an ode to lists

I love lists. I literally have lists of lists. They can hold random things and still seem organized. They signify a process. They say "Yes, I have it together. I know what I'm doing. Look I have a list." You can't doubt someone with a list.

So when trying to compensate for my feelings of doubt, uncertainty, and general insecurity I create a list. Needless to say, I have hundreds of lists. I even have a book of lists. My favorite kind of list is "the dream list". It's kind of a Mondo Beyondo. A list in which I write all and any dreams, fantasies and fabulous (even and especially outrageous) things I'd like to do. I have two kinds of dream lists; I like to do one at the beginning of every year, I also like to keep one for my entire life.

Dream lists are fun and magical. They encourage me to dream BIG. They also provide a record. In looking back, I can see tangibly the dreams that I have accomplished.

who knew? maybe I really do know what I'm doing!
and
holy cow! the universe really is a magical place that is conspiring on my behalf!

Looking back on my dream lists also allows me to see what I have accomplished and how I have grown and changed. Accomplishing one goal, that I initially might have thought of as a BIG dream (getting a Master's degree) naturally creates momentum for my further adventures (think PhD). I can also see how I outgrow some items. Ex. be part of a Criss Angel trick (I haven't crossed that one off yet but at some point I might)

So in ode to lists here is one of mine!
list taken from above photo

1. establish a wonderful and beautiful garden
2. garden sculptures
3. go on a retreat - something creative and spiritually inclined
4. take a writing class
5. paint a silk scarf
6. mail super wonderful packages and letters to friends - just for the fun of it!
7. have dedicated time for creative endeavors; art and writing
8. create garden and lawn sculptures
9. find and participate in a group or organization that is specifically to foster spirit
10. be able to do a headstand without assistance of a wall
11. get published
12. make money with my writing
13. make money with my art work


What are some items on your list of things to do while you're here?

slaying dragons

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are but princesses that are waiting to see us act just once with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest essence, something helpless that needs our love.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

...tending to my dragons and being generous with love.

at it again

most recent work entitled, Affirmation

Hello all! Well yes, I am at it again. And with a vengeance now. Thank heavens!
You may be asking yourself She's at what, exactly? Well, life I suppose would be the answer. But to be more specific...I'm feeling more like I've found the path again. My path.

Sometimes, it is nice to wander without direction but other times, the wandering feels tedious and taunting. The world seems to be mocking me and my misdirection. I struggle to honor my own struggle. And as of late, well since we've moved really, I've felt all turned around. And unsure of every step. At times I felt there were no options or directions. Then other times I felt like every direction was available (which was equally overwhelming).

As I think back on old posts, this does not seem to be a new topic for me...and maybe I've written a hundred times that I'm starting to feel settled. Maybe it's been my mantra and something I've longed to feel.

Nonetheless I am starting to settle - and get reacquainted and more comfortable with those parts that will always flux. Home is starting to feel like home. I've gotten back to taking more courageous leaps - introducing myself to new people, admitting to strangers that I am an artist, making new friends, creating more work, day dreaming about the future and using those dreams to set goals (like creating enough work to fill a kiln by December). Here's a sneak peak at what I've been up to in my new studio space...

laying under a rock

She was overwhelmed by indecision. And so she decided to make no decisions at all. As it were, she sat down. . . then lay down. Right there on the very ground where she walked. She placed a very large weighty rock on the center of her belly - to keep her from blowing away. She lay there until she could find her center again, until her sustenance returned, until she could find her self and with it her courage and voice. Her cool ability to boldly state her intentions, her desires and decisions.

because you are beautiful !

coming into focus

I am learning to embrace myself. To not be so self conscious, so full of doubt. I am learning to get out of my own way. To be gentle. I'm learning to reach for my dreams and quiet the constant wanting of my heart - which is probably not my heart at all...but my mind, my ego making promises in the future. You'll be happy when... like trying to set the time by dandelion fluff.

I am asking myself what's really important to me? over and over again, so that I don't forget. So that I don't get sucked into what's not important. Like getting all the laundry done - or television.

I'm learning to center myself around what is important to me. The joy of creating, acts of nurture, my little boy's laughter, loving those I love. I am still asking myself what is important and what do I want - but I'm also recognizing what is already here now. Those things that once started as that very question. I'm learning to recognize and honor the grace in my journey - learning to savor the adventure of it all.

lonesome

We've been here for 3 and half months. It feels like we've been here a year already. And yet as the season changes I remember that I've not ever experienced Autumn here - or Winter for that matter. And then, of course there's Spring. We've had visitors and projects, trips and outings. In other words, we've kept quite busy. But all along there's been this little sadness. When the visitors are really more the hubby's friends than mine. When my best friend comes out and I'm so happy but somewhere in the back there's that part of me that's always looking forward and I know, I know - she has to go home soon.
And so the sadness has been. A quiet lulling blanket, like Winter's snow. I hardly notice it at all anymore. Until it changes. Until I begin to notice the warm thawing of a new acquaintance, that might be a new friend. And although my loneliness seems to slowly be turning itself over - to a new sense of community, to new possibility and a wonderful new home, I know the coldness is still there. I've learned that it has always been there, waiting. Even in that old home. Moving has made it more poignant. Moving has taken my comfort and security that I used to keep it at bay. But in fact, there is always that awkwardness about myself. It's all my sense of loss and fear. It the quiet desperation of wanting so badly to be accepted and loved. And wondering if it will happen. It's my inner adolescent without the cool disguise.
And just like adolescents, what I've come to appreciate about this loneliness is that it is something that needs embracing. It's okay to feel lonesome. We all do.

"The trouble with loneliness is that there's no one to share it with."

I found that last quote somewhere I don't remember. I would love, love, love to know where it came from - a wise soul , no doubt. If you know, please share. That beautiful truism needs an author line.