random thoughts from the week

I've been busy writing posts in my head all week...unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) none of them have survived in memory long enough to transcribe them. So instead, here are snippets of thoughts from the week.

• The winter sun draws out the darkness and exaggerates it. The shadows are longer , reaching and spreading to new places. The nights stretch out and create long dark quiet.

• A finished sculpture:

She finally did the only thing there was left to do, she spoke the truth that was in her heart.

• Feeling grateful: that I've never had to use my home insurance, for my family and our health, for dear friends, for a big soft cozy warm bed, and the loved ones who share it with me, the little boy who talks in his sleep and the snoring husband.

• Moving through all of the mixed feelings as the little boy continues to completely ween from momma milk...sigh. Sad about it as I write this. Grateful at the prospect at 3am when he's nursing himself back into slumber.

• Looking forward to road trip, visiting family and our old home town. So I'll be away for a week.

I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!

monday morning

Is it quite possible to have it all, she wondered.

Then she tossed and turned, rearranged, flopped, straightened her stockings and decided maybe, just maybe she could jump high enough to fly.
and for a brief moment she felt her feet come off the ground.

p.s. notice the latest Artful Blogger by Somerset Studio in the photo- it is full of comfort and inspiration! Also tucked into this photo, my favorite (and first) handmade apron, which I now cannot wear because every time I do my little boy demands that he wear it (which is adorable)- even though I've made him his own apron (he must sense that wearing mine is extra cute).

a quick something brighter

Hi all! Whew...I needed to brighten things up around here a bit. That gray was bringing me down. Yellow it is! And one day, I promise I will figure out how to get things so that my blog will look just as I want it! Meaning the title photo will fit just so on the page.

On a different and completely random note: having my two year old boy means getting to enjoy my morning coffee outside despite the season or temperature. The kid loves snow!


Hope everyone is having a splendid weekend!

a passing thought ...

The house feels terribly disorganized

and I begin again to put off my happiness...
I should... I should... I should....
Maybe if....
It would be better if....
I'll be really happy when...
and on
and on.
How many times a day do I get stuck in this thinking?
All the while ignoring, ungrateful what the present moment continues to offer (despite my constant wandering dissatisfaction):
my little boy discovering the world that exist beneath tables and chairs, the winds blowing the last of the stubborn leaves from the trees, bringing cooler weather and the promise of snow. The promise of another perfect moment.

honesty

Here's me just being honest: I'm afraid to really put myself out there. And I guess with good reason - out there can't be taken back. Out there may last forever. Or until I erase what I've shared. Out there is scary and might illicit the criticism of others. I'd love to share but I also want to make everyone happy. See my predicament? You can't make everyone happy. Really all I control is my own happiness.

Here is what I like: people who move with authority, people who aren't afraid to look like they know where they are going (like my son, he's only two and is a natural at this. In fact he is a master! He is 100% where ever he is - when he's thinking, he's thinking, when he's playing, he's playing. He doesn't do anything half way. He isn't busy in his little brain trying to conjure up a healthy dinner for tonight while trying to wriggle the pillow out of its case. He is there 100% smashing and throwing that pillow with all of his mental and physical might, shaking it loose.

I am afraid the plight out of childhood may be lessons of learning where we are not safe in this world. And my work as an adult is learning to re-create safety in my world for myself and those I love.

new beginnings with more clarity

First, I want to give a big hello and thank you to all of my readers! Hello! Thank you for reading! Yes, you! I know you are out there! Go on and give your self a big hug! Because that's what I would do if I were able!

I've been at this blog off and on now for almost two years! I started this blog 4 months after my little one was born. I wasn't quite sure why I started this blog - or if I did know, I wasn't able to admit it to myself, but the reason has made itself clear to me now...connection! (I mean sure there are other reasons too - it forces me to write for an audience and that pushes me to gain more clarity in my thoughts). But mainly I think, I started this blog because my new undertaking of motherhood was lonesome! Much more so than I had anticipated. Scary lonesome sometimes. Depression lonesome sometimes.

I had (and still have) great friends and help and a wonderfully supportive mate - but still I needed something else. Something to validate me and my path. I was a long time lurker of other blogs and it looked like fun.

So sheepishly, I admit that blogging started as a way of reaching out but felt more like a high school popularity contest - yuck! This was of course, all my own making. I was measuring the "success" of my blog by how many readers or comments I had. (what makes a blog a "success" anyhow?) This of course, especially in the beginnings of a blog did not help me to feel more confident or any less lonesome!

Where am I going with all of this? Well, after being in our new home and a new town for 6 months, after watching some of my uncertainties and fears settle back down to the bottom - I am looking around, taking inventory and looking at my blog; I'm seeing what I've been after here and everywhere else is connection. A sense of belonging. And ironically one of the ways I receive this is through affirmation.

So, thank you. And I guess it's also about continuing to learn to trust the process, my process. Learning to trust that the universe provides. That it really is okay. Learning to trust that you, dear reader are out there. Even if I don't know you are. Here I am reaching out anyway. Because that is who I am. And this is who I want to be. And I would love to know that you are there but I don't feel compelled to know - I don't have to know. I trust that I am enough just as I am. Right here. Right now. And so are you!

a wednesday

"Is it possible," she says, "to believe that you are not drowning at all, that this sea is an ocean of love, waiting to envelope you in all the ordinary things that will set your heart free?" The Queen of Hearts - Lewis Carol

Yep. Needed to hold on to this one today. A mixture of surprise, struggle and triumph. Received some extra money, (woo-hoo!) Plumbing backed up, spent said money.

Also, my moods seem to change with the winds. I start with great intentions but feel blown away -or soggy from an overflowing toilet. And my general outlook goes where the water should have - down the drain. I continue to practice being kind to myself. Oh, yeah - and those around me too. But darn it when I'm crabby it is not an easy task. So, in celebration of triumph over the crabbiness and our plumbing woes a gratitude list!

I'm grateful:
-I get to take a shower tomorrow morning in my own shower
-my little boy has fallen into a gentle bedtime routine that is enjoyable for everyone
-for my own studio space
-and cute new shoes
-support
-and community
-a husband who continues to try and cheer me up
- and finally, my big beautiful grown up bed! (and the promise of a new day)