confessions of a quitter

Okay, so I haven't been painting this week. I haven't posted either...because I knew that I would have to fess up. It's just been too much. We had new carpet put in three rooms. We tore the old carpet out ourselves. And some serious demolition needed to happen in the basement before it got carpet. I've been working through my typical painting times. And now that it's all over all I want to do is ... well, nothing. So here are some pictures of my little experiment...

mama's broken heart

I'm sure I've had the feeling before; whenever the little boy is in pain. But the other day at the library I had the most visceral experience of it. And I don't care to have it again. Ever.

The little boy was playing outside of a playhouse. Peaking in on other children, his own game of peek-a-boo. Only, the other children didn't like it. They were older and my little boy was interrupting their play. Go Away. One of the older boys stated. And then my little boy fell onto his bottom. And cried. Maybe my boy was pushed, either way my heart was broken. Not for the pushing or hurt bottom...no, no. My boy has and will continue to do his fair share of shoving. But for the rejection. Gasp. I had a glimpse into a fact that we all face. And I do not want to face it for my little love. We all get rejected. My little boy was over it in a matter of seconds. I however am still dealing with the fact that part of my job will be to witness his rejections and heartache. I just don't want it to happen. Ever. Bumps, bruises - they are part of life. Broken hearts, I know they are too. It's just incomprehensible because I am his momma. Who would ever want to reject my sweet, beautiful little boy?

Okay, enough gushing. I'm almost over it for now.

On a positive note, I recently spoke with my dear and talented artist friend. I got a little pep talk on the paintings. Hence my tenacity. Yes, I'm still painting. And the good news is that it's gotten better. Maybe even the paintings too - maybe not. But my feelings about the process have improved. Feelings in the art world, it turns out are no different from the rest of life...they pass and move on. So I'm happy to say that through the uncomfortable feelings, the ones that create the chatter and demons that tell me I should just quit, I kept going. I kept painting. I'm on my way to making friends with those pests. They didn't stop me this time!

a good whine

I'm incredibly frustrated with this whole painting thing. I think I am just over a week on the ordeal and I'm over it! I am not sure why it is I decided to do this. Thank goodness yesterday was a better painting day or I might not have made it in there today. Yeesh! I'm feeling pretty hopeless with it all. When I think about the "artist life" I think about peaches and roses and all sorts of sweetness. My mind conveniently edits out all of the intricacies and possible struggles.

What's it for? What's it for? That's what I ask in my mind over and over again as I paint. Even though I said what it's for when I started this whole experiment. "If you hate it this much" my demons say, "why don't you just quit?" I'm doing some serious mental battles here. I've written right on my studio wall "There is no such thing as failure only giving up" You'd think my demons would get the message but they press on.

And then there's the actual paintings...I'm sure the good days and bad days are obvious in the paintings themselves. Although I've not looked at them as a whole, from memory I've noticed some themes: the female form, pregnancy, bugs, nature, trees, fruits, squiggles and circles. There is a childishness to some if not most of the paintings. The content all seems a bit strange - but whatever. My job isn't to decipher or psychoanalyze what they are; my job is to simply show up every day whether I like it or not and get something down on paper with paint. So that's what I'll keep doing. Even though right now I'm looking very much forward to the end.

P.S. I've finally found my cord to the camera so I promise pictures will come soon!

today

Day one of the painting extravaganza down! I'm feeling excited about it. I wrote the last post in a bustle of inspiration. A mad dash before nap time ended. Today's painting was done during the same time and in the same spirit. A "hurry and just get it in or you never will" sort of fashion. I'm grateful for the imposed deadlines of nap time. It forces me to leap - or not. There is no in between. And I'm feeling like that's what it's all about. Either I jump or I don't. I work at asking myself lovingly, "Am I moving in the directions of my dreams? Am I moving towards the me I want?" I'm starting to think they don't have to be big moves either. It doesn't have to be dramatic. But it does need to be earnest and heartfelt. An inch is perfect as long as your whole being is in that inch. I guess that's where I'm at...learning how to really inhabit my life. All of my life. Inch by inch. So that my heart is in every inch. The little, the yucky, the tired, the small, the insignificant, the ordinary, the joyful.

the next 30

During nap time, which has been hustle, do chores and cultivate inspiration I was battling my fears. I have a beautiful (well potentially beautiful) studio space now. My fears are of failure. Of doing nothing. My fear of failure is that I will not create anything and if I do it won't be finished. In doing battle I realized 2 things: I need goals and deadlines and I need accountability. So here I am. Nap time is almost over and I'm leaping. Starting tomorrow I will do one painting a day for 30 days. They don't have to be good. They just have to be done. You are my accountability. Also I'll be calling some best friends. Hold me to it. 30 days, 30 paintings!

this month

In the last 30 days I have:

• relocated our home
• unpacked (mostly)
• cleaned, scrubbed, rearranged, repeat
• knocked down 3 walls
• helped move a safe - yes a safe! it came with the house
• pulled more weeds than I have in my entire life
• moved some rocks
• purchased a king sized bed - woo hoo!
• been to the farmer's market
• had company for a weekend
• had more company for a week
• grocery shopping, grocery shopping, grocery shopping
• started setting up my studio!
• painted
• spent lots of time at the library
• and park

Wow, put in a list it seems less impressive. All of the company has come and gone. Me and the mister will continue settling into our new home, the way only we do; by rearranging, remodeling and ripping things out. Next up carpeting!

company

I've not disappeared. We have company, in from out of town. Our pets, it turns out also have company. The uninvited type...ticks. Yuck! Our company, on the other hand, is fabulous. Warm and kind. Funny and vibrant. And forgiving...the little boy won't stop pushing and hitting their little girl. sigh. More later.