more extraordinary

• caring family and friends
• a little extra sunlight each day
• a mother-in-law who rubs knots out of my back
• the perfect gift from hubby (this and this)
• this one made me cry - he loaded all of my songs on it for me- four days worth of music!
• a little boy that cuddles and says "I love you too Mommy"
• two doves nestled outside in our blue spruce just outside our window
• a vibrant fire
• a date with my love - dinner and bowling
• a big, beautiful house that does not feel cramped with Christmas and guests
• a new year

a whirlwind

• holidays
• getting ready for family to come visit
• my first show! up and running! woo-hoo!
  
• cleaning the house
• cleaning the house some more
• thinking about making ginger bread from scratch
• working to stay present and calm amidst a sick but recovering little boy, who has not been sleeping well
• working to stay calm and present and grateful amidst the hubby's health concerns
• finding little ways to remember love for myself and my family
• painting, dry wall - more painting
• more love
  

more signs of the season

Extra Ordinary

I love word play. Things like disease being dis - ease.

And the word universe. Uni meaning one and verse as in song. Universe = one song.

Or how about the word compassion. Ever notice: compassion. Yep, the word compass tucked neatly into compassion. Let compassion be your guide. Compassion, it has it's own built in compass.

Here's another one: extraordinary. Extraordinary. Extra Ordinary. It has been true in my life, and is the spirit of this blog; what feels the most extraordinary is really a beautiful, complete moment tucked into the most ordinary, the most mundane - the extra ordinary.

So let's celebrate the extra ordinary!

• a perfect cup of tea in my favorite mug
• warm fuzzy socks
• lists
• noodles
• Christmas trees
• snuggling up to watch a movie by the fire

How about you? What are your extra ordinaries right now?

signs of the season

I've been hiding out as of late. Enjoying time away from the computer. Cooking, baking, cleaning, listening to the radio. Settling back in. Our trip to our old home town seemed jarring. It has taken me a while to settle back into a routine and sense of home. Changing seasons, weather, the upcoming holidays and everything that goes with it, as well as everyone in our house but me getting sick has made it more difficult to find that sense of center.

But this morning, wonderful of wonderful, a blanket of white and still falling snow! Nothing feels like cozy warm home like fresh snow outside!

home again

I've been finding that when I try to put down full coherent thoughts lately I've been rambling...then I get lost, so I ramble some more in an attempt to find out where I was going. This little pattern has lead to lots of unfinished (but long) posts. So in an effort to finish (oh, I struggle with this everywhere. all the never completed...what mom doesn't? that's another post in and of itself...see! the rambling!) oh, yes, finish! I will be attempting a little different format. Something akin to my beloved lists!

Home
Returning to our new home after a road trip to our old home town.
Seeing our old home and town with distance, new eyes and fresh perspective. I'm left appreciating our new place in the world. The quaint of a small town. The beauty that surrounds our new home. A home that fits us perfectly (including room to grow). Our big family bed!

The new home and the dreams that go with it: move kitchen, change flooring, put in another bedroom, contemplate having more children, garden, garden, garden.

I'm left from our trip also thinking about the concept of home. The home of my childhood and places I have called home as I have grown into adulthood. What makes a home? What is important to me that I cultivate in our home for my family?

I'm also thinking about how I return to homes from my past with sporadic regularity. Returning to homes from my past always gives me perspective; remembering where I was then, the realization of where I am now. There is joy for the journey and longing for what was all bundled in that instant of seeing an old shell that I once occupied. What makes a home for you?

And also...
In an effort to celebrate what I have completed I will be paying tribute here.

Taking my sewing machine in to have it cleaned for the first time ever! It was a hand-me-down from my mother and I remember I was 11 when she got it. That means its 18 years old! Needless to say the machine is super grateful and now sews like a dream!

I was able to finish this apron that I started sewing 3 years ago...I have many more in the works and am hoping they will not take nearly as long to complete.

random thoughts from the week

I've been busy writing posts in my head all week...unfortunately, (or maybe fortunately) none of them have survived in memory long enough to transcribe them. So instead, here are snippets of thoughts from the week.

