my word

Clarity.

It's taken some time to arrive at this point... but I'm here. I've been holding my word of the year for a few weeks now - just to make sure it is indeed my word. (I had a few that I held for a day and weren't jiving, but I've got it now!) And what I'm seeking this year is clarity.
Clarity in vision. Clarity in purpose. It is the space of calm before beginning. It is having an intention and then having the courage to move forward. It is having the integrity of saying "yes" to only what is important and following things through to their completion.

In the past, I've jumped towards a goal or destination just to avoid the stillness of not knowing. I'm a chronic starter and not finisher. But this year, I'm committed to listen to the whispers of my quiet heart and give her what she wants. Sometimes this means being very quiet and patient - and I'm committed to that. It also means learning to trust; the moment will present itself when all is ready.

In the mean time I'm going to keep present and keep creating and trust that all will unfold in it's time.

on community

Don't do it alone. Really.
You don't have to.
There are others out there;
others who are curious about the kinds of things you are,
others who have the same types of struggles you do.

And we're waiting for you.
It might not look like it right now.
Maybe we're waiting for you to find us.
Or maybe we are waiting for you to put out the call of commonality
and draw us all in together
showing us that we are more alike then we are different.
Maybe we are simply just waiting for you to reach out and begin.

you are here...or rather, I am here

January Moon
(a picture completely unrelated to the following post but included anyway for your viewing enjoyment)
This is the gorgeous view we had just a few evenings ago.

Oh my goodness! It's freaking February already! What happened to January? What happened to 2009?

I know I've been quiet around here lately. I feel like I'm in the depth of great gestation. It's like when your fumbling around in the dark waiting to catch your bearings and grasp your location. Right before the picture becomes clear. That silence and waiting. That trusting that soon you'll figure it out. That's where I've been. Only, I'm learning that finding out my location requires some movement. Some action. In short, some fumbling. So here I am. Fumbling.

I guess, at the heart of it what I'm experiencing is the action of patience and receptivity. I always thought that patience and being receptive were non-action. You know, you're not really doing anything. Yeah, I'm learning different. Saying that is like saying that being pregnant is not doing anything. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Being patient and receptive means paying close attention. Attention to what's going on around me and listening to what is happening in my inner world as well. It is a commitment to really show up and be aware. It is a commitment to do those things and to honor what comes. It is trusting the process. It is risking comfort to listen to the inner stuff of my self. Listening so that I may find some sort of stillness. And in encountering that stillness finding myself, my bearings, my location.

I say all of these things and, of course, realize that what I'm really seeking is an answer. An answer or the answer. I'm looking forward to the next move. That's what I'm itching for. The promise of more action. Of moving forward. On to what's next. Some external sign of progress. Something to hang on my fridge, show my friends or even better, something to cash in at the bank. But before moving on to whatever it is that is next for me, I suppose I'm learning to listen and trust first. Isn't that the only way to proceed forward? Isn't that really the only way to be?

I am so very blessed. My family is healthy. We have a beautiful home and food to eat. I get to stay home with my little boy. And somehow I can get to feeling that what I'm doing isn't enough. I want to rush around to do more. Because honestly, just being here can feel uncomfortable. I'm learning instead to gather up the stuff of my thoughts and my heart and not run into the first direction it sends me; but to sit and trust and be.

sheepish

Here I am. I've not disappeared. Though many colds have run their course through our house. And so 2010 has started with lots of snot and coughs, sneezing and already a fair share of sleepless nights. Despite this, I am feeling excited. Sometimes overwhelmed and usually very scattered.

I've almost given up on my 2010 resolution of organization! It turns out I don't procrastinate when it comes to throwing in the towel. I know, I know - it may sound dire. I have faith that the weather will turn for warm and inspiration to go through every cabinet and closet we have will find me again. Until then, the bug to find my word of the year has not left me. Though the perfect word I have not found. I've been playing with a few things... I'll be sure to let you know what I land on.

In the mean time I'm enjoying writing in my journal, creating and dreaming of what to create next. I suppose I've been working on getting really clear about what I'm after this year. And also, I sent my official entry form in for the 2010 Contemporary Clay Show! (keeping my fingers crossed)

Well, ending on a random note...that's all for now! Hope your 2010 is off to a super start!

more extraordinary

• caring family and friends
• a little extra sunlight each day
• a mother-in-law who rubs knots out of my back
• the perfect gift from hubby (this and this)
• this one made me cry - he loaded all of my songs on it for me- four days worth of music!
• a little boy that cuddles and says "I love you too Mommy"
• two doves nestled outside in our blue spruce just outside our window
• a vibrant fire
• a date with my love - dinner and bowling
• a big, beautiful house that does not feel cramped with Christmas and guests
• a new year

a whirlwind

• holidays
• getting ready for family to come visit
• my first show! up and running! woo-hoo!
  
