a year of parenting

It would make sense if I created a list after that title that ran through all of the changes, challenges and milestones this year. Suffice to say the only one I can remember at the moment is a lack of sleep for me and the hubby which continues to result in weakened brain function. That aside, the sleepiness, headache and achy left breast, the little boy turned one yesterday!

One year old! I was very excited about it yesterday. Me and the mister took the day off from work and took the little one out for a day of excitement and celebration. The little boy treated it like it was any old day, but me and the mister knew better. We played it out with the adorable little one all day long. Which is why I was so surprised when I awoke at three in the morning because the little one was wide awake. I mean sitting up giggling, wide awake. Turns out the little boy decided to tooth his first top tooth (he has his lower two) for his birthday slumber. Curiously, he was joyful. Me and the mister, not so much.

So here I sit, almost 10 in the morning and I feel like it's 5 in the morning. I feel like I've been up partying all night. I was in a much better mood this time yesterday, remembering the journey of labor and the excitement of birth. This morning, yelch. But don't worry, yesterday in all my glee I went through my old journal that I kept a year ago this time. There's lots to share! And I've decided to do NaBloPoMo. Again. This time I'm gonna try real hard not to bomb out.

if I had more time...

I would:

• read, read and read
• take a sculpting class
• take a nap
• cook more
• take a yoga class regularly
• bake more
• take a workshop on knitting and crochet
• write
• go to a writer's group or workshop
• create more every day

No matter how much time I do find, I can always put off:

• cleaning the hall closet
• cleaning out my car
• okay, any kind of cleaning at all that's more involved than straightening up
• balancing the checkbook

Wow, these lists weren't as long or horribly defeating as I thought they would be. Actually, in thinking about and writing them I feel really lucky and grateful that I don't have any major activities that I dread doing...I had a job once that was that way. So much of my day is filled with necessity and care taking. It's joyful and time consuming.

I've been struggling with balance lately. Balancing everything...work and home are the two biggies. I am working more at work than I care to. I really struggled this last week to balance my emotions and balance sleep and wakefulness. In other words, I wasn't sleeping well, even though for a change everyone else in my house was. My lack of sleep started to add up and I started to struggle with my emotions being ramped up as a result. I'm learning how important regular and good sleep is to me. Thankfully, I have had two good nights of it. I'm doing everything I can to ensure it continues.

I've noticed also, I've been hiding from the blogworld lately. Part of it is time, time, time. The other is my emotions running high. The last thing I want to do is write something publicly, even if it is anonymous. I teeter on the edge of how much to share here. (again, even though I've kept anonymity) I suppose that I have some fears about sharing. And since I'm in list mode, why not another list?

I'm afraid if I got more in depth about my life, feelings and thoughts here:

• people would judge me harshly
• I would be misunderstood and more harsh judging would ensue
• I'm coming up short here...maybe a list wasn't the best medium.

Wow, the magic power of lists! I look at those two bullets and I think, "Really? That's not so bad" I know people will judge wherever I go and what ever I do. It's not something I control. I'm surprised at that keeping me from doing something I would like to do. It's still scary sometimes. But it's a lot easier to manage and look at when it's just two itsy-bitsy bullet points.

One other thing that I think will be helpful for me: I will no longer compare myself to others. (okay, I'm gonna really try to do it less. It's not helpful for me in my process either.)

this weekend

• home made sloppy joes
• pumpkin carving
• painting our dining room chairs
• laundry, laundry and laundry
• dinner in front of the t.v.
• perfect weather

sigh

still here blogworld - with nothing witty, or humorous. no rants, no raves. just here. I am well, healthy, grateful and boring.

also, I would really like a blog make over. maybe that would give me the umf I need to say something interesting.

Yesterday, I visited hubby's work after having lunch with the boy and a friend. We went to see his new office and show off our little one to all of his co-workers. Half way through our visit I caught a glimpse of myself in a window reflection; no make up, a ratty tee-shirt, I was covered in avocado from the little boy, green splotches all over. When I was younger, I swore I would never be what I saw in that reflection. I thought, "I will always dress up to see my man". Ha. Even further, it doesn't even bother me that I don't care. It's like I get it now, and I didn't then. I have much more important things to think about.

Somehow that story seemed fitting...just feeling a little lack luster... I guess part of me would still like to look fabulous and glamorous while being super mom.

happy october

I love October. I love Fall. I especially love Halloween. It's a time for honoring Autumn and darkness. A celebration of the things that seem too scary to look at or claim. Our fears motivate us. Often times, I struggle to even acknowledge or speak about that which scares me. Inevitably, once I do speak up I get support, I learn, I become empowered and that which was scary loses power. The unknown holds all kinds of possibility. It can be scary and exciting. Fall seems to encompass these two things for me as we face the darkness of Winter. The crisp in the air encourages me to embrace that which is unknown - stake my claim, dig deep and open to the outcomes.