unhappy baby

A sick little fuss-pot of a boy. An experiment in patience and sleep deprivation. When I dreamed of parenthood I imagined myself much more saint like in these situations and in my head the common cold didn't last this long. Also I had the power to cure coughing with sheer momma love. Apparently, I haven't quite developed those powers yet. As I wait for them to develop I have been mindful of self talk. Replacing thoughts like "I can't do this" and "I didn't sign up for this" with things like "this won't last forever" and "some day I'll really miss this" or "whatever you need to do little boy (cry between coughs for hours on end in the wee of the night and then refuse to go back to sleep), momma loves you" "I'm here".
I've also been telling myself that this is not a form of psychological warfare but it is a test of endurance, strength and love. Thankfully, hubby and I are still on the same team - we haven't turned on each other yet...hopefully, we can outlast the common cold.

bright new day

What a gorgeous day outside! A grey soggy day yesterday gives way to bright greens and soft earth. The lilacs are all in bloom. Heavenly scents in the air.

The little boy is recovering from a cold. He sounds worse, lots of coughing but I think he's on the up and up. Yesterday was rough. The night before he barfed in our bed - twice. We only have two pairs of sheets right now. Of course after changing from the first barf into our clean sheets, he barfed again. I spent the night before last sleeping with him in our recliner. Last night's sleep was one of those where bombs could have gone off and not waken me up. It is amazing how much a change in weather and a good nights rest changes my outlook.

cherry tree

I stand under this tree and listen to a life force beyond words. A secret part of myself has been waiting for this all year. This incredible thing that only lasts a handful of days each year. Bees, bees bustling buzzing working bees. For a few hours every morning this tree full of beautiful blossoms becomes a buzzing life force. I love to stand below the blossoms and just listen. The buzz is so subtle yet once you've heard it and really taken it in - it cannot be forgotten or described. The sound of hundreds of little workers all in one tree, just inches above my ears. It is just incredible. Then as the days pass slowly the petals begin to fall and its a different sort of magic. Beautiful petals floating in the air around me as I head out into my day. Flowering trees. An unexpected blessing of beauty and life that returns every year.

In a few more weeks we will have cherry pie!

transparency

It has been some time since I've been around here. I have been having an identity crisis, as a blogger. And it has been paralyzing. Hence, the lack of posts around here lately. It's been going on for sometime now. Since I started blogging. I even think maybe before then...I spent lots of time thinking about how I wanted to present myself out there in the world wide web. I have yet to come up with anything solid that my inner critic hasn't gaffed at. It's been especially bad that last week of April. I started a few entries but everything sounded whiny. I hate it when I sound pathetic and writing that sounds even worse. But alas, the only way out is through and for me that means spoiling it all and coming clean. Owning up and telling you about it.

So, here's how I struggle - or rather how I would like to present myself. I would like to be seen as someone who mostly has it all together, but at the same time is interesting, funny but not disrespectful, creative, moving forward, accomplished (not quite sure what that would look like), open and exciting. The funny part is that I am all of those things - I suppose I have a lot of self judgement about what and how I write. It needs to sound "good" (again, what does that mean exactly?) From here on out I am giving myself permission to no longer worry about this. I am going to have faith that it will all come out in the wash. I don't control how others see me. And trying makes me a little crazy and takes a lot of time but doesn't accomplish much.

It's curious struggling with identity - with how I want others to perceive me. It happens in real life too - In real life it shows up as a wardrobe crisis, in which nothing I own seems to express the way I want to be presented. I can find fault with any and all of my outfits - and so I must try them all on. The especially curious thing about a blogger identity crisis: I am completely anonymous. The www doesn't know me from Eve. In one way that could be very liberating but for me mostly it's resulted in a writer's paralysis in which nothing I say sounds right. And I wonder about what I need to say and how I need to say it. Then I forgot entirely what I started blogging for. I'm starting to think, in part it was to figure some of this stuff out.

I don't think I'm going to start airing all my dirty laundry out here on the net but I do think I will share more and worry less about how it's received. I appreciate readers and by trying to sound a certain way, I'm really robbing you of a more authentic me - and therefore robbing myself of real feedback from you. It's refreshing to see others' flaws and imperfections. I feel less alone and I can learn more about how to walk with my imperfections with grace. So here I go and maybe in the end they'll say, "no one could slip and fall quite as beautifully as she could".

home again, home again

In preparing to go out of town, I always do my best to get everything in order and cleaned up at home. I thought that's what I spent all day Friday doing...what happened? I don't think I've ever done so much laundry in my life! My house is a wreck!

It was a much needed break from the norm. It was wonderful to spend time with family. There were so many loving people around who were dying to hold the little one. For the first time in weeks, maybe months I ate a meal with the use of both of my hands! Now, it's back to the grind.

in transition

I haven't been spending as much time around here as usual. Our little family has been making some changes and I've been keeping busy. The mister started his new job - but ended up keeping his old one too, for a little while anyway. So needless to say, I haven't seen much of him around here and I sure do miss that man of mine!

In his absence, I've been preparing for this weekend - we have a little family road trip to the Western Slope. I don't think I've been preparing very well however. None of the laundry has been put away and the house is in it's usual state of disarray. What have I been up to?

Visited with a friend and had a dinner and movie night. Visited with this fabulous woman, friend and local artist Oh, I did remove a tree stump in my backyard on Tuesday - that sounds productive anyway. And I completed a new sculpture, it just needs to be fired. I picked up some paint for our kitchen but haven't gotten around to actually painting. I'm pretty sure I ran into an ex-boyfriend while I was at the store but we both just kept walking.

Sigh. I wish I was a little more brave and then could have said hi to confirm that it was indeed him. In his defense, I didn't have glasses or a baby since the last time I saw him - I'm not sure I'd recognize me. We didn't end on a bad note - maybe a sad one. Which is probably why I wanted to see how he was - if it was him. Oh well. I did promise myself that I will now make a prompt and friendly strike when seeing people I know instead of being shy and awkward - I'm gonna try outgoing and awkward. Subsequently, I've already honked and waved at a woman on the street that I didn't know. Sheesh. Sometimes, I just can't win.

Alright, so I've put off the inevitable long enough. There is laundry to be put away, clothes to pack, a pooch to drop off and a nice little get away to take. I'm hoping to take lots of pictures.

Signing off til next week! Have a great weekend blog world!

more mornings

We drift in and out of slumber for an hour, me and my little one. The whole bed to ourselves. The mister has started his new job and the house still feels empty without him in the mornings. The boy rubs his eyes and stretches his arms as wide as he can. He looks to one side and then back to me and smiles. Ah, had I never known anything of goodness, surely this is it. His eyes slowly close as he drifts back to sleep. I hope for another half hour but know I'll only get fifteen. I wake minutes later to find that he's managed to kick the covers off of him and has found his feet. He's aiming for his mouth but hasn't quite made it yet. He nurses some and drifts back off. We do this for the better part of an hour before getting out of bed.

The house is quiet and outside the temperature is noticeably cooler than yesterday. Today we continue in our new schedule and I will leave the boy to go to work. He will be in the good and loving hands of a very dear friend. We are so blessed to not have to put him in daycare. Today used to be the mister's day with the boy. I know that has been one of the most difficult things for my hubby in this transition. The boy is especially joyful in the mornings. (I'm still wondering how me and the mister created a morning person.)

However, he seems less patient this morning. His usual joys seem to not be holding his attention as long. He is quicker to vocalize his dismay. I think it is his teeth and our new schedule. He goes down earlier than usual for his morning nap. His dreams bring beautiful little smiles to his face and chuckles. I'm completely smitten.