a little come to Jesus

Otherwise known as, Things I Really Despise About Others That I'm Beginning to See How I Embody:
I've recently been complaining, at least in my head and to my hubby, that my friendships seem inconsistent and therefore lacking. In whine mode, it sounds like this, "Who's there for me on a regular basis? Who do I have really regular intimate relationships with?" And in the shower the other morning as I was beginning, again, to whine to myself in my head about how I'm all alone, have no one, am bored etc. I started thinking instead, "What have I been doing to foster the relationships that are dear to me?" and I realized, I was the inconsistent one - that's right me. I hadn't returned phone calls to anyone in my posse in any kind of a timely manner. While I've always enjoyed the loyalty and flexibility of my friendships with my girlfriends it seemed that the exception had become the rule. The more I thought about it, the more it was clear that I had set the standard in my friendships of inconsistency. The old golden rule is a beauty huh? The good news about realizing you were the one screwing up? You can fix it.

Some other things that I've been bitching about? People who take things for granted. (to see how this applies to me see the above paragraph)

Now I'm gonna go ahead and blame the baby. Seriously. Having a baby is like getting transported to another planet. I feel like I'm starting to wake up from a comma. On this new Planet Parent, everything is eerily similar and yet different enough to be jarring. It's like putting the milk in the cupboard - regularly. It feels like the right thing to do but somehow it's just not quite right. Familiar and odd. Similar and somehow me, only not quite in the same form as I remember. I have all these judgements that I should know what I'm doing mixed with tremors of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy.

Having said all of that, it is a tremendous gift. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I feel like I've learned (and am still learning) to come home to myself. I guess (here's where I get all philosophical) the beauty of a brand new day is getting to start new. That's sort of been my experience with parenting (only different). I'm sure I took lots of things for granted and was truant in my relationships but I didn't have the awareness of doing those things. Somehow having this beautiful little boy that I love so much has helped me to redefine myself. I have greater awareness (at least I think I do) about me. More insight into who I am. Where is this awareness coming from? Why after becoming a parent? I think it's because my little boy is so important to me. And I'm sure I'm gonna screw lots of things up and want to do some things differently but as best I can I'd like to do the best I can for him and me. That means...some (more) self reflection. That seems to be the theme around here lately. I'm just so grateful and blessed that I get to love someone so much and I get to be a better person for it.

P.S. It's just occurring to me that I probably didn't have to have a baby to do that...that's just what's happened for me. Or if you prefer, it took me becoming a parent to have some (more)awareness about who I am. Although, I don't know that I would recommend that method for others, meditation may be a more direct and certainly less expensive path to self insight. We could also debate about whether this happens for everyone who becomes a parent? or meditates? And also, (randomly) I've really been into lists lately.

P.S.S. More randomness...has anyone seen my camera? Seriously. It's been missing for about a month now and I'm really starting to miss it. I wish it would show itself soon. I'm about to assume the worst. sigh.

Note to self: try meditation - regularly

some random-ness from the weekend

1. a fabulous (really, really fabulous) date with the hubby this weekend
2. thank goodness for in laws to watch the little one
3. finished reading Eat, Pray, Love this morning (I actually finished a book!)
4. fabulous meal to go with the fabulous date
5. a new journal that fits in my purse
6. new realization that I really struggle to track my thoughts (I think I always knew this, but then forgot I knew and remembered again)
7. struggling with too much wonder and questions in my head, mostly fueled by feelings of incompetence
8. loving that I have a safe place to land and can get love and support from my hubby (see also #1)
9. feeling more balanced now, letting it pass, allowing and accepting my process
10. now: a napping boy
11. looking forward to my lunch date with my aunt (lunch dates rock, especially if they're with people you admire)
12. settling into summer
13. wondering about summer meals (is it just me or do other people struggle coming up with a menu in the summer time?)
14. I can't believe I almost forgot to put this down: the little boy cut his first tooth! 7 months old
15. so also lots of broken sleep and foggy, weary days in the heat
16. really enjoying naps and going to bed early

if you are afraid of the dark

A long kept secret and struggle of mine: I am afraid of the dark. I always have been, for as long as I can remember. My over active imagination has kept me in bed with a full bladder pondering the shadows and bumps in the night more times than I care to admit to. And despite my age and education I just can't seem to talk myself out of it. I have always felt sheepish about it. Full of self judgement. Aren't I getting a little too old to be afraid of the dark? When I was in my early 20's I lived on my own. I thought for sure living by myself would prove my bravery. How can you live by yourself and still be afraid of the dark? Each night before tucking myself into bed I would check each closet and under the bed. Oh, behind the shower curtain too - there's no telling what random murderous psycho or retching monster may be waiting there noting to themselves to be extra scary because clearly I don't clean out my tub. It seems to come and go. And for a very long time I have told myself I just have a sensitive subconscious. The way people are more susceptible to the common cold. Don't show me scary movies or tell me gruesome tales. That stuff stays with me and then, it comes back to haunt me. So I'm sucking up my shame to tell you, dear reader, about this. Mainly because, I'm tired of being afraid of the dark. I'm a grown up already! I pay taxes, I have a baby, my 10 year reunion is in a few weeks! Can I grow out of this already? Last night I sat in bed and pondered the shadows while wondering, again just how badly did I have to pee and how long until the sun comes up. So since talking myself out of this hasn't worked, I'm trying a new approach. It occurred to me that maybe I'm just very creative and for some reason fixated on dark, mysterious things. Maybe authors of horror share similar thoughts but don't see it as a problem. So instead of imagining what horrible fates could be waiting just around the corner for me, I'm going to try pretending it's a story. A premise for a book maybe. Maybe I can see these thoughts as blessings eventually. The scary, creative muse visiting again (always when I have to pee and the house is quiet. I guess if that fails, I'm just grateful to have a big hairy husband who doesn't seem to mind me waking him up from time to time. You know just to make sure I make it back from the bathroom intact.

