if you are afraid of the dark

A long kept secret and struggle of mine: I am afraid of the dark. I always have been, for as long as I can remember. My over active imagination has kept me in bed with a full bladder pondering the shadows and bumps in the night more times than I care to admit to. And despite my age and education I just can't seem to talk myself out of it. I have always felt sheepish about it. Full of self judgement. Aren't I getting a little too old to be afraid of the dark? When I was in my early 20's I lived on my own. I thought for sure living by myself would prove my bravery. How can you live by yourself and still be afraid of the dark? Each night before tucking myself into bed I would check each closet and under the bed. Oh, behind the shower curtain too - there's no telling what random murderous psycho or retching monster may be waiting there noting to themselves to be extra scary because clearly I don't clean out my tub. It seems to come and go. And for a very long time I have told myself I just have a sensitive subconscious. The way people are more susceptible to the common cold. Don't show me scary movies or tell me gruesome tales. That stuff stays with me and then, it comes back to haunt me. So I'm sucking up my shame to tell you, dear reader, about this. Mainly because, I'm tired of being afraid of the dark. I'm a grown up already! I pay taxes, I have a baby, my 10 year reunion is in a few weeks! Can I grow out of this already? Last night I sat in bed and pondered the shadows while wondering, again just how badly did I have to pee and how long until the sun comes up. So since talking myself out of this hasn't worked, I'm trying a new approach. It occurred to me that maybe I'm just very creative and for some reason fixated on dark, mysterious things. Maybe authors of horror share similar thoughts but don't see it as a problem. So instead of imagining what horrible fates could be waiting just around the corner for me, I'm going to try pretending it's a story. A premise for a book maybe. Maybe I can see these thoughts as blessings eventually. The scary, creative muse visiting again (always when I have to pee and the house is quiet. I guess if that fails, I'm just grateful to have a big hairy husband who doesn't seem to mind me waking him up from time to time. You know just to make sure I make it back from the bathroom intact.