake it.

And Jennifer Joy, she made a toy,

And Zachary Zugg helped break it.

And some kind of help

Is the kind of help

That helping's all about.

And some kind of help

Is the kind of help

We all can do without.

Me, myself, I'm not sure which is which at the moment. I'm still looking for a little clarity.

confessions of a quitter

2009-07-28T13:33:00.003-06:00

Okay, so I haven't been painting this week. I haven't posted either...because I knew that I would have to fess up. It's just been too much. We had new carpet put in three rooms. We tore the old carpet out ourselves. And some serious demolition needed to happen in the basement before it got carpet. I've been working through my typical painting times. And now that it's all over all I want to do is ... well, nothing. So here are some pictures of my little experiment...

mama's broken heart

2009-07-23T08:17:00.004-06:00

I'm sure I've had the feeling before; whenever the little boy is in pain. But the other day at the library I had the most visceral experience of it. And I don't care to have it again. Ever.

The little boy was playing outside of a playhouse. Peaking in on other children, his own game of peek-a-boo. Only, the other children didn't like it. They were older and my little boy was interrupting their play. Go Away. One of the older boys stated. And then my little boy fell onto his bottom. And cried. Maybe my boy was pushed, either way my heart was broken. Not for the pushing or hurt bottom...no, no. My boy has and will continue to do his fair share of shoving. But for the rejection. Gasp. I had a glimpse into a fact that we all face. And I do not want to face it for my little love. We all get rejected. My little boy was over it in a matter of seconds. I however am still dealing with the fact that part of my job will be to witness his rejections and heartache. I just don't want it to happen. Ever. Bumps, bruises - they are part of life. Broken hearts, I know they are too. It's just incomprehensible because I am his momma. Who would ever want to reject my sweet, beautiful little boy?

Okay, enough gushing. I'm almost over it for now.

On a positive note, I recently spoke with my dear and talented artist friend. I got a little pep talk on the paintings. Hence my tenacity. Yes, I'm still painting. And the good news is that it's gotten better. Maybe even the paintings too - maybe not. But my feelings about the process have improved. Feelings in the art world, it turns out are no different from the rest of life...they pass and move on. So I'm happy to say that through the uncomfortable feelings, the ones that create the chatter and demons that tell me I should just quit, I kept going. I kept painting. I'm on my way to making friends with those pests. They didn't stop me this time!

a good whine

2009-07-17T13:32:00.004-06:00

I'm incredibly frustrated with this whole painting thing. I think I am just over a week on the ordeal and I'm over it! I am not sure why it is I decided to do this. Thank goodness yesterday was a better painting day or I might not have made it in there today. Yeesh! I'm feeling pretty hopeless with it all. When I think about the "artist life" I think about peaches and roses and all sorts of sweetness. My mind conveniently edits out all of the intricacies and possible struggles.

What's it for? What's it for? That's what I ask in my mind over and over again as I paint. Even though I said what it's for when I started this whole experiment. "If you hate it this much" my demons say, "why don't you just quit?" I'm doing some serious mental battles here. I've written right on my studio wall "There is no such thing as failure only giving up" You'd think my demons would get the message but they press on.

And then there's the actual paintings...I'm sure the good days and bad days are obvious in the paintings themselves. Although I've not looked at them as a whole, from memory I've noticed some themes: the female form, pregnancy, bugs, nature, trees, fruits, squiggles and circles. There is a childishness to some if not most of the paintings. The content all seems a bit strange - but whatever. My job isn't to decipher or psychoanalyze what they are; my job is to simply show up every day whether I like it or not and get something down on paper with paint. So that's what I'll keep doing. Even though right now I'm looking very much forward to the end.

P.S. I've finally found my cord to the camera so I promise pictures will come soon!

today

2009-07-10T21:11:00.006-06:00

Day one of the painting extravaganza down! I'm feeling excited about it. I wrote the last post in a bustle of inspiration. A mad dash before nap time ended. Today's painting was done during the same time and in the same spirit. A "hurry and just get it in or you never will" sort of fashion. I'm grateful for the imposed deadlines of nap time. It forces me to leap - or not. There is no in between. And I'm feeling like that's what it's all about. Either I jump or I don't. I work at asking myself lovingly, "Am I moving in the directions of my dreams? Am I moving towards the me I want?" I'm starting to think they don't have to be big moves either. It doesn't have to be dramatic. But it does need to be earnest and heartfelt. An inch is perfect as long as your whole being is in that inch. I guess that's where I'm at...learning how to really inhabit my life. All of my life. Inch by inch. So that my heart is in every inch. The little, the yucky, the tired, the small, the insignificant, the ordinary, the joyful.

the next 30

2009-07-09T13:37:00.003-06:00

During nap time, which has been hustle, do chores and cultivate inspiration I was battling my fears. I have a beautiful (well potentially beautiful) studio space now. My fears are of failure. Of doing nothing. My fear of failure is that I will not create anything and if I do it won't be finished. In doing battle I realized 2 things: I need goals and deadlines and I need accountability. So here I am. Nap time is almost over and I'm leaping. Starting tomorrow I will do one painting a day for 30 days. They don't have to be good. They just have to be done. You are my accountability. Also I'll be calling some best friends. Hold me to it. 30 days, 30 paintings!

this month

2009-07-09T12:02:00.002-06:00

In the last 30 days I have:

relocated our home
unpacked (mostly)
cleaned, scrubbed, rearranged, repeat
knocked down 3 walls
helped move a safe - yes a safe! it came with the house
pulled more weeds than I have in my entire life
moved some rocks
purchased a king sized bed - woo hoo!
been to the farmer's market
had company for a weekend
had more company for a week
grocery shopping, grocery shopping, grocery shopping
started setting up my studio!
painted
spent lots of time at the library
and park

Wow, put in a list it seems less impressive. All of the company has come and gone. Me and the mister will continue settling into our new home, the way only we do; by rearranging, remodeling and ripping things out. Next up carpeting!

company

2009-07-08T11:58:00.003-06:00

I've not disappeared. We have company, in from out of town. Our pets, it turns out also have company. The uninvited type...ticks. Yuck! Our company, on the other hand, is fabulous. Warm and kind. Funny and vibrant. And forgiving...the little boy won't stop pushing and hitting their little girl. sigh. More later.

a random list of sorts

2009-06-30T12:57:00.004-06:00

Still no cord for the camera...

We have company coming this week. Looking forward to visiting with good friends - but feeling a little overwhelmed.

I have a forever long and growing to do list.

Dealing with an assertive and ornery little boy. He's figuring things out, testing limits. Driving me nuts! It's that devilish little grin when he knows it's a no and does it anyway. My bad karma come back to haunt me.

Enjoying local honey from the farmer's market.

Wondering how am I going to get through the summer with this heat!?

Just got my library card for Mesa County Libraries! They're not gonna know what hit them. I already have a list of books I'm gonna check out. Oh, I do love my library!

Harvesting my old journals. Looking back through at past wishes and worries, finding ideas to expand on. Seeing that I've always just needed to give myself lots kindness.

Thankful for a napping boy.

Now back to my to do list...

a long hot spring

2009-06-24T12:35:00.003-06:00

Searching for just the right spot. Not too much sun - or too much shade. Looking to dig my roots in deep. Let the soil feed me as I reach towards the heavens. And grow.

Here's what settling in and a long hot spring looks like...

Okay, pictures to come soon...

I can't find my cord that connects the camera to the computer...

Moving and settling in, no kidding...sheesh.

home again, home again

2009-06-18T11:24:00.002-06:00

Unpacking. Boxes everywhere. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. Where does everything go? Where is everything? How did we acquire so much stuff? And yet it seems I still don't have everything I need. I cringe at the thought of purchasing more stuff with so much to unpack...but we do need curtains, and this to replace the sink and then of course this over here. So I do need that. And that is how I end up with more stuff. I'm having fantasies of wiggling my nose and it all falling into place. Either that or pitching it all and living like a nomad.

the struggle

2009-06-16T12:46:00.002-06:00

So I have to be honest, I've been thinking about deleting - or rather removing all of the old posts. It's been so long. I feel a little sheepish picking this back up again. Looking at all of the old posts. Trying to remember what I am doing this for anyway. All of those goblins step up to the microphone, "who do you think you are?" they ask. Then I remembered a quote by Rumi that's been haunting me since I read it:

Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.

The quote, by the way, I found in Life, Paint and Passion which is an awesome book. I'm only upset I didn't hear about it sooner. It got me psyched about honoring my process with paints!
It's funny, I read that quote a few weeks before moving here. Where I don't know anyone except my aunt that lives one town over. I was feeling doubtful. Afraid. Then this flies off the page at me. Well alright, universe. I'll go for it already.

Sometimes I think life is about learning to get out of your own way.

where have I been?

2009-06-13T22:39:00.002-06:00

So six months is quite a sabbatical, eh? I could throw out all kinds of excuses: the dog ate my computer, I have a 19 month old son, we put our house on the market, sold our house and are now living in a brand new town. I could also apologize and make all kinds of promises...so I already gave you the excuses but I won't do the apology and promises thing. What I will say is, I'll give it another go and we'll see how it turns out.

Tomorrow will mark the first week in our new house in a new town. What I can say so far, it's a lovely and small town, moving is crazy and I miss my loved ones back home. My melancholy with moving is particularly heightened because my husband had to go out of town for 4 days, leaving me and the little one here in our new home and a new town. Have I said that I'm living in a new town? Anyone reading this in Grand Junction, I am the one driving in circles looking a little sad and confused.

