new beginnings with more clarity

First, I want to give a big hello and thank you to all of my readers! Hello! Thank you for reading! Yes, you! I know you are out there! Go on and give your self a big hug! Because that's what I would do if I were able!

I've been at this blog off and on now for almost two years! I started this blog 4 months after my little one was born. I wasn't quite sure why I started this blog - or if I did know, I wasn't able to admit it to myself, but the reason has made itself clear to me now...connection! (I mean sure there are other reasons too - it forces me to write for an audience and that pushes me to gain more clarity in my thoughts). But mainly I think, I started this blog because my new undertaking of motherhood was lonesome! Much more so than I had anticipated. Scary lonesome sometimes. Depression lonesome sometimes.

I had (and still have) great friends and help and a wonderfully supportive mate - but still I needed something else. Something to validate me and my path. I was a long time lurker of other blogs and it looked like fun.

So sheepishly, I admit that blogging started as a way of reaching out but felt more like a high school popularity contest - yuck! This was of course, all my own making. I was measuring the "success" of my blog by how many readers or comments I had. (what makes a blog a "success" anyhow?) This of course, especially in the beginnings of a blog did not help me to feel more confident or any less lonesome!

Where am I going with all of this? Well, after being in our new home and a new town for 6 months, after watching some of my uncertainties and fears settle back down to the bottom - I am looking around, taking inventory and looking at my blog; I'm seeing what I've been after here and everywhere else is connection. A sense of belonging. And ironically one of the ways I receive this is through affirmation.

So, thank you. And I guess it's also about continuing to learn to trust the process, my process. Learning to trust that the universe provides. That it really is okay. Learning to trust that you, dear reader are out there. Even if I don't know you are. Here I am reaching out anyway. Because that is who I am. And this is who I want to be. And I would love to know that you are there but I don't feel compelled to know - I don't have to know. I trust that I am enough just as I am. Right here. Right now. And so are you!