if I had more time...

I would:

• read, read and read
• take a sculpting class
• take a nap
• cook more
• take a yoga class regularly
• bake more
• take a workshop on knitting and crochet
• write
• go to a writer's group or workshop
• create more every day

No matter how much time I do find, I can always put off:

• cleaning the hall closet
• cleaning out my car
• okay, any kind of cleaning at all that's more involved than straightening up
• balancing the checkbook

Wow, these lists weren't as long or horribly defeating as I thought they would be. Actually, in thinking about and writing them I feel really lucky and grateful that I don't have any major activities that I dread doing...I had a job once that was that way. So much of my day is filled with necessity and care taking. It's joyful and time consuming.

I've been struggling with balance lately. Balancing everything...work and home are the two biggies. I am working more at work than I care to. I really struggled this last week to balance my emotions and balance sleep and wakefulness. In other words, I wasn't sleeping well, even though for a change everyone else in my house was. My lack of sleep started to add up and I started to struggle with my emotions being ramped up as a result. I'm learning how important regular and good sleep is to me. Thankfully, I have had two good nights of it. I'm doing everything I can to ensure it continues.

I've noticed also, I've been hiding from the blogworld lately. Part of it is time, time, time. The other is my emotions running high. The last thing I want to do is write something publicly, even if it is anonymous. I teeter on the edge of how much to share here. (again, even though I've kept anonymity) I suppose that I have some fears about sharing. And since I'm in list mode, why not another list?

I'm afraid if I got more in depth about my life, feelings and thoughts here:

• people would judge me harshly
• I would be misunderstood and more harsh judging would ensue
• I'm coming up short here...maybe a list wasn't the best medium.

Wow, the magic power of lists! I look at those two bullets and I think, "Really? That's not so bad" I know people will judge wherever I go and what ever I do. It's not something I control. I'm surprised at that keeping me from doing something I would like to do. It's still scary sometimes. But it's a lot easier to manage and look at when it's just two itsy-bitsy bullet points.

One other thing that I think will be helpful for me: I will no longer compare myself to others. (okay, I'm gonna really try to do it less. It's not helpful for me in my process either.)