So about the new town. First, thank goodness it's relatively small so I can't get too lost or confused. And also, small towns make for friendly people - or at least everyone I've met here. I'm sharpening up on my conversation skills. Everyone is so friendly. People say "hi, how are you" here and seem to mean it. There's follow up conversation about the weather or anything else you may have in common. It's lovely! And has helped with the melancholy.

Our new home already feels like home. It needs lots of work. The mister and I have lots of home projects outlined for our future. It's spacious and roomy and has lots of character. And a space for a studio for me! I couldn't be more thrilled!

So there you have it. I'm back. At least for now.

test anyone?

2009-01-29T09:07:00.006-07:00

I've been hiding out. Lurking, looking, admiring others. Dreaming of what my new blog could look like. It's still in the works but I just couldn't hide anymore. Right now it looks plain and drab and the final product, which will no doubt evolve, may not have all the soul I am hoping for...but alas...

In other news, I'm back to my normal routine of taking regular pregnancy tests. It's something I've always done but lately I've been even more of a nut than usual. So here's the thing, I've always been super paranoid about getting knocked up. Call me crazy but I think that the world of pregnancy tests will take a financial hit when I go into my menopausal years and no longer need their services. I shudder to think what I would be like if I lived decades earlier when pregnancy detection was not as convenient. I have a stock of tests. Especially now that the dollar store sells them. I mean really how could a girl like me resist? Some people gamble, I take pregnancy tests. I get the slightest chill or queasiness and the next morning I'm peeing on that stick. It doesn't help matters that I'm still nursing and so have been without my blessed monthly friend for over a year now. Some days I really do miss her...but until she returns I'll just keep regularly checking my urine for hCG.

the magic trunk and my artistic process

2009-01-07T09:02:00.003-07:00

Well, it finally happened...after years of waiting and wishing. You see I have always dabbled creatively. And I've always had the belief that in order for me to really be productive and make great stuff I need a dedicated space. A space all my own. Space to spread out breath and keep everything. For the last 10 years I've been spread out everywhere. Well, I don't have a dedicated space all my own (yet) but I finally got it all in one accessible spot, right next to the kitchen table where I usually work. It's relieving, exciting and a little scary. In my head I've told myself that's what's been holding me back. Now what excuses do I have? I mean a dedicated space is still important to me. But I can now officially take over the kitchen table and store it all in my magic trunk for safe keeping in between working.

The other night I was laying in bed with the mister and it hit me - nobody is holding me back but me! What a thought. When I pay attention to the things I tell myself, I realize I am always blaming my unhappiness on others. I would be happy if...fill in the blank. It usually goes something like this, I would be happy if so and so would do something different which would enable me to do something different and then I would be happy, more productive, rich, more fulfilled, whatever. Why am I making my happiness contingent on others? Who knows. But it is something I will be paying more attention to and stopping. That's how the magic trunk came about in the first place.

Well, the trunk has always been magic and I've had it for years. I found it at an old antique store at least 10 years ago. I loved the beat up look of it and the old 1940's newspaper I found in the bottom of it. The store has since closed. But the trunk has been with me ever since. It's in need of repair and refinishing. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I had been thinking if only I had dedicated space I could be making all kinds of beautiful stuff...blah, blah, blah - living in that alternate reality of mine. When it hit me: what can I do now that will work? And I remembered my beloved trunk taking up space in our storage shed. So there you have it.

While I was in the process of organizing all of my endless art supplies I took some time to review my endless sketchbooks. And what occurred to me was a sad realization. Here's where the scary part comes in: what if it's not a matter of dedicated space? I have at least 5 sketchbooks all with maybe 5 to 10 ideas or sketches /scribblings and none of them looked appealing to me at all. So now that I have some organized space it's afforded me the opportunity to examine what my art making is about. What I hope to accomplish. What is appealing to me. What do I want to make. Or I could always find something or someone else to blame and continue to stall out my process...

a new year's eve post

2008-12-31T22:23:00.003-07:00

In the process of changing the look around here. I know it's stark. There is something about the New Year, I begin to crave simple. Less is more. Maybe it's the blessings and abundance of Christmas. I go into overload and start to look around my small family's bungalow wondering what I can donate to Good Will. I wasted no time this year. I've already gotten rid of one bag of used items. I always hope the theme of simplicity will carry throughout the year. Inevitably, I end up doing major cleaning each season getting rid of those things that seemed to be a good idea at the time...but never got used.

I've been talking about changing the look of my blog for some time now. Well start with the bare minimum and see how I build. At the end of every year I find myself reflecting on the year past and what's to come. This year I've taken notice of this fabulous blogger and am choosing some words to carry me into 2009. The words (because despite myself I couldn't choose just one) are Vitality and Balance. I've also decided to share more here from my personal writings... so I promise there's more to come.

Here are some things I'm planning to share:
-my list of things I'd like to do in 2009
-my list from 2008 (a reflection)
-writing on my words for 2009

How do you clear space and prepare for the New Year?

Cheers!

post christmas post

2008-12-26T08:29:00.002-07:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Our little family spent time with friends and had time to snuggle in together. What more could someone ask for? We also got some great gifts. The little boy is only going to get more and more excited about this time of year. I enjoyed getting to wrap presents in front of him, only to give to him later...love that short memory.

I've been an absent blogger as of late. I'm thinking about remodeling. I'm hoping for the New Year I can pull something together. We'll see how it goes. I'm really crummy with that sort of thing. Or rather, I get great ideas...it's making them a reality I struggle with.

blogger blahs

2008-12-16T09:03:00.003-07:00

After a few weeks hiatus, I'm back...for now. I can't make any promises about how long it will last. Or what my new pattern of blogging will be. But I thought I should get something in for the month of December. So here is what's up with the joyful ordinary: I'm working on removing the words "I'm sorry" from my vocabulary. Not because the phrase isn't sometimes useful but because after a brief self survey I've found that I say I'm sorry way too much. If something goes wrong, I'm sorry. If I didn't catch everything, I'm sorry. If something doesn't turn out the way I planned, I'm sorry. I apologize for things out of my control. I apologize for other people's feelings. I need to increase my vocabulary and learn to speak to what it is I really want to communicate because one person cannot possibly be sorry as often as I am.

In other news, yesterday I had some sense knocked into me...or rather some gratitude. I was cleaning our bedroom when the large mirror that has sat on our dresser for years fell over on top of me and hit me in the back of the head. It took me a few moments to realize what happened and then determine that I wasn't going to be knocked unconscious. It took me even longer to realize I wasn't bleeding. Even later after that I realized I was covered in little slivers of glass that I had now scattered throughout our house as I wandered around in a daze. I immediately called my hubby who rushed home. Once the shock wore off the gratitude snuck in. I was immediately grateful the little boy who is sometimes attached to my hip wasn't in the room when it happened. I was glad to have such a wonderful husband who rushed home to dote on my and make sure I was okay. Then I started thinking about the crappy mood I was in before it happened. It only takes an escape from the emergency room to realize all of the things that are going right in my life.

So there you have it. No apologies, a broken mirror and a grateful heart.

happy thanksgiving

2008-11-27T09:09:00.002-07:00

Today I am grateful for: sunrises, the ability to make meaning of seemingly random events, personalizing, my family (when I say family I'm referring to my hubby and the little boy), the realization that I have created my own family, really deep restorative sleep, good coffee, brand new days, cold weather, quiet time to myself well spent. I'm grateful for the ability to be thankful and for learning and self reflection, for change - whether political, a changed mind, a new season, a new healthy habit. I'm grateful for my body and its amazing powers to conduct life, to heal, to process and to transform. It's like I live in a miraculous organic transformation machine - put material in and presto, into energy. I see something amiss in my world and I can use that energy to help manifest change. I am grateful for waking up early without an alarm because I've gotten enough sleep. I'm grateful for the ability to help others. I'm grateful for growth, especially my own. I'm grateful for my journey.

blogger throws in the towel after 19 days

2008-11-23T21:36:00.003-07:00

After blogging for 19 days straight for NaBloPoMo I dropped the ball. I don't even have a good excuse ... the good news is I have some time to think of one. Now that I'm not feeling the pressure to come up with something every day maybe I can come up with something creative. Probably not though. Maybe next year.

grope and whine thursdays

2008-11-19T19:33:00.001-07:00

What's up with children's' songs? Recently I was given a CD of children's' songs...things like Ring Around the Roses and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I love to sing all kinds of songs, mostly children's' songs, to my little one. But I've never been a good singer (despite desperate pleadings to God when I was a child to someday make me a singer/ rock star, I wanted to be able to belt out tunes like Mariah Carey. I even wrote him a letter.) so I've never taken singing very seriously. This seems very fitting and appropriate when singing songs about imaginary lands and little lullaby lulls. So I really struggle to listen to this disc, in which there is a tone of severity and seriousness (maybe it's just the English accents). There's no hint of laughter or silliness. You'd think these guys were singing at an opera or wake. How can someone be serious when singing about covering up the obvious and distasteful effects of the Black Plague to an infant? Maybe I'm reaching at things here, over examining and being critical ...or maybe I can dedicate a Thursday Theme: Grope and Whine Thursdays. I'm going with the latter. What seemingly small insignificant things bug the crap out of you?

an overactive imagination

2008-11-18T08:21:00.004-07:00

Wow, I was just looking at the picture I posted yesterday...someday I'll have to learn to photograph my work, well.

