out came the sun...

Sunday morning. The mister sleeps in while I get up with the boy. The boy who has been in the process of waking up for at least an hour before I finally get up with him. He kicks and rolls and babbles, nurses some between his sleeping parents. Until I give in to the fact that he is not going to fall back asleep. We rise, change what must be the world's heaviest diaper and I have a cup of coffee.

An hour of crawling and investigating. I try to write but can only get two sentences down before he's demanding my full attention. For a moment I feel trapped. Trapped in eternal parenthood. Trapped in no more sleeping in, no more cuddling with the mister because the little one is between us. I'm trapped in my thoughts that I cannot get onto paper - there's just not time or space for it. An overwhelming sense of self pity, sadness, terminal thinking - that this will last forever- sets in. I think that by choosing to have a child I've signed away any sense of sanity and enjoyment for myself. The little boy is all over the place and only happy in one spot for seconds before he's fussy and moving on to the next surprise.

I force myself to put down my journal and set aside for a moment the million things I would like to do. And I sit with him, just in front of where he's at. I watch him explore the mister's shoe. Then suddenly and for what seems to be no reason, he looks up from the laces he's been pulling at and smiles. The smile is clearly, undoubtedly just for me. Because I am there and watching and because he loves and trusts and feels safe and knows that I am there. And everything else falls away. I am captured by that smile and remember that I can withstand anything for this little one. A to do list and sense of self satisfaction in activities I enjoy...they suddenly seem so unimportant. Because my little boy has an uncanny way of being just right here in this very moment. And when I allow that, join that, when I can truly be there with him it is the most important and fulfilling moment. And it is always available.