I've been hiding out. Lurking, looking, admiring others. Dreaming of what my new blog could look like. It's still in the works but I just couldn't hide anymore. Right now it looks plain and drab and the final product, which will no doubt evolve, may not have all the soul I am hoping for...but alas...
In other news, I'm back to my normal routine of taking regular pregnancy tests. It's something I've always done but lately I've been even more of a nut than usual. So here's the thing, I've always been super paranoid about getting knocked up. Call me crazy but I think that the world of pregnancy tests will take a financial hit when I go into my menopausal years and no longer need their services. I shudder to think what I would be like if I lived decades earlier when pregnancy detection was not as convenient. I have a stock of tests. Especially now that the dollar store sells them. I mean really how could a girl like me resist? Some people gamble, I take pregnancy tests. I get the slightest chill or queasiness and the next morning I'm peeing on that stick. It doesn't help matters that I'm still nursing and so have been without my blessed monthly friend for over a year now. Some days I really do miss her...but until she returns I'll just keep regularly checking my urine for hCG.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
the magic trunk and my artistic process
Well, it finally happened...after years of waiting and wishing. You see I have always dabbled creatively. And I've always had the belief that in order for me to really be productive and make great stuff I need a dedicated space. A space all my own. Space to spread out breath and keep everything. For the last 10 years I've been spread out everywhere. Well, I don't have a dedicated space all my own (yet) but I finally got it all in one accessible spot, right next to the kitchen table where I usually work. It's relieving, exciting and a little scary. In my head I've told myself that's what's been holding me back. Now what excuses do I have? I mean a dedicated space is still important to me. But I can now officially take over the kitchen table and store it all in my magic trunk for safe keeping in between working.
The other night I was laying in bed with the mister and it hit me - nobody is holding me back but me! What a thought. When I pay attention to the things I tell myself, I realize I am always blaming my unhappiness on others. I would be happy if...fill in the blank. It usually goes something like this, I would be happy if so and so would do something different which would enable me to do something different and then I would be happy, more productive, rich, more fulfilled, whatever. Why am I making my happiness contingent on others? Who knows. But it is something I will be paying more attention to and stopping. That's how the magic trunk came about in the first place.
Well, the trunk has always been magic and I've had it for years. I found it at an old antique store at least 10 years ago. I loved the beat up look of it and the old 1940's newspaper I found in the bottom of it. The store has since closed. But the trunk has been with me ever since. It's in need of repair and refinishing. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I had been thinking if only I had dedicated space I could be making all kinds of beautiful stuff...blah, blah, blah - living in that alternate reality of mine. When it hit me: what can I do now that will work? And I remembered my beloved trunk taking up space in our storage shed. So there you have it.
While I was in the process of organizing all of my endless art supplies I took some time to review my endless sketchbooks. And what occurred to me was a sad realization. Here's where the scary part comes in: what if it's not a matter of dedicated space? I have at least 5 sketchbooks all with maybe 5 to 10 ideas or sketches /scribblings and none of them looked appealing to me at all. So now that I have some organized space it's afforded me the opportunity to examine what my art making is about. What I hope to accomplish. What is appealing to me. What do I want to make. Or I could always find something or someone else to blame and continue to stall out my process...
The other night I was laying in bed with the mister and it hit me - nobody is holding me back but me! What a thought. When I pay attention to the things I tell myself, I realize I am always blaming my unhappiness on others. I would be happy if...fill in the blank. It usually goes something like this, I would be happy if so and so would do something different which would enable me to do something different and then I would be happy, more productive, rich, more fulfilled, whatever. Why am I making my happiness contingent on others? Who knows. But it is something I will be paying more attention to and stopping. That's how the magic trunk came about in the first place.
Well, the trunk has always been magic and I've had it for years. I found it at an old antique store at least 10 years ago. I loved the beat up look of it and the old 1940's newspaper I found in the bottom of it. The store has since closed. But the trunk has been with me ever since. It's in need of repair and refinishing. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I had been thinking if only I had dedicated space I could be making all kinds of beautiful stuff...blah, blah, blah - living in that alternate reality of mine. When it hit me: what can I do now that will work? And I remembered my beloved trunk taking up space in our storage shed. So there you have it.
While I was in the process of organizing all of my endless art supplies I took some time to review my endless sketchbooks. And what occurred to me was a sad realization. Here's where the scary part comes in: what if it's not a matter of dedicated space? I have at least 5 sketchbooks all with maybe 5 to 10 ideas or sketches /scribblings and none of them looked appealing to me at all. So now that I have some organized space it's afforded me the opportunity to examine what my art making is about. What I hope to accomplish. What is appealing to me. What do I want to make. Or I could always find something or someone else to blame and continue to stall out my process...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
a new year's eve post
In the process of changing the look around here. I know it's stark. There is something about the New Year, I begin to crave simple. Less is more. Maybe it's the blessings and abundance of Christmas. I go into overload and start to look around my small family's bungalow wondering what I can donate to Good Will. I wasted no time this year. I've already gotten rid of one bag of used items. I always hope the theme of simplicity will carry throughout the year. Inevitably, I end up doing major cleaning each season getting rid of those things that seemed to be a good idea at the time...but never got used.
