One Day Too Many

The shortest month of the year feels like the longest. Hooray for the end of February! I know it may seem childish to blame everything that's been difficult for me on a month - but I'm gonna! Bring on March already! And for cathartic purposes a list of everything that's gone wrong this month.

An Ode to February:
- I dropped the laptop and shattered the screen
- Our desktop gets a virus and everything is erased
- I'm sick with the crud
- Trouble with me and my hubby
- The stereo is broken
- My hair is still falling out
- A job fell through

There you have it. February, you're usually not such a nuisance but this year you were and I'm glad to be done with you! Hopefully your extra day this year doesn't kill me.

In other happenings, NaBloPoMo is going monthly! I'm jumping in for March. That's right Blogworld - you'll be hearing from me everyday for the month of March. There's even suggested themes. March's theme is lists. Oh I do love lists!

Tempted to Make Lemonade

I was just reading my last post. It sounded a bit dire and on one hand it should be - things are upside down in my house right now - but I also know that there's the other hand too. Who doesn't struggle? And I've got so much love and support around me.

In a lot of ways when I struggle, I get to see how far I've come from my last crisis. But sometimes I get frustrated because it feels like I'm supposed to find the silver lining in everything. Can't something just plain suck without finding the positive? I know that I can talk myself out of things - on one hand there's a process going on. On the other hand, I need to honor where I am and make sure I don't try to move to quickly out of something just because it sucks. I don't know if any of this makes sense.

So often I put something out there and then look back wondering, "should I have put that out there?" That kind of wondering can make a person crazy. So here I am wondering. I guess really, I just wanted to tell you blogworld that I am okay. And even when I'm not okay, I know I will be.

In the meantime, I'm gonna try and save myself some grief and not second guess myself so much.

The Journey

The poem, The Journey by Mary Oliver has been resonating with me since I first stumbled upon the words in a book store a week ago. Now that different things in my life have come into focus, the last few words have become a mantra. Something to hold on to – save yourself, don’t lose yourself, take care of you. It’s funny, and crazy and scary sometimes how quickly life can change. It’s a terribly beautiful journey, this life.

I wait and hope I come out of it all a beautifully polished rock. My jagged edges refined by the topsy-turvy of it all. I find my inner strength but wonder about my ability to forgive. I am resilient but wonder about my relationship? I am already grateful for the struggle of it all. I accept the gifts that come with strife but even with that surrender, the pain is still there. All the hurt that's left in questions that only have their answer in the journey itself....

Drunk on Love and Other Gooey Stuff

Here’s what I’m loving lately:
My little boy’s face after he’s gotten good and drunk on breast milk
The recent change in weather – Spring is on its way!
My first comment ever left on my blog by this awesome lady http://www.girlsgonechild.blogspot.com/
Reconnecting with old friends
Not feeling like such a hermit anymore
Poems by Mary Oliver
My new hair cut

I’ve got to be honest bloggies, I’ve been down lately. From winter weather and struggling to finding a new sense of center now that I’m a mommy, hair loss and breaking my laptop, it has been easier to focus on what’s wrong in my life lately instead of all that I have to be grateful for. And I do have a lot to be grateful for. I’ve found myself clutching to the wonderful in my life while I wait out this serious case of off center, who the hell am I, blahs. My clutching and waiting seem to have paid off. Thank God! A new hair cut, some nice weather and a friendly hello from someone I've admired for some time and the wonderful is back to the foreground of my life.

My latest conundrum: Blogger etiquette and adoration. It’s strange in this blog world. I’ve read people’s blogs for years as a silent observer. Reading their thoughts, laughing at their jokes, enjoying a very one sided relationship – where I don’t have to reveal a thing. You see dear readers and bloggers alike, I can be shy and timid. And in the blog world, I’ve been selfish and quiet, reading and enjoying others’ blogs but never interacting. Now that I’ve decided to blog myself, I see the error of my ways, I know now that blogging can be a lonely soap box, a one person forum. It can also be a community. In order to be a community however, people have to share. Consider yourself warned blog world; this gal is stepping out of her comfortable little box. You can expect a comment from me soon!

No Co-in-ki-dink

Guess what showed up in my email this morning? This love your body quiz http://www.now.org/issues/health/loveyourbody_quiz.html
from a great friend in NY city. Is there any woman out there who hasn't struggled with body image? I was so grateful to receive this awesome reminder to love and honor my body. My body has done so many wonderful and amazing things for me. I am a true believer in body wisdom. I consider myself an educated feminist - conscious of all the destructive messages portrayed in entertainment and advertising and I still struggle with truly accepting my wonderful, imperfect and beautiful form - especially post pregnancy. Happy V-day everyone! Here's another great site to check out, if you haven't already. www.vday.org

Warning to faint of heart: Major bitch session ahead!

My body doesn't belong to me anymore! I share it with a drooling ravenous infant. And even if my body was completely mine, I'm not sure I would recognize it. I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere close to my pre-pregnancy weight but my fat seems to have redistributed itself and seems to be taking an even more flabby appearance than before. My fat used to say supple and "Hey baby, I'm built for comfort not speed." Now, I'm just amazed at the different texture of my skin over my fat - none of it sexy, from stretchy chicken skin (breasts) to stretch marks (thighs). I feel like a warrior queen after an amazing labor and birth but I look like I've actually been in a war. I'm losing my hair another fabulous side effect to all the wonderful hormones coursing through me (see also moodiness). Have I mentioned sleep deprivation or the fact that I'm also sharing my bed with baby? And while you may think a 3-4 month old baby wouldn't take up much room he's managed to make himself as large as possible while sleeping. All this nagging in my head and a to do list that isn't getting done.

Well, I've solved the mystery of my moodiness (see also hormones).

Whew! Coming down off that one.

I struggle lately with the uglier stuff. and I hate that. I'm having a hard time finding balance and that little voice in my head says I should be there already. (where's there?) People always say how hard being a parent is but I don't think there's any way to really understand it until you're in it. and here I am. Feeling guilty I don't love every minute of it and wondering if that means I'm a bad mom. (I gotta get over that one quick!)

I have so much to be grateful for. Really. I despise this nagging voice inside my head that directs my attention away from everything that's wonderful in my life. I just can't seem to get it to quiet down for any length of time. It creeps back in right when I think I've got it. I just hope I find a new center for myself and get the hang of this whole thing soon. Then when I do it can all change again!

Another Monday

I was planning on posting more than just once this week - and all week long I thought of clever post titles and neat things to say and share. Alas, time just kept getting away from me and then the laptop decided to stop working. Then I began to over think things and suffer from inner critic paralysis. That inner critic starts up and I try brainstorming ideas but they suddenly all sound like bad ones. At that point, I start coming up with reasons not to blog and share, then start thinking about deleting the blog entirely and going back to bed. Darn depressing.
Lucky for us I pressed on and am now forcing myself to write this. On a Monday no less! Congratulations to me! Writer's block strikes and we must strike back!

In other news: New Blogger Struggles to Come Up With Other News.

Stupid writers block! Don't worry blogworld, you haven't heard the last of me! Maybe I just need some breakfast. Yeesh!

Here I Am Blog World!

I could work myself into a tizzy thinking about what should go into my first blog post - instead I'm just going to throw this out there! Hello blog world! Who knew this would be so exciting?I imagine there's quite a learning curve with this. I'm already looking forward to getting over that hump! On with it already! There are so many things I admire out there in the blog world, from writing styles, to different projects, a sense of community, a place for expression. I'm curious and looking forward to what this new journey will bring!