the last seven days, a list

- a day spent at the office, I went in early even to catch up on the never ending paperwork
- searching for the perfect birthday present for mom in-law. found it!
- taking the pooch to the vet with the boy (this was a test in patients and physical strength)
- more time spent doing work I love with people I enjoy (I am so very blessed)
- a late birthday party! for me and my mom in-law
- opening presents
- mojitos
- bar-b-que!
- good friends
- a night around our new little outdoor fireplace with s'mores and conversation
- a day to rest, catch up and prepare for the coming week (read as laundry, grocery store, bills)
- visiting old friends and catching up
- filing for a birth certificate for the boy (he's made it seven months and all without the proper paperwork in order)
- yard work
- getting upset with my hubby
- a really, really long walk with the boy
- great conversation with my hubby, some stolen time late at night to reconnect

Yep. There you have it. Some chores and neurosis, a party sandwiched in between work. I know I didn't share the neurosis part in the list, I wasn't quite sure how to fit that in...okay, I'm still not except to say that I can get carried away in my little brain sometimes and my days feel so full of things - I get through them like a check list of things to do. Rarely lately do I find myself really indulging in a moment...in a regular old run of the mill moment, if you will. In dinner. Or grocery shopping. I feel like I have just enough time to brace myself before getting hit with the next wave. Then the wave comes and I find myself baring down for the next. Writing out the above list really illustrated that for me.

The crazy, wonderful part is that I have so much to be grateful for. And I am! I just am not really feeling it. I'm not living it. Overwhelmed in one moment and then surging ahead trying to plan, prepare, contemplate the next. Never really sitting here. Just right here. In this very sacred, beautiful moment.

Ahhhh. What a relief it is to let all of that go and just be here now. I can drive myself crazy trying to plan out the future and analyze my past. And I rob myself of now. Hhhhmmmff.

a birthday post

I have this personal rule about working on my birthday. I don't. Well at least, if I can take it off I always have. Today, however, I was going to go into work - just for an hour at the most - and not because I really wanted to, but because I had to - a super high speed meeting that had to happen today. So my hubby came home to watch the little one and I, all dolled up for work took off. But alas, the birthday fates had other plans in store...a big fat flat tire! A tow truck ride, my first time ever using road side assistance and four new tires later (it turns out they were having a sale on tires and all four did need to be replaced). I called in whilst I sat waiting for the tow truck guy and tele-conferenced in for the meeting- not the best situation but the only one that would work under the circumstances (thank goodness for technology and cell phones, what would I have done today without one?) and now, here I am a year older, a little morning adventure and some new tires!

So back to taking the day off and enjoying it - the way the fates intended (apparently).

On a tangent, I think I'm going to always take off the little boy's birthday. That is if he wants me to (I'm thinking when he's older he may not, but who knows) It can be his day with me and his daddy to do whatever he wants, go to the zoo, a movie, whatever he wants.

I remember when I was a kid, second grade-ish, I stayed home sick and went to the grocery store with my mom. I was shocked to see other people out in the world! I thought everyone either went to school or work during the day(which in my little kiddo brain meant in an office somewhere) I couldn't believe there were people out doing things - like it was a weekend or something! I had this endless possibility moment, where the whole world could be all mine when I was a grown up, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week. It was scary and liberating all at the same time. Who knows maybe all little kids have this sort of realization (that the world does go on without them)? and maybe our little boy will enjoy always having at least one designated day with his cool folks to do whatever his little heart desires!

You know you're getting too old for a pinata, when the idea of picking paper and candy out of your yard is a huge deterrent from the possibility of getting to beat a paper animal until it renders the goods. Damn you responsible adult brain!

unfinished business

Here's what I've known about me for sometime; I lack follow through. I have been this way for as long as I can remember although I wasn't aware of it for much of my life. When I began to become aware of this little flaw I spent quite some time in denial about it. I'd try to blame other circumstances, people, situations - and while sometimes my excuses may have been valid, the real issue is still blaring, I hardly finish what I start. From household projects, creative endeavors, work projects, even personal journals, none are complete. That's right, even personal journals kept throughout my entire life, none are completely filled up. I start with gusto and romantic visions, hopes of what will come and stop three quarters of the way through. And so it is and has been with just about everything in my life. A subtle and effective form of self sabotage. I just don't complete things. It's like I just run out of steam. And so my life has become filled with things I haven't finished. They take up space and sit with excuses or reasons for not finishing - sometimes it's just that I don't want to. They collect dust and reinforce this belief about me not finishing things. I trick myself into forgetting about this flaw of mine and find myself feeling overwhelmed and stuck with nothing specific to point to. This habit reinforces ideas like, I'll never go anywhere, It never works out and Just who do I think I am. I have been feeding my inner critic - one unfinished project at a time.

So here's the part where I would usually cheer lead myself and make renewed promises to myself to do better, be better etc. There is something about doing that that feels like a perpetuation of the same cycle though. I'm not really clear what my next step is. Right now, I'm working on continuing my awareness of this tendency - I'm also going to grow awareness about the projects I take on...but it feels like there's more, something larger and deeper. I don't know - maybe I'm trying to read too much into it. I'm going to do what I can and trust that if there is more it will be revealed to me at the right time and place.