a random list of sorts

Still no cord for the camera...

We have company coming this week. Looking forward to visiting with good friends - but feeling a little overwhelmed.

I have a forever long and growing to do list.

Dealing with an assertive and ornery little boy. He's figuring things out, testing limits. Driving me nuts! It's that devilish little grin when he knows it's a no and does it anyway. My bad karma come back to haunt me.

Enjoying local honey from the farmer's market.

Wondering how am I going to get through the summer with this heat!?

Just got my library card for Mesa County Libraries! They're not gonna know what hit them. I already have a list of books I'm gonna check out. Oh, I do love my library!

Harvesting my old journals. Looking back through at past wishes and worries, finding ideas to expand on. Seeing that I've always just needed to give myself lots kindness.

Thankful for a napping boy.

Now back to my to do list...

a long hot spring

Searching for just the right spot. Not too much sun - or too much shade. Looking to dig my roots in deep. Let the soil feed me as I reach towards the heavens. And grow.

Here's what settling in and a long hot spring looks like...

Okay, pictures to come soon...

I can't find my cord that connects the camera to the computer...

Moving and settling in, no kidding...sheesh.

home again, home again

Unpacking. Boxes everywhere. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. Where does everything go? Where is everything? How did we acquire so much stuff? And yet it seems I still don't have everything I need. I cringe at the thought of purchasing more stuff with so much to unpack...but we do need curtains, and this to replace the sink and then of course this over here. So I do need that. And that is how I end up with more stuff. I'm having fantasies of wiggling my nose and it all falling into place. Either that or pitching it all and living like a nomad.

the struggle

So I have to be honest, I've been thinking about deleting - or rather removing all of the old posts. It's been so long. I feel a little sheepish picking this back up again. Looking at all of the old posts. Trying to remember what I am doing this for anyway. All of those goblins step up to the microphone, "who do you think you are?" they ask. Then I remembered a quote by Rumi that's been haunting me since I read it:

Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.

The quote, by the way, I found in Life, Paint and Passion which is an awesome book. I'm only upset I didn't hear about it sooner. It got me psyched about honoring my process with paints!
It's funny, I read that quote a few weeks before moving here. Where I don't know anyone except my aunt that lives one town over. I was feeling doubtful. Afraid. Then this flies off the page at me. Well alright, universe. I'll go for it already.

Sometimes I think life is about learning to get out of your own way.

where have I been?

So six months is quite a sabbatical, eh? I could throw out all kinds of excuses: the dog ate my computer, I have a 19 month old son, we put our house on the market, sold our house and are now living in a brand new town. I could also apologize and make all kinds of promises...so I already gave you the excuses but I won't do the apology and promises thing. What I will say is, I'll give it another go and we'll see how it turns out.

Tomorrow will mark the first week in our new house in a new town. What I can say so far, it's a lovely and small town, moving is crazy and I miss my loved ones back home. My melancholy with moving is particularly heightened because my husband had to go out of town for 4 days, leaving me and the little one here in our new home and a new town. Have I said that I'm living in a new town? Anyone reading this in Grand Junction, I am the one driving in circles looking a little sad and confused.

So about the new town. First, thank goodness it's relatively small so I can't get too lost or confused. And also, small towns make for friendly people - or at least everyone I've met here. I'm sharpening up on my conversation skills. Everyone is so friendly. People say "hi, how are you" here and seem to mean it. There's follow up conversation about the weather or anything else you may have in common. It's lovely! And has helped with the melancholy.

Our new home already feels like home. It needs lots of work. The mister and I have lots of home projects outlined for our future. It's spacious and roomy and has lots of character. And a space for a studio for me! I couldn't be more thrilled!

So there you have it. I'm back. At least for now.

test anyone?

I've been hiding out. Lurking, looking, admiring others. Dreaming of what my new blog could look like. It's still in the works but I just couldn't hide anymore. Right now it looks plain and drab and the final product, which will no doubt evolve, may not have all the soul I am hoping for...but alas...

In other news, I'm back to my normal routine of taking regular pregnancy tests. It's something I've always done but lately I've been even more of a nut than usual. So here's the thing, I've always been super paranoid about getting knocked up. Call me crazy but I think that the world of pregnancy tests will take a financial hit when I go into my menopausal years and no longer need their services. I shudder to think what I would be like if I lived decades earlier when pregnancy detection was not as convenient. I have a stock of tests. Especially now that the dollar store sells them. I mean really how could a girl like me resist? Some people gamble, I take pregnancy tests. I get the slightest chill or queasiness and the next morning I'm peeing on that stick. It doesn't help matters that I'm still nursing and so have been without my blessed monthly friend for over a year now. Some days I really do miss her...but until she returns I'll just keep regularly checking my urine for hCG.

the magic trunk and my artistic process

Well, it finally happened...after years of waiting and wishing. You see I have always dabbled creatively. And I've always had the belief that in order for me to really be productive and make great stuff I need a dedicated space. A space all my own. Space to spread out breath and keep everything. For the last 10 years I've been spread out everywhere. Well, I don't have a dedicated space all my own (yet) but I finally got it all in one accessible spot, right next to the kitchen table where I usually work. It's relieving, exciting and a little scary. In my head I've told myself that's what's been holding me back. Now what excuses do I have? I mean a dedicated space is still important to me. But I can now officially take over the kitchen table and store it all in my magic trunk for safe keeping in between working.

The other night I was laying in bed with the mister and it hit me - nobody is holding me back but me! What a thought. When I pay attention to the things I tell myself, I realize I am always blaming my unhappiness on others. I would be happy if...fill in the blank. It usually goes something like this, I would be happy if so and so would do something different which would enable me to do something different and then I would be happy, more productive, rich, more fulfilled, whatever. Why am I making my happiness contingent on others? Who knows. But it is something I will be paying more attention to and stopping. That's how the magic trunk came about in the first place.

Well, the trunk has always been magic and I've had it for years. I found it at an old antique store at least 10 years ago. I loved the beat up look of it and the old 1940's newspaper I found in the bottom of it. The store has since closed. But the trunk has been with me ever since. It's in need of repair and refinishing. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I had been thinking if only I had dedicated space I could be making all kinds of beautiful stuff...blah, blah, blah - living in that alternate reality of mine. When it hit me: what can I do now that will work? And I remembered my beloved trunk taking up space in our storage shed. So there you have it.

While I was in the process of organizing all of my endless art supplies I took some time to review my endless sketchbooks. And what occurred to me was a sad realization. Here's where the scary part comes in: what if it's not a matter of dedicated space? I have at least 5 sketchbooks all with maybe 5 to 10 ideas or sketches /scribblings and none of them looked appealing to me at all. So now that I have some organized space it's afforded me the opportunity to examine what my art making is about. What I hope to accomplish. What is appealing to me. What do I want to make. Or I could always find something or someone else to blame and continue to stall out my process...