• cleaning the house
• cleaning the house some more
• thinking about making ginger bread from scratch
• working to stay present and calm amidst a sick but recovering little boy, who has not been sleeping well
• working to stay calm and present and grateful amidst the hubby's health concerns
• finding little ways to remember love for myself and my family
• painting, dry wall - more painting
• more love
  

more signs of the season

Extra Ordinary

I love word play. Things like disease being dis - ease.

And the word universe. Uni meaning one and verse as in song. Universe = one song.

Or how about the word compassion. Ever notice: compassion. Yep, the word compass tucked neatly into compassion. Let compassion be your guide. Compassion, it has it's own built in compass.

Here's another one: extraordinary. Extraordinary. Extra Ordinary. It has been true in my life, and is the spirit of this blog; what feels the most extraordinary is really a beautiful, complete moment tucked into the most ordinary, the most mundane - the extra ordinary.

So let's celebrate the extra ordinary!

• a perfect cup of tea in my favorite mug
• warm fuzzy socks
• lists
• noodles
• Christmas trees
• snuggling up to watch a movie by the fire

How about you? What are your extra ordinaries right now?

signs of the season

I've been hiding out as of late. Enjoying time away from the computer. Cooking, baking, cleaning, listening to the radio. Settling back in. Our trip to our old home town seemed jarring. It has taken me a while to settle back into a routine and sense of home. Changing seasons, weather, the upcoming holidays and everything that goes with it, as well as everyone in our house but me getting sick has made it more difficult to find that sense of center.

But this morning, wonderful of wonderful, a blanket of white and still falling snow! Nothing feels like cozy warm home like fresh snow outside!

home again

I've been finding that when I try to put down full coherent thoughts lately I've been rambling...then I get lost, so I ramble some more in an attempt to find out where I was going. This little pattern has lead to lots of unfinished (but long) posts. So in an effort to finish (oh, I struggle with this everywhere. all the never completed...what mom doesn't? that's another post in and of itself...see! the rambling!) oh, yes, finish! I will be attempting a little different format. Something akin to my beloved lists!

Home
Returning to our new home after a road trip to our old home town.
Seeing our old home and town with distance, new eyes and fresh perspective. I'm left appreciating our new place in the world. The quaint of a small town. The beauty that surrounds our new home. A home that fits us perfectly (including room to grow). Our big family bed!

The new home and the dreams that go with it: move kitchen, change flooring, put in another bedroom, contemplate having more children, garden, garden, garden.

I'm left from our trip also thinking about the concept of home. The home of my childhood and places I have called home as I have grown into adulthood. What makes a home? What is important to me that I cultivate in our home for my family?

I'm also thinking about how I return to homes from my past with sporadic regularity. Returning to homes from my past always gives me perspective; remembering where I was then, the realization of where I am now. There is joy for the journey and longing for what was all bundled in that instant of seeing an old shell that I once occupied. What makes a home for you?

And also...
In an effort to celebrate what I have completed I will be paying tribute here.

Taking my sewing machine in to have it cleaned for the first time ever! It was a hand-me-down from my mother and I remember I was 11 when she got it. That means its 18 years old! Needless to say the machine is super grateful and now sews like a dream!

I was able to finish this apron that I started sewing 3 years ago...I have many more in the works and am hoping they will not take nearly as long to complete.

random thoughts from the week

I've been busy writing posts in my head all week...unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) none of them have survived in memory long enough to transcribe them. So instead, here are snippets of thoughts from the week.

• The winter sun draws out the darkness and exaggerates it. The shadows are longer , reaching and spreading to new places. The nights stretch out and create long dark quiet.

• A finished sculpture:

She finally did the only thing there was left to do, she spoke the truth that was in her heart.

• Feeling grateful: that I've never had to use my home insurance, for my family and our health, for dear friends, for a big soft cozy warm bed, and the loved ones who share it with me, the little boy who talks in his sleep and the snoring husband.

• Moving through all of the mixed feelings as the little boy continues to completely ween from momma milk...sigh. Sad about it as I write this. Grateful at the prospect at 3am when he's nursing himself back into slumber.

• Looking forward to road trip, visiting family and our old home town. So I'll be away for a week.

I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!

monday morning

Is it quite possible to have it all, she wondered.

Then she tossed and turned, rearranged, flopped, straightened her stockings and decided maybe, just maybe she could jump high enough to fly.
and for a brief moment she felt her feet come off the ground.

p.s. notice the latest Artful Blogger by Somerset Studio in the photo- it is full of comfort and inspiration! Also tucked into this photo, my favorite (and first) handmade apron, which I now cannot wear because every time I do my little boy demands that he wear it (which is adorable)- even though I've made him his own apron (he must sense that wearing mine is extra cute).

a quick something brighter

Hi all! Whew...I needed to brighten things up around here a bit. That gray was bringing me down. Yellow it is! And one day, I promise I will figure out how to get things so that my blog will look just as I want it! Meaning the title photo will fit just so on the page.