So last night the little one was up and fussing because he is forever teething and now has a stuffy nose and gets upset that he can't breath through it. He isn't old enough to learn the trick about lying just so till all the snot runs to one side of your head then breathing out the other nostril. Anyhow he's up, I'm up. And I notice a flashing blue light coming from our family room. Blink, blink, blink then a pause...then blink, blink....pause...blink, blink, blink. What in tarnation? I investigate. It's our Wii. I shut it off. It turns back on. Blink, blink, blink. I can't explain it.

My theory this far: Wii was really created by superbeings from another planet who are fascinated by us. They designed the Wii which only looks and acts like a video game console to us. Really, it's a way of keeping tabs on us and communicating their findings to the mothership. My family must have done something extremely fascinating because that stupid thing was at it all night with the blinking. I just hope you know superbeings that I expect compensation for being in your research project. As I'm sure you've figured out by now, large amounts of wealth would be best.

because two heads are better than one...

2008-11-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

The sculpture I finished building the day before the little one was born...and I somehow managed to completely finish it after he was born.

blah blogging

2008-11-16T21:49:00.003-07:00

Another day, another blog post...another weekend spent. One thing blogging every day has done; I'm starting to see a pattern with my blogging. On Sundays my blogging is not at it's best. Sunday blogging feels like a chore. I tell you about my weekend...and it's a little lack-luster, not my weekend necessarily but my mood. It's all the rest, good food and crappy television. So here I sit, toothbrush in my mouth, thinking, typing...what did I do this weekend? ... I'm at a loss. I got nothing. Grocery store, laundry...yadda, yadda, yadda. Here's the post for today. At least I can say I blogged. I'll leave you with two thoughts: I am amazed at all the changes and growth I see in the little boy. He's getting so much more interactive! And two, I really want a blog makeover.

when I grow up

2008-11-15T22:01:00.002-07:00

Outside of the fact that I am underpaid, I love my job. I mean really. I. love. my. job. I continually find myself grateful. My work is fulfilling. I love my coworkers. My work environment is supportive and caring. Who could ask for more? (outside of being better compensated) This is not going to be an annoying post about how happy I am being in the minority of workers who enjoy what they do. No. You see, despite all of this beautiful, wonderful goodness, I am constantly finding myself daydreaming about what I will be when I grow up. Here's a list:

author
muralist
artist
professor at a university
massage therapist

psychic
midwife
farmer
acupuncturist
owner of a boutique
baker

In my daydream I have this beautiful little artistic healing center that teaches classes, has a fabulous library/ bookstore and sells the best baked goods in this world - on handmade dishes. There's a little coffee nook in the bookstore and all of our mugs are handmade by artists who work in the center. Artists and therapists rent out space in the center. People come to work in their studio or work on their healing process. The center is a buzz with community also. There are regular poetry readings. A beautiful garden. We offer classes in things like meditation, painting, keeping your love relationship vibrant, creative journaling, dance ... you name it! Some classes are tutorial while others are just regular support groups to learn and grow. Since it's my little daydream I am free to jump between all of the different activities that I enjoy all day long. What's your daydream?

new cute little human tricks

2008-11-14T08:41:00.002-07:00

The little boy is learning new things everyday it seems. He's learned how to get off of our bed and furniture by first dangling his legs backwards over the edge; opposed to hauling himself head first off the edge like he used to (well, he would try). He's learned to say "e-i-e-i-e-i" in response to me signing the first line, Old McDonald. I continue to encourage him to make the sign for milk when he wants to breastfeed instead of just lifting up my shirt. Sticking with the theme of learning though, he has learned to lift my shirt and sign for milk and that both of these actions get a quick response from mommy. He has also recently learned to give kisses (at least I think this is what he's doing). They are sloppy and always open mouthed and unbearably long and I never know if it will end with him biting my face. Maybe my baby is a cannibal and he just hasn't learned the sign for flesh yet. No, I'm pretty sure he's just trying to kiss me and sometimes gets a little carried away with his sugar coated momma. He's also learned to flirt with strangers and throw food at the dog (who is ever grateful for this trick). He's been doing that for quite sometime. Actually, that may have been his first human trick. What will he learn next?

quick and dirty

2008-11-13T22:15:00.001-07:00

We seem to be lice free so far. This entry is going to be a short one...want to get to bed to cuddle with the mister before the little one wakes up. One day he'll sleep through the night. In the mean time I've got to get it in while I can.

heeby-geebies

2008-11-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

Someone at my husband's work got head lice from their kiddo...now I'm all itchy.

a mad kitty

2008-11-11T11:14:00.003-07:00

I've always known it but been afraid to admit it. I was in denial for a very long time but I'm finally able to own it: becoming a parent has made me a terrible pet owner. I woke this morning to not one but two piles of cat poop; one on the bathroom rug, the other in the little boy's room. There was also the piss on the little boys chair. I'm not sure which of our two felines is responsible but I'm sure our cat is trying to tell me something? If he could speak it might sound something like, "Hey, listen here family. I know you have a lot of new responsibility but do you think you could pay me a little attention?! By the way, no one did bother to ask how I felt about your decision to procreate, I'm against it! Based solely on my experience of you two as caretakers, you're selfish and don't think of others. But go ahead, what do I know. I'm only your cat. Please accept my small symbols of gratitude."

I'm taking all of this way too personally. I did a little research this morning and it probably has more to do with the fact that we put a baby gate in front of the litter box than my cat's unhappiness. At least, that's what I'm banking on. I've found out that once a cat defecates in a place other than his litter box, he is more likely to continue defecating in that spot. So I'm off to buy some magic spray that tells my kitten "you don't need to mark this spot". If this doesn't work I don't know what I'll do. I don't know anyone foolish enough to take two adult indoor cats...anyone but me that is.

little steps in between

2008-11-10T21:01:00.004-07:00

Today I lost a bet. Apparently winningest is a real word. Who knew? Well, the mister did. Hence me losing. In other news, I visited my best friend today and her new baby girl. Newborns are so tiny!

This blogging every day is tougher than I thought...I'm running out of ammo. I could write about dinner; pork roast with mashed potatoes or the weather: cold and cloudy. I could get a little more personal and write about how I haven't talked to my mom in over a week and our relationship is feeling weird again. But I won't write about that. Instead, I'll tell you that I'm working to stay grateful for every moment. I'll write about how when I was little I would dream of what my life would be like when I was older and I'm fortunate that I'm living that dream. Okay, I'm not a Hollywood celebrity but the other dream, the one of having a husband who adores me and a quaint little house full of life...that dream it's mine.

Here's the problem with dreaming though, I haven't stopped. I don't know that that is a huge problem but sometimes it keeps me from enjoying what's here right in front of me. I start thinking about how I wish I had something fabulous to share, an outrageous idea, a beautiful project, a great story or adventure and I'm whisked away from all of the beauty that is my life right now. My life - mundane, safe and full of the mess of living. When I stop long enough to really be present and put the dreaming aside for a moment I can experience all of the fullness of it. A belly full from a rich dinner, the mister on the rug (that the cat peed on again) playing with the little boy.

My little boy who is learning to walk gets so much forward momentum his weight teeters him over, his head leading, his little legs can't keep up and he falls onto his hands. I live much of my life this way, thinking, worrying and dreaming of the future, moving too fast forward to appreciate all of the little steps in between now and then. I'm going to work to move slower, appreciate all of the steps and nuance... I bet I'll have more to share then too.

*On a post post note: Blogger's spellcheck does not recognize the word winningest! Hah! ... It apparently doesn't recognize the word Blogger either though...

this weekend

2008-11-09T21:22:00.003-07:00

I'm really hurting for something to blog about. It's not interesting but it'll do. My weekend, in a list:

work on Saturday
attending a baby shower for my sister-in law
the birth of my best friends second daughter
dog sitting
sleeping in
breakfast with the mister's parents
swimming
more laundry than I can imagine
yoga
pigs in a blanket for dinner
grocery shopping

Yep, that was our weekend. I almost forgot, the little boy is starting to walk without assistance! The fun is just beginning!

difficult is getting easier

2008-11-08T20:33:00.003-07:00

I had a difficult day at work and with the cranky child. My husband is wonderful and I am so lucky to have him. The busy baby shower and then in the middle of the shower another baby is born. We are so fortunate to have all of these children that are very healthy in our life. Other than all of that it was a pretty uneventful day. Funny how all of this seems normal now, but I think that I am beginning to get used to everything. It will be nice to have a Sunday to recoup and get ready for our first significant snowstorm.

more on the skinny

2008-11-07T12:30:00.002-07:00

So yesterday I wrote about how women rock. And believe me we rock for lots and lots of reasons. Yesterday was primarily looking at our tremendous role in procreation but there are lots of other reasons why we rock (more on that later, maybe a list even). I want to write more about this weight issue. It's been on my mind. Here's the low down.

Recently I've lost some weight. I'm a few pounds lighter than I was before I got pregnant but it's all redistributed so I think I look like I weigh considerably less. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me, and telling me and telling me. And by everyone I mean all of the women in my life. The men, remarkably either don't notice, don't care or are afraid to mention it.

