fireworks on the 4th of july

We tease each other all weekend. Forming opinions, embellishing ideas, joking and laughing. We have little debates, confident in our views and sure the other is wrong. We bet on where Marky Mark got his start (turns out the Mr. is right it was NKOTB) and whether or not earwigs can really bore into the human brain via the ear (I was wrong about that too, they can't). It's a refreshing change from earlier in the week when the arguments were serious. The tension palpable between us. Each choosing space instead of cutting words. I find myself panicked still about our relationship when this happens. When we argue. Part of me so sure of myself and hurt for his not understanding. Silent, stubborn, standing off, this is how I protect myself. At the same time panic has set, as it always does when we fight, and I instantly at the same time want to run to him - tell him I'm joking or wrong. Just don't be mad anymore I can't take it. Desperate. I hate this desperate part of myself and do everything in my power to hide it, especially in these moments when it screams the loudest.

A day goes by like this. All the day long I oscillate between catastrophe and desperation. Between wondering how long until it all falls apart, and what were we thinking bringing another human being into the world when we can't even get along, wanting to get in my car and drive for miles until I hit the dry desert with it's oppressive heat and isolation. These thoughts are mixed with the old familiar panic, don't leave me, I love you so much, how can I make it without you. These two extremes form the landscape of my mind. Sprinkled with sarcasm and cynicism. A little humor and self degradation. It keeps me humble and crazy. Constant chatter and doubt.

Instead of the desert and its isolation I find the hustle of the shopping mall. There I wander amidst families, power walking between couples. Mindless and numb, the stimulation distracts my monkey mind. Away from all of the doubt and panic. The walking creates a clearing within. I am able to breathe. I remember that I love my husband dearly. I remember that we are both indeed very committed to one another. It is not the end of the world, even if it does feel that way. I find my center, on my own. Among all of the shoppers. I decide then it's time to go home.

I find him at home on the back porch with the boy. We start our dance at a distance. From inside through the window I start to gently poke and prod. He escalates in anger. I am calm. I escalate in anger. He is calm. We each speak back and forth. Heated. Both hurt. But each tending to the other, in our own ways. I let the process happen and we find our common ground again. The space between us shrinks. Hours later, we are each still tender but the heat has lifted. All that is left now is the continuing of coming together. And a day later at the start of our weekend, we are laughing and intentionally needling each other. Sharing our opinions, wondering out loud and betting we know more than the other.

This is our dance. We will dance it over and over. It evolves and changes as we do. I am so very thankful we are able to take the space we need now. I think back to years ago when we yelled. Like dogs chained to a fence, neither of us able to get away. Name calling (that was me), saying things just to be hurtful (that was him). We are able to argue now and remember while arguing that we really do love each other. And try in the moment to treat each other that way. Sometimes, we succumb to the temptation, hitting below the belt. But we've learned to be gracious with each other also. Allowing for room. Knowing we will step on each other's toes. Knowing the other will sometimes be blatantly wrong and loving them more because of it. Even if technically I'm right because Marky-Mark wasn't in NKOTB when they made it big. At least not that I remember...

a little come to Jesus

Otherwise known as, Things I Really Despise About Others That I'm Beginning to See How I Embody:
I've recently been complaining, at least in my head and to my hubby, that my friendships seem inconsistent and therefore lacking. In whine mode, it sounds like this, "Who's there for me on a regular basis? Who do I have really regular intimate relationships with?" And in the shower the other morning as I was beginning, again, to whine to myself in my head about how I'm all alone, have no one, am bored etc. I started thinking instead, "What have I been doing to foster the relationships that are dear to me?" and I realized, I was the inconsistent one - that's right me. I hadn't returned phone calls to anyone in my posse in any kind of a timely manner. While I've always enjoyed the loyalty and flexibility of my friendships with my girlfriends it seemed that the exception had become the rule. The more I thought about it, the more it was clear that I had set the standard in my friendships of inconsistency. The old golden rule is a beauty huh? The good news about realizing you were the one screwing up? You can fix it.

Some other things that I've been bitching about? People who take things for granted. (to see how this applies to me see the above paragraph)

Now I'm gonna go ahead and blame the baby. Seriously. Having a baby is like getting transported to another planet. I feel like I'm starting to wake up from a comma. On this new Planet Parent, everything is eerily similar and yet different enough to be jarring. It's like putting the milk in the cupboard - regularly. It feels like the right thing to do but somehow it's just not quite right. Familiar and odd. Similar and somehow me, only not quite in the same form as I remember. I have all these judgements that I should know what I'm doing mixed with tremors of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

Having said all of that, it is a tremendous gift. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I feel like I've learned (and am still learning) to come home to myself. I guess (here's where I get all philosophical) the beauty of a brand new day is getting to start new. That's sort of been my experience with parenting (only different). I'm sure I took lots of things for granted and was truant in my relationships but I didn't have the awareness of doing those things. Somehow having this beautiful little boy that I love so much has helped me to redefine myself. I have greater awareness (at least I think I do) about me. More insight into who I am. Where is this awareness coming from? Why after becoming a parent? I think it's because my little boy is so important to me. And I'm sure I'm gonna screw lots of things up and want to do some things differently but as best I can I'd like to do the best I can for him and me. That means...some (more) self reflection. That seems to be the theme around here lately. I'm just so grateful and blessed that I get to love someone so much and I get to be a better person for it.

P.S. It's just occurring to me that I probably didn't have to have a baby to do that...that's just what's happened for me. Or if you prefer, it took me becoming a parent to have some (more)awareness about who I am. Although, I don't know that I would recommend that method for others, meditation may be a more direct and certainly less expensive path to self insight. We could also debate about whether this happens for everyone who becomes a parent? or meditates? And also, (randomly) I've really been into lists lately.