On a different and completely random note: having my two year old boy means getting to enjoy my morning coffee outside despite the season or temperature. The kid loves snow!


Hope everyone is having a splendid weekend!

a passing thought ...

The house feels terribly disorganized

and I begin again to put off my happiness...
I should... I should... I should....
Maybe if....
It would be better if....
I'll be really happy when...
and on
and on.
How many times a day do I get stuck in this thinking?
All the while ignoring, ungrateful what the present moment continues to offer (despite my constant wandering dissatisfaction):
my little boy discovering the world that exist beneath tables and chairs, the winds blowing the last of the stubborn leaves from the trees, bringing cooler weather and the promise of snow. The promise of another perfect moment.

honesty

Here's me just being honest: I'm afraid to really put myself out there. And I guess with good reason - out there can't be taken back. Out there may last forever. Or until I erase what I've shared. Out there is scary and might illicit the criticism of others. I'd love to share but I also want to make everyone happy. See my predicament? You can't make everyone happy. Really all I control is my own happiness.

Here is what I like: people who move with authority, people who aren't afraid to look like they know where they are going (like my son, he's only two and is a natural at this. In fact he is a master! He is 100% where ever he is - when he's thinking, he's thinking, when he's playing, he's playing. He doesn't do anything half way. He isn't busy in his little brain trying to conjure up a healthy dinner for tonight while trying to wriggle the pillow out of its case. He is there 100% smashing and throwing that pillow with all of his mental and physical might, shaking it loose.

I am afraid the plight out of childhood may be lessons of learning where we are not safe in this world. And my work as an adult is learning to re-create safety in my world for myself and those I love.

new beginnings with more clarity

First, I want to give a big hello and thank you to all of my readers! Hello! Thank you for reading! Yes, you! I know you are out there! Go on and give your self a big hug! Because that's what I would do if I were able!

I've been at this blog off and on now for almost two years! I started this blog 4 months after my little one was born. I wasn't quite sure why I started this blog - or if I did know, I wasn't able to admit it to myself, but the reason has made itself clear to me now...connection! (I mean sure there are other reasons too - it forces me to write for an audience and that pushes me to gain more clarity in my thoughts). But mainly I think, I started this blog because my new undertaking of motherhood was lonesome! Much more so than I had anticipated. Scary lonesome sometimes. Depression lonesome sometimes.

I had (and still have) great friends and help and a wonderfully supportive mate - but still I needed something else. Something to validate me and my path. I was a long time lurker of other blogs and it looked like fun.

So sheepishly, I admit that blogging started as a way of reaching out but felt more like a high school popularity contest - yuck! This was of course, all my own making. I was measuring the "success" of my blog by how many readers or comments I had. (what makes a blog a "success" anyhow?) This of course, especially in the beginnings of a blog did not help me to feel more confident or any less lonesome!

Where am I going with all of this? Well, after being in our new home and a new town for 6 months, after watching some of my uncertainties and fears settle back down to the bottom - I am looking around, taking inventory and looking at my blog; I'm seeing what I've been after here and everywhere else is connection. A sense of belonging. And ironically one of the ways I receive this is through affirmation.

So, thank you. And I guess it's also about continuing to learn to trust the process, my process. Learning to trust that the universe provides. That it really is okay. Learning to trust that you, dear reader are out there. Even if I don't know you are. Here I am reaching out anyway. Because that is who I am. And this is who I want to be. And I would love to know that you are there but I don't feel compelled to know - I don't have to know. I trust that I am enough just as I am. Right here. Right now. And so are you!

a wednesday

"Is it possible," she says, "to believe that you are not drowning at all, that this sea is an ocean of love, waiting to envelope you in all the ordinary things that will set your heart free?" The Queen of Hearts - Lewis Carol

Yep. Needed to hold on to this one today. A mixture of surprise, struggle and triumph. Received some extra money, (woo-hoo!) Plumbing backed up, spent said money.

Also, my moods seem to change with the winds. I start with great intentions but feel blown away -or soggy from an overflowing toilet. And my general outlook goes where the water should have - down the drain. I continue to practice being kind to myself. Oh, yeah - and those around me too. But darn it when I'm crabby it is not an easy task. So, in celebration of triumph over the crabbiness and our plumbing woes a gratitude list!