Here's my weight loss secret: I had a baby and I breastfeed. I don't have time to sit down and eat the way I used to and most of the time I wish that I did. That's it. Really. Oh and I walk but again that's mostly because the little boy enjoys it. Did I also mention that he weighs about 30 pounds and loves to be carried? And really, that is all.

I haven't tried to lose weight. I loved the way I looked before I got pregnant. Mostly. I mean, it's really always been a struggle. I've always been ... not small. I've been referred to as sturdy, comfy, fluffy, voluptuous. And I had good days and bad days but mostly I loved my body. And now, I am so way over it.

Today, I love my body and not because it lost weight without me trying (because now I'm between pant sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe). I love my body because it is incredible. I mean really incredible. There is so much more to me and my body than the weight it does or doesn't carry. Here are some examples. My body rocks because:

-it will withhold getting sick if I'm in the middle of transition and wait until I'm in a place to be able to get sick

-I heal really quickly

-I, just me and the miracle of my being nourish and feed another human being ... and that other human being thrives! 30 pounds!

- my body has signals and lets me know when I am taking on or doing too much or more than what is healthy for me

- my body doesn't judge me if I continue to push myself past a point of health ... in fact it adapts!

- my body holds all of my organs perfectly, allows me to sometimes abuse them or treat them poorly and goes on to process and continue to allow me to thrive

I could go on and on and start talking about the processes of the body and the relationship between my mind and body (that I mostly ignore but is there as my resource anyway). People, women...we are so much more than our weight! Health and beauty are about so much more than a number that is meant to fluctuate and change as we do.

I believe

2008-11-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wrote about the birth of my little boy. I feel so fortunate that we are all safe and healthy and that my pregnancy and his birth were both empowering experiences for me. Unfortunately for the mister, they were a bit more gory and traumatic. I've never been squeamish but especially after the birth of our son, I was left feeling strong and brave.

I can remember being a youngster thinking about and being terrified of what I saw as the inevitable pregnancy and labor experience. It felt so unfair that my fate as a woman meant that I would some day have to first carry another human being in my body and second push it out of a very small orifice. Fortunately time seemed to have pacify some of my fears. Also, when I became pregnant I surrounded myself with women who knew and believed in what my body was capable of, even when I didn't. I was able to express my fears to my midwife and her assistants and over and over again they assured me, "your body knows how to birth a baby" and "your body was created in way to allow this to happen naturally" After I heard it enough I started to believe them. Also, I may have felt some pressure to grasp at something reassuring as my body continued to expanded to a point of ridiculousness. Hear me out here, I think pregos are absolutely gorgeous! But they are also preposterous looking. This may be why I find them so beautiful...I also have a soft spot and find beauty in handicapped animals, obese pets and diseased trees (I know that's weird).

Anyhoo, here are some things I wanted to share. These are things that I have come to believe since taking part in the incredible procreation journey:

- women's bodies are amazing*
- pain is release (or at least, it can be)
- women are natural warriors
- birthing has the potential to be an empowering experience

Telling our birth stories can be healing and empowering. I know that we are not all blessed with amazing experiences of birthing. Sometimes women feel disempowered through their labor, they may feel scared or helpless. Sometimes things go wrong, sometimes we blame ourselves taking responsibility for things that were out of our control. I believe that regardless of our story, telling it in a safe environment can help us to make better sense of it and through sharing we can learn about ourselves, our surroundings and our journeys. Telling our stories to others can be healing and empowering. I encourage you to tell me your birth story! Leave a link in the comments!

the birth story

2008-11-05T08:21:00.002-07:00

This is a long one.

A year ago in my journal I wrote:

I don't even know where to start. I have a one week old baby boy and he is beautiful and my life is completely upside down. He came a month early. Actually, he came right on time and we were all a month behind. It was a beautiful birth.

My water started leaking at 4 in the morning. I had gotten up to go pee and found that I would dribble every time I got up. I thought that the baby had moved into a funny position rendering me incontinent. It started to dawn on me that I might be in labor. I woke up the mister, he said "no way, it's too early, go back to bed". So I did. But I was still worried. I waited for a decent hour to come and then called the midwife. 8:00.

The midwife said it sounded like I was in labor. She helped put my mind at ease. She was calming and reassuring. She said the baby had been consistently measuring over in our prenatal visits. He could come now. So I got off the phone with her and started having contractions.

Well, first I had to tell the mister I really was in labor. He still didn't believe me. "Do you really think I should take off of work?" he asked. I was pretty sure and I knew if he stayed home, regardless of the outcome, he'd cook me breakfast. My best friend called I told her the news. She didn't believe it either.

Eggs, hash browns and bacon. It smelled delicious although I didn't eat a whole lot of it. The midwife came over at noon and I asked for a pelvic exam to see how far dilated it was. (I only had one pelvic exam my whole pregnancy and this was it...I was so happy). 3 centimeters, contractions 10 minuets apart. She said she'd come over at 5 but I should call her if things changed. I remember thinking, I hope things change way before then. I called her at 3 that afternoon. My contractions were 5 minuets apart now.

The midwife showed up with her assistant. I was sitting outside of our bathroom wrapped in a blanket. I had the chills and then a contraction would come and the blanket would come off. Unbearable heat flash...back to the chills. The midwife and her assistant sat at the kitchen table and did paper work. I felt that everything must be pretty normal if they're doing paperwork. I'll just keep having contractions on the floor. I moved around a lot trying to find a place to get comfortable. The hallway...nope. The couch...nah. The floor. It turns out there's no comfortable place when you're in labor. Then my clothes started to feel uncomfortable. I knew this meant I was progressing through labor. I don't know how I knew this I just did. At the point I stop caring who I'm naked in front of, the closer I am to having this baby. The shirt came off and I settled on the floor next to the couch for awhile. Apparently, the midwife thought also that I was progressing because she stopped doing her paperwork at the table.

I harfed up breakfast and got back to work moving around the house as best I could to find a comfy spot. The midwife and her assistant followed me with their blue surgical pads meant to catch the birth goo and protect our wood floors. I didn't care about the wood floors. I was looking for the magical spot to birth our son. We tried the birth chair and the toilet, the couch again and the floor. I ended up in the hallway just before 7pm in the birth chair singing like a beluga whale. I was sitting right below our doorbell chimes and every time I would howl in labor I could hear them vibrate. That's where our little boy was born. The mister caught him and held him as he took his first breath of air. After his head passed there was a gush of fluid and life and out he came. Right into the mister's hands. We all waddled over to the couch and I lay with our new baby and the mister. There we rested in stardust and applesauce. Our new family. I birthed the placenta. The midwifes cleaned everything up and feed us turkey, cheese and apple slices. They tucked us all into bed together and sang the little one a welcome to this world song. It really was beautiful. 7 pounds 12 ounces. A beautiful baby boy.

There you have it our birth story.

whew

2008-11-04T11:47:00.002-07:00

Thank goodness that is over! It was a rough go of it the last two days. Let me tell you something, when I am sick and the mister is sick too, with a teething sick baby...it is not pretty. Those kinds of conditions bring the whiner out in me and not the pathetic whiner, the mean one. I actually called my husband a name under my breath yesterday. I haven't done something like that since I was in middle school. Well, if you don't count driving. I'm happy to be back up and running. Maybe now I can get some laundry done.

day 3

2008-11-03T19:30:00.001-07:00

This was not what I had in mind when I signed up for NaBloPoMo. The little boy is doing just fine. Now it's me and the mister. Hopefully I'll resurface soon.

determination

2008-11-02T21:27:00.001-07:00

literally covered in baby's vomit...too many times to count. poor little guy. I have a feeling I'm in for a long night. But I wasn't about to give up on Day 2.

a birthday party

2008-11-01T21:41:00.002-06:00

I'm sure it's reveals something when today, we were preparing for the little one's first birthday party and I kept wondering when can I open the wine? It wasn't that I needed a drink to take the edge off or relax (yes, I'm pretty sure I do sound like an alcoholic)...although some of my family was there and they do have a tendency to get on my nerves. It was simply that we were having a party. And isn't that what adults do at parties? What was the last party I was at where alcohol wasn't involved? Okay, company holiday party. But when was the last party I hosted and didn't have alcohol? I'd have to stretch years back even before I was able to buy alcohol legally. It is almost as unfathomable as having a party without food (although I'm sure I've been to plenty during my college years). So I showed some restraint and waited until half way through. And yes, wine couples well with cupcakes. And my relatives.

So there you have it. For some reason this whole conundrum makes me feel more adult. Questioning the appropriateness of alcohol; when and where, having a one year old, throwing birthday parties for kiddos.

I'm starting to wonder if as the kids get older alcohol becomes more inappropriate...probably. For parties involving other parents and other kids I guess the wine waits until after the guests leave...I may have to hold separate parties then; one for the little boy's friends, where I show restraint and wait to pop the cork until after everyone is gone and another party for my family where there is little restraint and Momma can drink her wine with her piece of cake.

Family. Everyone has one. I'm grateful that as I have grown I have been able to choose my own family. I have also been able to more broadly define the word to include long time supportive friends. Friends that I often feel closer to than my relatives. That's a post for another day. For now, it's enough to say that the little boy's first birthday party was a success and momma got by with a little help from her friends. And her wine.

a year of parenting

2008-10-31T09:42:00.003-06:00

It would make sense if I created a list after that title that ran through all of the changes, challenges and milestones this year. Suffice to say the only one I can remember at the moment is a lack of sleep for me and the hubby which continues to result in weakened brain function. That aside, the sleepiness, headache and achy left breast, the little boy turned one yesterday!

