High highs and low lows. This is parenting. Or at least, this is parenting for me...so far. I am completely in love and full; at home with the mess and wiping boogers. Then I slowly start to pick at the fray and it all comes undone. It begins with an innocent question or comparison. Before I know it I feel like a mess. I question every decision, every step and it all feels insignificant. Somehow I talk myself into a place where everything I do isn't enough. It gets scary. I don't know how I resurface. I'm only glad that I do. I'm grateful too that I seem to find peace again quickly. And in the mean time while I wait me and the little boy go for very long walks. I'm the one with a distant look on her face. Not really taking anything in. I'm so grateful for this side. The place where I'm full and grateful. Where I allow myself grace. It does seem that every time I come through I become more present to myself. ...
I'm not sure how to end this post, except maybe to say that having a baby is a crazy adventure.
That seems like an understatement but it's all I've got.
3 comments:
My aunt and I had a long discussion about this last night. What she has studied and believes about this is that we are judging ourselves against our internal ideal of ourselves. And we never measure up to our ideal. We need to break away from our ideal and find a way to love the us that is. And not give up our desire to learn and grow, but to give up the need to compare. It is an ongoing challenge.
Yes, what Amy said...
One of the hardest things I had to deal with during the first year of being a mom wasn't my baby, it was me. I wasn't upset that it was hard, I was upset with myself for allowing it to be hard.
J.O. you have such a clear and concise way of expressing your feelings through writing. Sometimes I feel like you've reahced into my head and pulled out words I've been trying to spit out for almost two years now. I love it!
Thank you guys for your kind comments! It's good to know others have struggled with similar things. I'm in good company!
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