I'm grateful:
-I get to take a shower tomorrow morning in my own shower
-my little boy has fallen into a gentle bedtime routine that is enjoyable for everyone
-for my own studio space
-and cute new shoes
-support
-and community
-a husband who continues to try and cheer me up
- and finally, my big beautiful grown up bed! (and the promise of a new day)

rose hips

Have I written yet about our fabulous new (to us) old house? Have I said here, that I'm sure the universe was listening to me and hubby's bedtime conversations as we dreamed about what our next house would be? The universe even gave me well established gardens(and badly in need of tending).

Here we are 5 months now in a new town. Settling in. And I have inherited from our new home the most fabulous of roses, everywhere. Roses as big as grapefruits in the Summer. Roses that are so red they glow. And roses that bloom right up to the first snow. And...they are still alive - 5 months in to my being their new caretaker. So, I've been collecting rose hips. And I've made some sort of rose hip concoction. I basically boiled the hips until they were soft and saved the liquid. Now what? I'll let you know how the experimenting goes.

troubles in potty training

More struggles in toddler world. Potty training. Uhg! He was doing so well! That is, until the concept of pooping in the potty was introduced. Here's what has happened since then and how we have digressed:

8AM
Little Boy running around with no diaper on.
Mom trying to encourage, coax and bribe little boy on to potty. He clearly has to go. And little boy, going on the potty is so much fun!
Little boy refuses to go into bathroom.

8:05
Mom against her better judgment grabs potty from bathroom and brings into kitchen where little boy is.
Little Boy still running around with no diaper looking somewhat interested but still refusing to sit on potty. Still clearly has to go.

8:07
Little boy: clearly pushing
Mom: giving up on the potty tries with all of her might to encourage little boy off of carpeted area and onto linoleum.
Little boy poops on carpet.
Mom picks up poop with wipes, goes to bathroom flushes said mess, moves potty back into bathroom where it belongs.
Little boy continues running around with no diaper.

8:09
Little boy excited: pee pee on potty!
Mom excited: let's go pee pee on the potty!
Little Boy: No, floor. Pointing to where the potty just was in the kitchen.
Mom tries to explain the potty belongs in the bathroom while trying to convince little boy into bathroom.
Little Boy begins whining. Quickly turns to screaming. Screaming becomes full fledged tantrum.
Mom carries little boy into bathroom to show him where the potty went.
Little boy is still very upset. Will not sit on potty. Any attempts to push this by Mom are met with more enraged screaming.
Mom decides it is time for a diaper. This is met with more upset from Little Boy. Mom diapers little boy anyway.

8:15
Little boy is diapered playing with blocks, content.

I wish I could say that this was the first occurrence of this in our household. The truth is I have cleaned poop off my floor the last 4 days in a row. That doesn't bother me so much as the tantrums. And worse, I'm not sure what to do. I think the Little Boy is just more comfortable pooping while standing. What's a mom to do?

I can say however, I have learned some things. He responds better when I don't change things (moving the potty is a BIG mistake). And he also seems to calm more quickly when I make command parent decisions and quickly. Ex. Despite his upset diapering him.

Sigh. This too shall pass...

an ode to lists

I love lists. I literally have lists of lists. They can hold random things and still seem organized. They signify a process. They say "Yes, I have it together. I know what I'm doing. Look I have a list." You can't doubt someone with a list.

So when trying to compensate for my feelings of doubt, uncertainty, and general insecurity I create a list. Needless to say, I have hundreds of lists. I even have a book of lists. My favorite kind of list is "the dream list". It's kind of a Mondo Beyondo. A list in which I write all and any dreams, fantasies and fabulous (even and especially outrageous) things I'd like to do. I have two kinds of dream lists; I like to do one at the beginning of every year, I also like to keep one for my entire life.

Dream lists are fun and magical. They encourage me to dream BIG. They also provide a record. In looking back, I can see tangibly the dreams that I have accomplished.

who knew? maybe I really do know what I'm doing!
and
holy cow! the universe really is a magical place that is conspiring on my behalf!

Looking back on my dream lists also allows me to see what I have accomplished and how I have grown and changed. Accomplishing one goal, that I initially might have thought of as a BIG dream (getting a Master's degree) naturally creates momentum for my further adventures (think PhD). I can also see how I outgrow some items. Ex. be part of a Criss Angel trick (I haven't crossed that one off yet but at some point I might)

So in ode to lists here is one of mine!
list taken from above photo

1. establish a wonderful and beautiful garden
2. garden sculptures
3. go on a retreat - something creative and spiritually inclined
4. take a writing class
5. paint a silk scarf
6. mail super wonderful packages and letters to friends - just for the fun of it!
7. have dedicated time for creative endeavors; art and writing
8. create garden and lawn sculptures
9. find and participate in a group or organization that is specifically to foster spirit
10. be able to do a headstand without assistance of a wall
11. get published
12. make money with my writing
13. make money with my art work


What are some items on your list of things to do while you're here?