One year old! I was very excited about it yesterday. Me and the mister took the day off from work and took the little one out for a day of excitement and celebration. The little boy treated it like it was any old day, but me and the mister knew better. We played it out with the adorable little one all day long. Which is why I was so surprised when I awoke at three in the morning because the little one was wide awake. I mean sitting up giggling, wide awake. Turns out the little boy decided to tooth his first top tooth (he has his lower two) for his birthday slumber. Curiously, he was joyful. Me and the mister, not so much.

So here I sit, almost 10 in the morning and I feel like it's 5 in the morning. I feel like I've been up partying all night. I was in a much better mood this time yesterday, remembering the journey of labor and the excitement of birth. This morning, yelch. But don't worry, yesterday in all my glee I went through my old journal that I kept a year ago this time. There's lots to share! And I've decided to do NaBloPoMo. Again. This time I'm gonna try real hard not to bomb out.

if I had more time...

2008-10-24T09:04:00.002-06:00

I would:

read, read and read
take a sculpting class
take a nap
cook more
take a yoga class regularly
bake more
take a workshop on knitting and crochet
write
go to a writer's group or workshop
create more every day

No matter how much time I do find, I can always put off:

cleaning the hall closet
cleaning out my car
okay, any kind of cleaning at all that's more involved than straightening up
balancing the checkbook

Wow, these lists weren't as long or horribly defeating as I thought they would be. Actually, in thinking about and writing them I feel really lucky and grateful that I don't have any major activities that I dread doing...I had a job once that was that way. So much of my day is filled with necessity and care taking. It's joyful and time consuming.

I've been struggling with balance lately. Balancing everything...work and home are the two biggies. I am working more at work than I care to. I really struggled this last week to balance my emotions and balance sleep and wakefulness. In other words, I wasn't sleeping well, even though for a change everyone else in my house was. My lack of sleep started to add up and I started to struggle with my emotions being ramped up as a result. I'm learning how important regular and good sleep is to me. Thankfully, I have had two good nights of it. I'm doing everything I can to ensure it continues.

I've noticed also, I've been hiding from the blogworld lately. Part of it is time, time, time. The other is my emotions running high. The last thing I want to do is write something publicly, even if it is anonymous. I teeter on the edge of how much to share here. (again, even though I've kept anonymity) I suppose that I have some fears about sharing. And since I'm in list mode, why not another list?

I'm afraid if I got more in depth about my life, feelings and thoughts here:

people would judge me harshly
I would be misunderstood and more harsh judging would ensue
I'm coming up short here...maybe a list wasn't the best medium.

Wow, the magic power of lists! I look at those two bullets and I think, "Really? That's not so bad" I know people will judge wherever I go and what ever I do. It's not something I control. I'm surprised at that keeping me from doing something I would like to do. It's still scary sometimes. But it's a lot easier to manage and look at when it's just two itsy-bitsy bullet points.

One other thing that I think will be helpful for me: I will no longer compare myself to others. (okay, I'm gonna really try to do it less. It's not helpful for me in my process either.)

this weekend

2008-10-19T21:20:00.002-06:00

home made sloppy joes
pumpkin carving
painting our dining room chairs
laundry, laundry and laundry
dinner in front of the t.v.
perfect weather

sigh

2008-10-09T21:14:00.004-06:00

still here blogworld - with nothing witty, or humorous. no rants, no raves. just here. I am well, healthy, grateful and boring.

also, I would really like a blog make over. maybe that would give me the umf I need to say something interesting.

Yesterday, I visited hubby's work after having lunch with the boy and a friend. We went to see his new office and show off our little one to all of his co-workers. Half way through our visit I caught a glimpse of myself in a window reflection; no make up, a ratty tee-shirt, I was covered in avocado from the little boy, green splotches all over. When I was younger, I swore I would never be what I saw in that reflection. I thought, "I will always dress up to see my man". Ha. Even further, it doesn't even bother me that I don't care. It's like I get it now, and I didn't then. I have much more important things to think about.

Somehow that story seemed fitting...just feeling a little lack luster... I guess part of me would still like to look fabulous and glamorous while being super mom.

happy october

2008-10-01T09:23:00.003-06:00

I love October. I love Fall. I especially love Halloween. It's a time for honoring Autumn and darkness. A celebration of the things that seem too scary to look at or claim. Our fears motivate us. Often times, I struggle to even acknowledge or speak about that which scares me. Inevitably, once I do speak up I get support, I learn, I become empowered and that which was scary loses power. The unknown holds all kinds of possibility. It can be scary and exciting. Fall seems to encompass these two things for me as we face the darkness of Winter. The crisp in the air encourages me to embrace that which is unknown - stake my claim, dig deep and open to the outcomes.

a poem for you

2008-09-30T09:59:00.002-06:00

The Butterfly, by jo

Does the beautiful butterfly know she has wings?
Is she aware of ethereal flashings beating behind her
supporting her every action?
twisting. flitting. through morning's dew.
fragile and eternal
Supported with gossamer veils
existing in both worlds.

Does she know of them?
Is she aware she is always connected?
in all ways supported.
Does she sometimes wonder at herself?
feel alone and separate.
Only catching glimpses in peripheral
madly chasing
moving wildly to grasp that which is her birthright.

That which could not leave her -

for even a caterpillar is a butterfly,
if only on the inside.
and that is where it counts.

blogworld fix my family

2008-09-25T07:28:00.003-06:00

It seems that I've taken a bit of a vacation from blogging this month. I've been debating on how much to share, why am I blogging anyway and so forth. Battles with the inner critic. Oh, and I really did go on vacation, except that I returned home feeling like it was one of those vacations you need a vacation from.

The long and the short of it: my family is nuts. And while I really enjoy flair, personality, and general zaniness, my family takes the fun out of dysfunctional. I struggle to make peace with it all, not get too involved and not take it personally.

The truth of the matter is that this time, I did a really good job. I didn't get in the middle of anything. I was able to express my love and support to everyone involved. I upheld clear boundaries and took care of myself. I must be growing up.

Having recognized and said all of that I've been struggling with still feeling unsatisfied. I think now, as I write this it's taken me the last few weeks to figure it out...I'm unsatisfied because...well, my family is still nuts. No matter what I do I can't change that. It's not something I control. I can take care of myself and nurture me and my own little family; keeping us sane and healthy, laughing. But I can't control my bigger family. I can take myself out of the equation in a way that feels healthy for me but it doesn't change them. Doing my hard work for me doesn't give me the healthy extended family I want. And sometimes that's sad and frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying.

What it does do however: it keeps me sane and safe from their craziness, it allows me to create safety and sanity in my new immediate family with my hubby and little boy, and it takes so much less energy. I feel like instead of getting wrapped up in stuff I don't control, in stuff that's not mine, I can see more clearly and grieve what I need to about having an extended family that is not cohesive and doesn't communicate with one another.

And having realized and shared that with you, I am satisfied. And back from hiatus.

Thanks Blogworld, you've done it again.

dinner for one

2008-09-08T18:53:00.004-06:00

The weather is finally cool and so today we cooked a meal that involves the oven. I always look forward to this time of year. When the weather cools I get a hankering to bake and cook casseroles. And so tonight, as my dear husband looks forward to the start of Monday Night Football (ugh) we prepared a Mexican casserole.

The only problem is that there is a severe case of what can only be described as crankiness going around in our house. Last week it was the mister, tonight it's me and the boy. Even in writing this I loathe, although what exactly it is I loathe I cannot say. It's just a general distaste - for everything: my husbands singing, the cooler weather, our dog, our house...you name it. All attempts at cheering me up this far have been met with steely glances. And so my gracious and patient husband is sitting with the little boy in his room playing with toys giving me a chance to eat and blog. I suspect when I finish eating it will be (and should be) the mister's turn to eat.

Despicable and horrid, that's how I feel and I have no good reason for it. My current fantasy involves me, alone, a dark and hidden cave, some mojitos and a plush and warm king sized bed. That's where I'm at folks...I guess in the mean time, I'll settle for a bath.

Sweet September

2008-09-03T10:42:00.003-06:00

Catching up on blogging this morning. Re-heated coffee in my new favorite mug, sitting ears perched, door open - the little one napping in the car. The DNC is over and with it marking the end of summer. Finally, cooler weather. Crisp fresh mornings. Blankets used to snuggle and keep in warmth as opposed to thrashing them off in the sticky heat of the night. One day I will write an Ode to Fall. How I love Autumn, let me count the ways... for now, suffice to say that I feel like a new woman.

In catching up on my blogging this morning I've come across some inspirational stuff. Lisa Lucky and Jen Lee have written posts recently that remind me: we all struggle with staying in the moment, we all struggle with self judgment, patients, and sharing your story with others who are compassionate is healing.

