confessions of a blogger

I'm still trying to make sense of why I decided to blog. I'm still sorting and self judging, what I should share. Then I worry, even and especially as I write this that I sound whiny. No one likes to read whiny writing. I swear I'm not whiny in real life. I judge that this should look finished, complete. This should be a well put together project. My blog should have coherency. Then I feel like I'm at a total loss and start wondering why it is I want to blog.

Here's what has come to me lately about my reasons for blogging: To find my voice.

In my professional world I can put on a professional face. I can have an air that says, "Yep, I mostly know what I'm doing and what I don't know doesn't necessarily bother me. I have enough grace to grow and learn"It took me a long time (it felt especially long) to get to that place of confidence in my job.

In my personal life I'm all over the place but mostly, I'm a goof ball. An over analytical goof ball. As a mother, I'm starting to get the hang of it, on most days, for right now. But as an artist and as a writer, I feel like I am all over the place. I free write filling journals, often (always)starting a new journal before I've come to the end of the last one. I play with poetry and start stories (but sadly have never finished one). I talk myself in self debilitating circles. I think more about what I would like to create than actually taking the time to create. And now I have a baby. So I wonder, what exactly was I doing with all of my time before?

I think I see a blog as a way to help streamline this process. I am, in a way, forced to write. To finish. To think and to present something. Anything. I must admit that critical voice makes this, and everything for that matter, much more difficult. But I'm hoping it goes the way it did with my profession, one day the critical voice will feel smaller, manageable. One day I'll sit down to write, or create and the old voice will pop up and I will be able to say, "oh hi there, I hear you and thanks, but I'm gonna go ahead and create anyway. I think I've got this handled." I look forward to that blessed day. But I know the only way to get there is to keep writing for better or worse. So here I am. Open to learning and growing. Feeling like a beginner, even though I've done this all my life. Having judgments, and doing it anyway.