P.S.S. More randomness...has anyone seen my camera? Seriously. It's been missing for about a month now and I'm really starting to miss it. I wish it would show itself soon. I'm about to assume the worst. sigh.

Note to self: try meditation - regularly

if you are afraid of the dark

A long kept secret and struggle of mine: I am afraid of the dark. I always have been, for as long as I can remember. My over active imagination has kept me in bed with a full bladder pondering the shadows and bumps in the night more times than I care to admit to. And despite my age and education I just can't seem to talk myself out of it. I have always felt sheepish about it. Full of self judgement. Aren't I getting a little too old to be afraid of the dark? When I was in my early 20's I lived on my own. I thought for sure living by myself would prove my bravery. How can you live by yourself and still be afraid of the dark? Each night before tucking myself into bed I would check each closet and under the bed. Oh, behind the shower curtain too - there's no telling what random murderous psycho or retching monster may be waiting there noting to themselves to be extra scary because clearly I don't clean out my tub. It seems to come and go. And for a very long time I have told myself I just have a sensitive subconscious. The way people are more susceptible to the common cold. Don't show me scary movies or tell me gruesome tales. That stuff stays with me and then, it comes back to haunt me. So I'm sucking up my shame to tell you, dear reader, about this. Mainly because, I'm tired of being afraid of the dark. I'm a grown up already! I pay taxes, I have a baby, my 10 year reunion is in a few weeks! Can I grow out of this already? Last night I sat in bed and pondered the shadows while wondering, again just how badly did I have to pee and how long until the sun comes up. So since talking myself out of this hasn't worked, I'm trying a new approach. It occurred to me that maybe I'm just very creative and for some reason fixated on dark, mysterious things. Maybe authors of horror share similar thoughts but don't see it as a problem. So instead of imagining what horrible fates could be waiting just around the corner for me, I'm going to try pretending it's a story. A premise for a book maybe. Maybe I can see these thoughts as blessings eventually. The scary, creative muse visiting again (always when I have to pee and the house is quiet. I guess if that fails, I'm just grateful to have a big hairy husband who doesn't seem to mind me waking him up from time to time. You know just to make sure I make it back from the bathroom intact.

the last seven days, a list

- a day spent at the office, I went in early even to catch up on the never ending paperwork
- searching for the perfect birthday present for mom in-law. found it!
- taking the pooch to the vet with the boy (this was a test in patients and physical strength)
- more time spent doing work I love with people I enjoy (I am so very blessed)
- a late birthday party! for me and my mom in-law
- opening presents
- mojitos
- bar-b-que!
- good friends
- a night around our new little outdoor fireplace with s'mores and conversation
- a day to rest, catch up and prepare for the coming week (read as laundry, grocery store, bills)
- visiting old friends and catching up
- filing for a birth certificate for the boy (he's made it seven months and all without the proper paperwork in order)
- yard work
- getting upset with my hubby
- a really, really long walk with the boy
- great conversation with my hubby, some stolen time late at night to reconnect

Yep. There you have it. Some chores and neurosis, a party sandwiched in between work. I know I didn't share the neurosis part in the list, I wasn't quite sure how to fit that in...okay, I'm still not except to say that I can get carried away in my little brain sometimes and my days feel so full of things - I get through them like a check list of things to do. Rarely lately do I find myself really indulging in a moment...in a regular old run of the mill moment, if you will. In dinner. Or grocery shopping. I feel like I have just enough time to brace myself before getting hit with the next wave. Then the wave comes and I find myself baring down for the next. Writing out the above list really illustrated that for me.

The crazy, wonderful part is that I have so much to be grateful for. And I am! I just am not really feeling it. I'm not living it. Overwhelmed in one moment and then surging ahead trying to plan, prepare, contemplate the next. Never really sitting here. Just right here. In this very sacred, beautiful moment.

Ahhhh. What a relief it is to let all of that go and just be here now. I can drive myself crazy trying to plan out the future and analyze my past. And I rob myself of now. Hhhhmmmff.

unfinished business

Here's what I've known about me for sometime; I lack follow through. I have been this way for as long as I can remember although I wasn't aware of it for much of my life. When I began to become aware of this little flaw I spent quite some time in denial about it. I'd try to blame other circumstances, people, situations - and while sometimes my excuses may have been valid, the real issue is still blaring, I hardly finish what I start. From household projects, creative endeavors, work projects, even personal journals, none are complete. That's right, even personal journals kept throughout my entire life, none are completely filled up. I start with gusto and romantic visions, hopes of what will come and stop three quarters of the way through. And so it is and has been with just about everything in my life. A subtle and effective form of self sabotage. I just don't complete things. It's like I just run out of steam. And so my life has become filled with things I haven't finished. They take up space and sit with excuses or reasons for not finishing - sometimes it's just that I don't want to. They collect dust and reinforce this belief about me not finishing things. I trick myself into forgetting about this flaw of mine and find myself feeling overwhelmed and stuck with nothing specific to point to. This habit reinforces ideas like, I'll never go anywhere, It never works out and Just who do I think I am. I have been feeding my inner critic - one unfinished project at a time.

So here's the part where I would usually cheer lead myself and make renewed promises to myself to do better, be better etc. There is something about doing that that feels like a perpetuation of the same cycle though. I'm not really clear what my next step is. Right now, I'm working on continuing my awareness of this tendency - I'm also going to grow awareness about the projects I take on...but it feels like there's more, something larger and deeper. I don't know - maybe I'm trying to read too much into it. I'm going to do what I can and trust that if there is more it will be revealed to me at the right time and place.