What can I say? The universe is conspiring on my behalf. And today I am feeling it in my bones. It is delicious!

comfy in my own skin

2008-08-29T22:17:00.003-06:00

High highs and low lows. This is parenting. Or at least, this is parenting for me...so far. I am completely in love and full; at home with the mess and wiping boogers. Then I slowly start to pick at the fray and it all comes undone. It begins with an innocent question or comparison. Before I know it I feel like a mess. I question every decision, every step and it all feels insignificant. Somehow I talk myself into a place where everything I do isn't enough. It gets scary. I don't know how I resurface. I'm only glad that I do. I'm grateful too that I seem to find peace again quickly. And in the mean time while I wait me and the little boy go for very long walks. I'm the one with a distant look on her face. Not really taking anything in. I'm so grateful for this side. The place where I'm full and grateful. Where I allow myself grace. It does seem that every time I come through I become more present to myself. ...
I'm not sure how to end this post, except maybe to say that having a baby is a crazy adventure.
That seems like an understatement but it's all I've got.

a new milestone

2008-08-24T21:40:00.002-06:00

The boy spits out whatever is in his mouth if I put my hand under it. I think this officially makes me a real mom. Exciting!

but wait there's more

2008-08-19T21:48:00.004-06:00

Two posts? Oh yeah. I just couldn't resist.

Here's are a few fabulous things that I am enjoying the heck out of:

Being just ever so sore after going to my first yoga class since the boy was born.
Lean Mean Thirteen, the last Stephanie Plum novel (yes, yes it's completely predictable and mindless and I love it!)
I won the Maternal Is Political contest on Jen Lee's blog. I am looking forward to reading, sharing and passing it along!
Finally, cooler temperatures at night
This book, this book and this book

huh?

2008-08-19T21:17:00.002-06:00

I'm going deaf. It may be psychological, actually. It seems to be specifically my husbands voice that I don't hear. Well, at least not very well. I'm lucky I married such a patient man because I must say, "huh" or "what" to him at least two dozen times a day. Since he's pointed this out to me, he's stopped repeating himself after I ask him what he's just said. We sit in an awkward silence for a few seconds...it turns out I do hear him. I just have an automatic reflex of asking him to repeat himself. After the silence and some time passes, I can usually put together what it is he's just said. It's actually about 50/50. The other half of the time I'm guessing, grasping at straws really. It makes for some great conversation though. Like this one:
In our bedroom. Getting ready for the day.
Husband: Honey, where are my jeans?

Me: Beans?

Me: huh?

Husband: shakes his head in disbelief

or this one...

Husband: Don't forget to take your car in tomorrow.

Me: pausing....thinking...and then, "What about the garbage?"

I try really hard folks. And the worst part is, it seems to happen mostly with my dear (again, very patient) hubby. What can I say? I'm glad he has a sense of humor.

out came the sun...

2008-08-17T10:01:00.002-06:00

Sunday morning. The mister sleeps in while I get up with the boy. The boy who has been in the process of waking up for at least an hour before I finally get up with him. He kicks and rolls and babbles, nurses some between his sleeping parents. Until I give in to the fact that he is not going to fall back asleep. We rise, change what must be the world's heaviest diaper and I have a cup of coffee.

An hour of crawling and investigating. I try to write but can only get two sentences down before he's demanding my full attention. For a moment I feel trapped. Trapped in eternal parenthood. Trapped in no more sleeping in, no more cuddling with the mister because the little one is between us. I'm trapped in my thoughts that I cannot get onto paper - there's just not time or space for it. An overwhelming sense of self pity, sadness, terminal thinking - that this will last forever- sets in. I think that by choosing to have a child I've signed away any sense of sanity and enjoyment for myself. The little boy is all over the place and only happy in one spot for seconds before he's fussy and moving on to the next surprise.

I force myself to put down my journal and set aside for a moment the million things I would like to do. And I sit with him, just in front of where he's at. I watch him explore the mister's shoe. Then suddenly and for what seems to be no reason, he looks up from the laces he's been pulling at and smiles. The smile is clearly, undoubtedly just for me. Because I am there and watching and because he loves and trusts and feels safe and knows that I am there. And everything else falls away. I am captured by that smile and remember that I can withstand anything for this little one. A to do list and sense of self satisfaction in activities I enjoy...they suddenly seem so unimportant. Because my little boy has an uncanny way of being just right here in this very moment. And when I allow that, join that, when I can truly be there with him it is the most important and fulfilling moment. And it is always available.

it's a black fly in your chardonay

2008-08-12T20:47:00.003-06:00

The old saying goes, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him what your plans are". Yep. If that's the case, someone is getting a pretty good laugh at my expense. For the last two weeks I have had plans; plans to go to lunch, plans to take a yoga class, plans to take a dance class, plans to stay with a friend. Canceled, canceled, canceled. Seriously? What is going on? Must be some crazy astrology thing. It's like my karma for everything I ever had to cancel on in my life has decided to come back and haunt me these last two weeks. A perfectly booked and well scheduled week - gone to pot. I just hope I've broken my streak. I'm off to make more plans and get some more inevitable grins from the heavens.

confessions of a blogger

2008-08-08T08:25:00.004-06:00

I'm still trying to make sense of why I decided to blog. I'm still sorting and self judging, what I should share. Then I worry, even and especially as I write this that I sound whiny. No one likes to read whiny writing. I swear I'm not whiny in real life. I judge that this should look finished, complete. This should be a well put together project. My blog should have coherency. Then I feel like I'm at a total loss and start wondering why it is I want to blog.

Here's what has come to me lately about my reasons for blogging: To find my voice.

In my professional world I can put on a professional face. I can have an air that says, "Yep, I mostly know what I'm doing and what I don't know doesn't necessarily bother me. I have enough grace to grow and learn"It took me a long time (it felt especially long) to get to that place of confidence in my job.

In my personal life I'm all over the place but mostly, I'm a goof ball. An over analytical goof ball. As a mother, I'm starting to get the hang of it, on most days, for right now. But as an artist and as a writer, I feel like I am all over the place. I free write filling journals, often (always)starting a new journal before I've come to the end of the last one. I play with poetry and start stories (but sadly have never finished one). I talk myself in self debilitating circles. I think more about what I would like to create than actually taking the time to create. And now I have a baby. So I wonder, what exactly was I doing with all of my time before?

I think I see a blog as a way to help streamline this process. I am, in a way, forced to write. To finish. To think and to present something. Anything. I must admit that critical voice makes this, and everything for that matter, much more difficult. But I'm hoping it goes the way it did with my profession, one day the critical voice will feel smaller, manageable. One day I'll sit down to write, or create and the old voice will pop up and I will be able to say, "oh hi there, I hear you and thanks, but I'm gonna go ahead and create anyway. I think I've got this handled." I look forward to that blessed day. But I know the only way to get there is to keep writing for better or worse. So here I am. Open to learning and growing. Feeling like a beginner, even though I've done this all my life. Having judgments, and doing it anyway.

I hear ya sister

2008-08-04T21:35:00.004-06:00

I was sitting here listening to crickets. Wondering what to write. Trying to figure out what was true in me right now. I couldn't come up with anything and then I checked out Mrs. Lucky's site and it all came to me. I found myself writing a longer than normal comment. So I went ahead and posted it here. Funny how we have the ability to inspire each other. To reach out with out intention and stir something in someone else.

Funny how your post hit me. I'm struggling with figuring out what's in me right now too. But I'm not visiting family so...sometimes I think I need to experience something and trust that the meaning of it will come later. That means, for me, trying to hold off on the self judgment and just give myself permission to be. Even if being in that moment means feeling crappy. So often I want to try and take the heartache or melancholy or whatever uncomfortable feeling I have and think my way to the end - right now. I forget that I'm in process. That I don't have to have the answer right now. That feeling bad now is okay, it is part of the wonder of it all. Wow, I just wrote a whole bunch. Really, what I wanted to tell you was hope. Hang in there. Hope and trust and hang in there and love yourself. You're awesome! And who would you be if family didn't drive you a little nuts?

where have I been?

2008-08-01T07:23:00.003-06:00

I've written a number of posts in my head over the last two weeks. I have even started a few. But nothing has shown up here. I'm sorry I've not been able to post more. The little boy started crawling the day before yesterday! The last two weeks, heck yesterday, are just blurs of time, in which I know I've done something, but I couldn't really tell you exactly what. There hasn't been anything out of the ordinary, nothing extravagant. Just a constant hustle of life, which right now is mostly about parenting. Imagine a really large infant covered in dog hair and dirt discovering how exactly each piece of furniture could become potentially dangerous while his parents discover they never really got around to baby proofing the house. How by the way, do you baby proof kitchen chairs from falling over? And why is it that the most unstable furniture and the most questionable items, as far as safety goes, are the exact things that my little boy is the most attracted to? The little boy refuses to nap in conventional ways. He goes straight to sleep when we are in the car or on a walk. So we do a lot of walking and driving. It makes house hold chores and blogging difficult to do. Again, my apologies. I'm gonna get the hang of this though...eventually. Or the little boy's patterns will change. Whichever comes first.

in the clear

2008-07-20T08:35:00.003-06:00

Whew! Our dog looks clear of any cancerous cells! Thank goodness. It looks like, the vet said, just an infection. Hopefully the antibiotics we got from the vet do the trick. My dog is the absolute worst at taking medication! If you put his pills in something delicious, he'll eat the morsel carefully, finding the pill, spit the pill out and finish his treat. I've resorted to prying his mouth open shoving all three pills down his throat, clamping his mouth shut until he swallows. This tactic has worked so far. Except that this morning, he tricked me into thinking he had swallowed the pills and then he spit them out. Twice. My next step will be crushing his meds into a powder and mixing them with something. If that doesn't work....hopefully that works.

research

2008-07-18T09:02:00.003-06:00

There's so much to blog about I'm afraid I'm suffering blogger paralysis. There was the reunion. Which I had mixed feelings going into but then found the perfect dress, got a night out with my guy and had a fabulous time! I went with my bff from high school so at least I could huddle in the corner with one person if it turned out to be a bust - but it wasn't a bust! It was a blast. There was only a small sliver of people who showed up but the handful who did - well it was heartwarming for the most part. Catching up, remembering, laughing. At the risk of sounding like I have a drinking problem, I must admit though, I am so thankful I had a drink or two, or three in me. Yeah for social lubricants! Maybe someday I'll feel confident enough to get by on my wit and charm but this was just the perfect occasion for a margarita! Alcohol aside, it was so nice to catch up with old pals!