I've been talking about changing the look of my blog for some time now. Well start with the bare minimum and see how I build. At the end of every year I find myself reflecting on the year past and what's to come. This year I've taken notice of this fabulous blogger and am choosing some words to carry me into 2009. The words (because despite myself I couldn't choose just one) are Vitality and Balance. I've also decided to share more here from my personal writings... so I promise there's more to come.
Here are some things I'm planning to share:
-my list of things I'd like to do in 2009
-my list from 2008 (a reflection)
-writing on my words for 2009
How do you clear space and prepare for the New Year?
Cheers!
I've been talking about changing the look of my blog for some time now. Well start with the bare minimum and see how I build. At the end of every year I find myself reflecting on the year past and what's to come. This year I've taken notice of this fabulous blogger and am choosing some words to carry me into 2009. The words (because despite myself I couldn't choose just one) are Vitality and Balance. I've also decided to share more here from my personal writings... so I promise there's more to come.
Here are some things I'm planning to share:
-my list of things I'd like to do in 2009
-my list from 2008 (a reflection)
-writing on my words for 2009
How do you clear space and prepare for the New Year?
Cheers!
Friday, December 26, 2008
post christmas post
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Our little family spent time with friends and had time to snuggle in together. What more could someone ask for? We also got some great gifts. The little boy is only going to get more and more excited about this time of year. I enjoyed getting to wrap presents in front of him, only to give to him later...love that short memory.
I've been an absent blogger as of late. I'm thinking about remodeling. I'm hoping for the New Year I can pull something together. We'll see how it goes. I'm really crummy with that sort of thing. Or rather, I get great ideas...it's making them a reality I struggle with.
I've been an absent blogger as of late. I'm thinking about remodeling. I'm hoping for the New Year I can pull something together. We'll see how it goes. I'm really crummy with that sort of thing. Or rather, I get great ideas...it's making them a reality I struggle with.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
blogger blahs
After a few weeks hiatus, I'm back...for now. I can't make any promises about how long it will last. Or what my new pattern of blogging will be. But I thought I should get something in for the month of December. So here is what's up with the joyful ordinary: I'm working on removing the words "I'm sorry" from my vocabulary. Not because the phrase isn't sometimes useful but because after a brief self survey I've found that I say I'm sorry way too much. If something goes wrong, I'm sorry. If I didn't catch everything, I'm sorry. If something doesn't turn out the way I planned, I'm sorry. I apologize for things out of my control. I apologize for other people's feelings. I need to increase my vocabulary and learn to speak to what it is I really want to communicate because one person cannot possibly be sorry as often as I am.
In other news, yesterday I had some sense knocked into me...or rather some gratitude. I was cleaning our bedroom when the large mirror that has sat on our dresser for years fell over on top of me and hit me in the back of the head. It took me a few moments to realize what happened and then determine that I wasn't going to be knocked unconscious. It took me even longer to realize I wasn't bleeding. Even later after that I realized I was covered in little slivers of glass that I had now scattered throughout our house as I wandered around in a daze. I immediately called my hubby who rushed home. Once the shock wore off the gratitude snuck in. I was immediately grateful the little boy who is sometimes attached to my hip wasn't in the room when it happened. I was glad to have such a wonderful husband who rushed home to dote on my and make sure I was okay. Then I started thinking about the crappy mood I was in before it happened. It only takes an escape from the emergency room to realize all of the things that are going right in my life.
So there you have it. No apologies, a broken mirror and a grateful heart.
In other news, yesterday I had some sense knocked into me...or rather some gratitude. I was cleaning our bedroom when the large mirror that has sat on our dresser for years fell over on top of me and hit me in the back of the head. It took me a few moments to realize what happened and then determine that I wasn't going to be knocked unconscious. It took me even longer to realize I wasn't bleeding. Even later after that I realized I was covered in little slivers of glass that I had now scattered throughout our house as I wandered around in a daze. I immediately called my hubby who rushed home. Once the shock wore off the gratitude snuck in. I was immediately grateful the little boy who is sometimes attached to my hip wasn't in the room when it happened. I was glad to have such a wonderful husband who rushed home to dote on my and make sure I was okay. Then I started thinking about the crappy mood I was in before it happened. It only takes an escape from the emergency room to realize all of the things that are going right in my life.
So there you have it. No apologies, a broken mirror and a grateful heart.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
happy thanksgiving
Today I am grateful for: sunrises, the ability to make meaning of seemingly random events, personalizing, my family (when I say family I'm referring to my hubby and the little boy), the realization that I have created my own family, really deep restorative sleep, good coffee, brand new days, cold weather, quiet time to myself well spent. I'm grateful for the ability to be thankful and for learning and self reflection, for change - whether political, a changed mind, a new season, a new healthy habit. I'm grateful for my body and its amazing powers to conduct life, to heal, to process and to transform. It's like I live in a miraculous organic transformation machine - put material in and presto, into energy. I see something amiss in my world and I can use that energy to help manifest change. I am grateful for waking up early without an alarm because I've gotten enough sleep. I'm grateful for the ability to help others. I'm grateful for growth, especially my own. I'm grateful for my journey.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
blogger throws in the towel after 19 days
After blogging for 19 days straight for NaBloPoMo I dropped the ball. I don't even have a good excuse ... the good news is I have some time to think of one. Now that I'm not feeling the pressure to come up with something every day maybe I can come up with something creative. Probably not though. Maybe next year.
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