unfinished business

Here's what I've known about me for sometime; I lack follow through. I have been this way for as long as I can remember although I wasn't aware of it for much of my life. When I began to become aware of this little flaw I spent quite some time in denial about it. I'd try to blame other circumstances, people, situations - and while sometimes my excuses may have been valid, the real issue is still blaring, I hardly finish what I start. From household projects, creative endeavors, work projects, even personal journals, none are complete. That's right, even personal journals kept throughout my entire life, none are completely filled up. I start with gusto and romantic visions, hopes of what will come and stop three quarters of the way through. And so it is and has been with just about everything in my life. A subtle and effective form of self sabotage. I just don't complete things. It's like I just run out of steam. And so my life has become filled with things I haven't finished. They take up space and sit with excuses or reasons for not finishing - sometimes it's just that I don't want to. They collect dust and reinforce this belief about me not finishing things. I trick myself into forgetting about this flaw of mine and find myself feeling overwhelmed and stuck with nothing specific to point to. This habit reinforces ideas like, I'll never go anywhere, It never works out and Just who do I think I am. I have been feeding my inner critic - one unfinished project at a time.

So here's the part where I would usually cheer lead myself and make renewed promises to myself to do better, be better etc. There is something about doing that that feels like a perpetuation of the same cycle though. I'm not really clear what my next step is. Right now, I'm working on continuing my awareness of this tendency - I'm also going to grow awareness about the projects I take on...but it feels like there's more, something larger and deeper. I don't know - maybe I'm trying to read too much into it. I'm going to do what I can and trust that if there is more it will be revealed to me at the right time and place.