Next up, my little boy is still asleep! Really not a whole lot more to write on this except that he's slept 2 hours more than he usually does, which is both nice and unnerving. Nice because, well here I am blogging with both hands! Unnerving because, well, is he okay, is something wrong? He's still breathing, no fever. This is something I could get used to!

And last, (be warned this may get graphic) my beloved pooch has some kind of strange growth on his...uh...well, pooper. About two years ago he had a similar growth that we ended up getting removed. It was just this little butt bubble, that slowly grew and grew and grew. No I'm not making this up. It didn't seem to bother him but it progressively got larger. So, we took him in. He had surgery and it turned out to be a benign growth. But this time - the growth came back in a day! And it's really gross, not just a cute pink button. An oozy, irregular mass. And my poor dog is so uncomfortable. So I took him in right away. Really folks, this thing was growing right in front of my eyes. Okay that's a slight exaggeration but it did get bigger with in an hour of being at the vet. They don't know what it is. They're sending in a sample to the pathologist. My dog might have butt cancer, and the only thing funny about butt cancer is saying butt cancer. But we won't know anything until the tests come back. I'm worried. In the mean time poochie gets some pain killers and antibiotics.

Now I'm fumbling with how to tie all this up...high school reunions, sleeping babies (who subsequently just woke up) and potential puppy butt cancer. How about a random quote from www.quotationspage.com/random

Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. Wernher von Braun

Couldn't have said it better myself. There you have it folks: research. We'll call it research!

keeping it short(er)

2008-07-09T08:25:00.003-06:00

Is it just me, or have the posts around here been getting longer and longer? Well, I'll try to keep this one short. I'm not completely fully in my brain yet this morning. My little boy has taken to kicking me and nursing all the hours of the night. I think he sleeps well. But I woke up at one point and told my hubby that I was going to sell our little one to the gypsies. It's a good thing none were around. This too shall pass.

Getting ready for a crazy four days around here. Work, a two day conference for work in the high country and my 10 year high school reunion. Mom in law should be here in a few hours. I'll be making the drive to and from the conference each day, so that I can come home and get kicked all night. As painful as sleep was last night, I just can't bear to leave him for a night. I don't think either of us are ready for that yet. So I got some really great books on tape. Or rather, I hope they turn out to be good.

And with my 10 year reunion looming, I have been thinking a lot about my teenage self. And it hasn't been the easiest thing to think about. Did anyone really like themselves in high school? Was anyone confident enough to like themselves in high school? While doing all this thinking I was also shopping for the perfect black dress. The perfect, little black dress went out as sounding like a good idea when I realized that my boobs are about four inches lower than they used to be. After a good long search I found a winner! So it's off to the races for me!

fireworks on the 4th of july

2008-07-06T15:03:00.003-06:00

We tease each other all weekend. Forming opinions, embellishing ideas, joking and laughing. We have little debates, confident in our views and sure the other is wrong. We bet on where Marky Mark got his start (turns out the Mr. is right it was NKOTB) and whether or not earwigs can really bore into the human brain via the ear (I was wrong about that too, they can't). It's a refreshing change from earlier in the week when the arguments were serious. The tension palpable between us. Each choosing space instead of cutting words. I find myself panicked still about our relationship when this happens. When we argue. Part of me so sure of myself and hurt for his not understanding. Silent, stubborn, standing off, this is how I protect myself. At the same time panic has set, as it always does when we fight, and I instantly at the same time want to run to him - tell him I'm joking or wrong. Just don't be mad anymore I can't take it. Desperate. I hate this desperate part of myself and do everything in my power to hide it, especially in these moments when it screams the loudest.

A day goes by like this. All the day long I oscillate between catastrophe and desperation. Between wondering how long until it all falls apart, and what were we thinking bringing another human being into the world when we can't even get along, wanting to get in my car and drive for miles until I hit the dry desert with it's oppressive heat and isolation. These thoughts are mixed with the old familiar panic, don't leave me, I love you so much, how can I make it without you. These two extremes form the landscape of my mind. Sprinkled with sarcasm and cynicism. A little humor and self degradation. It keeps me humble and crazy. Constant chatter and doubt.

Instead of the desert and its isolation I find the hustle of the shopping mall. There I wander amidst families, power walking between couples. Mindless and numb, the stimulation distracts my monkey mind. Away from all of the doubt and panic. The walking creates a clearing within. I am able to breathe. I remember that I love my husband dearly. I remember that we are both indeed very committed to one another. It is not the end of the world, even if it does feel that way. I find my center, on my own. Among all of the shoppers. I decide then it's time to go home.

I find him at home on the back porch with the boy. We start our dance at a distance. From inside through the window I start to gently poke and prod. He escalates in anger. I am calm. I escalate in anger. He is calm. We each speak back and forth. Heated. Both hurt. But each tending to the other, in our own ways. I let the process happen and we find our common ground again. The space between us shrinks. Hours later, we are each still tender but the heat has lifted. All that is left now is the continuing of coming together. And a day later at the start of our weekend, we are laughing and intentionally needling each other. Sharing our opinions, wondering out loud and betting we know more than the other.

This is our dance. We will dance it over and over. It evolves and changes as we do. I am so very thankful we are able to take the space we need now. I think back to years ago when we yelled. Like dogs chained to a fence, neither of us able to get away. Name calling (that was me), saying things just to be hurtful (that was him). We are able to argue now and remember while arguing that we really do love each other. And try in the moment to treat each other that way. Sometimes, we succumb to the temptation, hitting below the belt. But we've learned to be gracious with each other also. Allowing for room. Knowing we will step on each other's toes. Knowing the other will sometimes be blatantly wrong and loving them more because of it. Even if technically I'm right because Marky-Mark wasn't in NKOTB when they made it big. At least not that I remember...

my little boy's lullaby

2008-07-03T08:21:00.006-06:00

I love you best when it's dusk and you're fighting the inevitable slumber.
Kicking ferociously beside me. Each stretch of your legs marked with a punctuated grunt.
Rolling away and back again.
Nursing and rubbing your eyes.
Pulling away.
Little wet wormy fingers
scratching and pulling desperately at my face.
Grasping fleshy cheeks, a protruding nose
then exploring - wiggling and prying my lips.
finding my teeth
A sudden realization and satisfaction
leaves as soon as it's realized
and the leaving is marked by more grunting and kicking
which begins to morph into a slumber song
another sort of exploration
sound
repeated
sound
repeated
your fingers lost track on my face
nurse, nurse
your lullaby coo
rubbing eyes with heavy lids
you succumb for a moment and drift off
and I think for just a moment "oh no, I'm going to miss you"
then eyes flutter open, as if you heard my thought
two pats on my check from your open palm
the last throws of a boxer who's lost his match
grateful and smitten I kiss your head and
breath you in. I love you best this way too.
Covered in peace, but certainly not the bed sheet.

P.S. I found my camera! Thank you! Thank you! My little boy's personal paparazzi has returned!

a little come to Jesus

2008-06-26T10:20:00.008-06:00

Otherwise known as, Things I Really Despise About Others That I'm Beginning to See How I Embody:
I've recently been complaining, at least in my head and to my hubby, that my friendships seem inconsistent and therefore lacking. In whine mode, it sounds like this, "Who's there for me on a regular basis? Who do I have really regular intimate relationships with?" And in the shower the other morning as I was beginning, again, to whine to myself in my head about how I'm all alone, have no one, am bored etc. I started thinking instead, "What have I been doing to foster the relationships that are dear to me?" and I realized, I was the inconsistent one - that's right me. I hadn't returned phone calls to anyone in my posse in any kind of a timely manner. While I've always enjoyed the loyalty and flexibility of my friendships with my girlfriends it seemed that the exception had become the rule. The more I thought about it, the more it was clear that I had set the standard in my friendships of inconsistency. The old golden rule is a beauty huh? The good news about realizing you were the one screwing up? You can fix it.

Some other things that I've been bitching about? People who take things for granted. (to see how this applies to me see the above paragraph)

Now I'm gonna go ahead and blame the baby. Seriously. Having a baby is like getting transported to another planet. I feel like I'm starting to wake up from a comma. On this new Planet Parent, everything is eerily similar and yet different enough to be jarring. It's like putting the milk in the cupboard - regularly. It feels like the right thing to do but somehow it's just not quite right. Familiar and odd. Similar and somehow me, only not quite in the same form as I remember. I have all these judgements that I should know what I'm doing mixed with tremors of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

Having said all of that, it is a tremendous gift. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I feel like I've learned (and am still learning) to come home to myself. I guess (here's where I get all philosophical) the beauty of a brand new day is getting to start new. That's sort of been my experience with parenting (only different). I'm sure I took lots of things for granted and was truant in my relationships but I didn't have the awareness of doing those things. Somehow having this beautiful little boy that I love so much has helped me to redefine myself. I have greater awareness (at least I think I do) about me. More insight into who I am. Where is this awareness coming from? Why after becoming a parent? I think it's because my little boy is so important to me. And I'm sure I'm gonna screw lots of things up and want to do some things differently but as best I can I'd like to do the best I can for him and me. That means...some (more) self reflection. That seems to be the theme around here lately. I'm just so grateful and blessed that I get to love someone so much and I get to be a better person for it.

