It seems that I've taken a bit of a vacation from blogging this month. I've been debating on how much to share, why am I blogging anyway and so forth. Battles with the inner critic. Oh, and I really did go on vacation, except that I returned home feeling like it was one of those vacations you need a vacation from.
The long and the short of it: my family is nuts. And while I really enjoy flair, personality, and general zaniness, my family takes the fun out of dysfunctional. I struggle to make peace with it all, not get too involved and not take it personally.
The truth of the matter is that this time, I did a really good job. I didn't get in the middle of anything. I was able to express my love and support to everyone involved. I upheld clear boundaries and took care of myself. I must be growing up.
Having recognized and said all of that I've been struggling with still feeling unsatisfied. I think now, as I write this it's taken me the last few weeks to figure it out...I'm unsatisfied because...well, my family is still nuts. No matter what I do I can't change that. It's not something I control. I can take care of myself and nurture me and my own little family; keeping us sane and healthy, laughing. But I can't control my bigger family. I can take myself out of the equation in a way that feels healthy for me but it doesn't change them. Doing my hard work for me doesn't give me the healthy extended family I want. And sometimes that's sad and frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying.
What it does do however: it keeps me sane and safe from their craziness, it allows me to create safety and sanity in my new immediate family with my hubby and little boy, and it takes so much less energy. I feel like instead of getting wrapped up in stuff I don't control, in stuff that's not mine, I can see more clearly and grieve what I need to about having an extended family that is not cohesive and doesn't communicate with one another.
And having realized and shared that with you, I am satisfied. And back from hiatus.
Thanks Blogworld, you've done it again.
1 comment:
It is as though you reached into my head and pulled the words out...
Just recently I have been able to relax in their madness, love them for who they are, and take care of myself when I am around them. Funny thing is, as I mastered this, I beagan to grow more and more homesick for them. I suppose that is what unconditional love is. I don't necessarily feel it from them, but I feel it for them.
Glad to see you back in blogland :)
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