P.S. It's just occurring to me that I probably didn't have to have a baby to do that...that's just what's happened for me. Or if you prefer, it took me becoming a parent to have some (more)awareness about who I am. Although, I don't know that I would recommend that method for others, meditation may be a more direct and certainly less expensive path to self insight. We could also debate about whether this happens for everyone who becomes a parent? or meditates? And also, (randomly) I've really been into lists lately.

P.S.S. More randomness...has anyone seen my camera? Seriously. It's been missing for about a month now and I'm really starting to miss it. I wish it would show itself soon. I'm about to assume the worst. sigh.

Note to self: try meditation - regularly

some random-ness from the weekend

2008-06-23T09:13:00.004-06:00

1. a fabulous (really, really fabulous) date with the hubby this weekend
2. thank goodness for in laws to watch the little one
3. finished reading Eat, Pray, Love this morning (I actually finished a book!)
4. fabulous meal to go with the fabulous date
5. a new journal that fits in my purse
6. new realization that I really struggle to track my thoughts (I think I always knew this, but then forgot I knew and remembered again)
7. struggling with too much wonder and questions in my head, mostly fueled by feelings of incompetence
8. loving that I have a safe place to land and can get love and support from my hubby (see also #1)
9. feeling more balanced now, letting it pass, allowing and accepting my process
10. now: a napping boy
11. looking forward to my lunch date with my aunt (lunch dates rock, especially if they're with people you admire)
12. settling into summer
13. wondering about summer meals (is it just me or do other people struggle coming up with a menu in the summer time?)
14. I can't believe I almost forgot to put this down: the little boy cut his first tooth! 7 months old
15. so also lots of broken sleep and foggy, weary days in the heat
16. really enjoying naps and going to bed early

if you are afraid of the dark

2008-06-17T21:02:00.003-06:00

A long kept secret and struggle of mine: I am afraid of the dark. I always have been, for as long as I can remember. My over active imagination has kept me in bed with a full bladder pondering the shadows and bumps in the night more times than I care to admit to. And despite my age and education I just can't seem to talk myself out of it. I have always felt sheepish about it. Full of self judgement. Aren't I getting a little too old to be afraid of the dark? When I was in my early 20's I lived on my own. I thought for sure living by myself would prove my bravery. How can you live by yourself and still be afraid of the dark? Each night before tucking myself into bed I would check each closet and under the bed. Oh, behind the shower curtain too - there's no telling what random murderous psycho or retching monster may be waiting there noting to themselves to be extra scary because clearly I don't clean out my tub. It seems to come and go. And for a very long time I have told myself I just have a sensitive subconscious. The way people are more susceptible to the common cold. Don't show me scary movies or tell me gruesome tales. That stuff stays with me and then, it comes back to haunt me. So I'm sucking up my shame to tell you, dear reader, about this. Mainly because, I'm tired of being afraid of the dark. I'm a grown up already! I pay taxes, I have a baby, my 10 year reunion is in a few weeks! Can I grow out of this already? Last night I sat in bed and pondered the shadows while wondering, again just how badly did I have to pee and how long until the sun comes up. So since talking myself out of this hasn't worked, I'm trying a new approach. It occurred to me that maybe I'm just very creative and for some reason fixated on dark, mysterious things. Maybe authors of horror share similar thoughts but don't see it as a problem. So instead of imagining what horrible fates could be waiting just around the corner for me, I'm going to try pretending it's a story. A premise for a book maybe. Maybe I can see these thoughts as blessings eventually. The scary, creative muse visiting again (always when I have to pee and the house is quiet. I guess if that fails, I'm just grateful to have a big hairy husband who doesn't seem to mind me waking him up from time to time. You know just to make sure I make it back from the bathroom intact.

the last seven days, a list

2008-06-11T07:24:00.003-06:00

- a day spent at the office, I went in early even to catch up on the never ending paperwork
- searching for the perfect birthday present for mom in-law. found it!
- taking the pooch to the vet with the boy (this was a test in patients and physical strength)
- more time spent doing work I love with people I enjoy (I am so very blessed)
- a late birthday party! for me and my mom in-law
- opening presents
- mojitos
- bar-b-que!
- good friends
- a night around our new little outdoor fireplace with s'mores and conversation
- a day to rest, catch up and prepare for the coming week (read as laundry, grocery store, bills)
- visiting old friends and catching up
- filing for a birth certificate for the boy (he's made it seven months and all without the proper paperwork in order)
- yard work
- getting upset with my hubby
- a really, really long walk with the boy
- great conversation with my hubby, some stolen time late at night to reconnect

Yep. There you have it. Some chores and neurosis, a party sandwiched in between work. I know I didn't share the neurosis part in the list, I wasn't quite sure how to fit that in...okay, I'm still not except to say that I can get carried away in my little brain sometimes and my days feel so full of things - I get through them like a check list of things to do. Rarely lately do I find myself really indulging in a moment...in a regular old run of the mill moment, if you will. In dinner. Or grocery shopping. I feel like I have just enough time to brace myself before getting hit with the next wave. Then the wave comes and I find myself baring down for the next. Writing out the above list really illustrated that for me.

The crazy, wonderful part is that I have so much to be grateful for. And I am! I just am not really feeling it. I'm not living it. Overwhelmed in one moment and then surging ahead trying to plan, prepare, contemplate the next. Never really sitting here. Just right here. In this very sacred, beautiful moment.

Ahhhh. What a relief it is to let all of that go and just be here now. I can drive myself crazy trying to plan out the future and analyze my past. And I rob myself of now. Hhhhmmmff.

a birthday post

2008-06-03T14:38:00.003-06:00

I have this personal rule about working on my birthday. I don't. Well at least, if I can take it off I always have. Today, however, I was going to go into work - just for an hour at the most - and not because I really wanted to, but because I had to - a super high speed meeting that had to happen today. So my hubby came home to watch the little one and I, all dolled up for work took off. But alas, the birthday fates had other plans in store...a big fat flat tire! A tow truck ride, my first time ever using road side assistance and four new tires later (it turns out they were having a sale on tires and all four did need to be replaced). I called in whilst I sat waiting for the tow truck guy and tele-conferenced in for the meeting- not the best situation but the only one that would work under the circumstances (thank goodness for technology and cell phones, what would I have done today without one?) and now, here I am a year older, a little morning adventure and some new tires!

So back to taking the day off and enjoying it - the way the fates intended (apparently).

On a tangent, I think I'm going to always take off the little boy's birthday. That is if he wants me to (I'm thinking when he's older he may not, but who knows) It can be his day with me and his daddy to do whatever he wants, go to the zoo, a movie, whatever he wants.

I remember when I was a kid, second grade-ish, I stayed home sick and went to the grocery store with my mom. I was shocked to see other people out in the world! I thought everyone either went to school or work during the day(which in my little kiddo brain meant in an office somewhere) I couldn't believe there were people out doing things - like it was a weekend or something! I had this endless possibility moment, where the whole world could be all mine when I was a grown up, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week. It was scary and liberating all at the same time. Who knows maybe all little kids have this sort of realization (that the world does go on without them)? and maybe our little boy will enjoy always having at least one designated day with his cool folks to do whatever his little heart desires!

You know you're getting too old for a pinata, when the idea of picking paper and candy out of your yard is a huge deterrent from the possibility of getting to beat a paper animal until it renders the goods. Damn you responsible adult brain!

unfinished business

2008-06-02T08:18:00.004-06:00

Here's what I've known about me for sometime; I lack follow through. I have been this way for as long as I can remember although I wasn't aware of it for much of my life. When I began to become aware of this little flaw I spent quite some time in denial about it. I'd try to blame other circumstances, people, situations - and while sometimes my excuses may have been valid, the real issue is still blaring, I hardly finish what I start. From household projects, creative endeavors, work projects, even personal journals, none are complete. That's right, even personal journals kept throughout my entire life, none are completely filled up. I start with gusto and romantic visions, hopes of what will come and stop three quarters of the way through. And so it is and has been with just about everything in my life. A subtle and effective form of self sabotage. I just don't complete things. It's like I just run out of steam. And so my life has become filled with things I haven't finished. They take up space and sit with excuses or reasons for not finishing - sometimes it's just that I don't want to. They collect dust and reinforce this belief about me not finishing things. I trick myself into forgetting about this flaw of mine and find myself feeling overwhelmed and stuck with nothing specific to point to. This habit reinforces ideas like, I'll never go anywhere, It never works out and Just who do I think I am. I have been feeding my inner critic - one unfinished project at a time.

So here's the part where I would usually cheer lead myself and make renewed promises to myself to do better, be better etc. There is something about doing that that feels like a perpetuation of the same cycle though. I'm not really clear what my next step is. Right now, I'm working on continuing my awareness of this tendency - I'm also going to grow awareness about the projects I take on...but it feels like there's more, something larger and deeper. I don't know - maybe I'm trying to read too much into it. I'm going to do what I can and trust that if there is more it will be revealed to me at the right time and place.