• The winter sun draws out the darkness and exaggerates it. The shadows are longer , reaching and spreading to new places. The nights stretch out and create long dark quiet.

• A finished sculpture:

She finally did the only thing there was left to do, she spoke the truth that was in her heart.

• Feeling grateful: that I've never had to use my home insurance, for my family and our health, for dear friends, for a big soft cozy warm bed, and the loved ones who share it with me, the little boy who talks in his sleep and the snoring husband.

• Moving through all of the mixed feelings as the little boy continues to completely ween from momma milk...sigh. Sad about it as I write this. Grateful at the prospect at 3am when he's nursing himself back into slumber.

• Looking forward to road trip, visiting family and our old home town. So I'll be away for a week.

I hope everyone has a fabulous Thanksgiving!

monday morning

Is it quite possible to have it all, she wondered.

Then she tossed and turned, rearranged, flopped, straightened her stockings and decided maybe, just maybe she could jump high enough to fly.
and for a brief moment she felt her feet come off the ground.

p.s. notice the latest Artful Blogger by Somerset Studio in the photo- it is full of comfort and inspiration! Also tucked into this photo, my favorite (and first) handmade apron, which I now cannot wear because every time I do my little boy demands that he wear it (which is adorable)- even though I've made him his own apron (he must sense that wearing mine is extra cute).

a quick something brighter

Hi all! Whew...I needed to brighten things up around here a bit. That gray was bringing me down. Yellow it is! And one day, I promise I will figure out how to get things so that my blog will look just as I want it! Meaning the title photo will fit just so on the page.

On a different and completely random note: having my two year old boy means getting to enjoy my morning coffee outside despite the season or temperature. The kid loves snow!


Hope everyone is having a splendid weekend!

a passing thought ...

The house feels terribly disorganized

and I begin again to put off my happiness...
I should... I should... I should....
Maybe if....
It would be better if....
I'll be really happy when...
and on
and on.
How many times a day do I get stuck in this thinking?
All the while ignoring, ungrateful what the present moment continues to offer (despite my constant wandering dissatisfaction):
my little boy discovering the world that exist beneath tables and chairs, the winds blowing the last of the stubborn leaves from the trees, bringing cooler weather and the promise of snow. The promise of another perfect moment.

honesty

Here's me just being honest: I'm afraid to really put myself out there. And I guess with good reason - out there can't be taken back. Out there may last forever. Or until I erase what I've shared. Out there is scary and might illicit the criticism of others. I'd love to share but I also want to make everyone happy. See my predicament? You can't make everyone happy. Really all I control is my own happiness.

Here is what I like: people who move with authority, people who aren't afraid to look like they know where they are going (like my son, he's only two and is a natural at this. In fact he is a master! He is 100% where ever he is - when he's thinking, he's thinking, when he's playing, he's playing. He doesn't do anything half way. He isn't busy in his little brain trying to conjure up a healthy dinner for tonight while trying to wriggle the pillow out of its case. He is there 100% smashing and throwing that pillow with all of his mental and physical might, shaking it loose.

I am afraid the plight out of childhood may be lessons of learning where we are not safe in this world. And my work as an adult is learning to re-create safety in my world for myself and those I love.

new beginnings with more clarity

First, I want to give a big hello and thank you to all of my readers! Hello! Thank you for reading! Yes, you! I know you are out there! Go on and give your self a big hug! Because that's what I would do if I were able!

I've been at this blog off and on now for almost two years! I started this blog 4 months after my little one was born. I wasn't quite sure why I started this blog - or if I did know, I wasn't able to admit it to myself, but the reason has made itself clear to me now...connection! (I mean sure there are other reasons too - it forces me to write for an audience and that pushes me to gain more clarity in my thoughts). But mainly I think, I started this blog because my new undertaking of motherhood was lonesome! Much more so than I had anticipated. Scary lonesome sometimes. Depression lonesome sometimes.

I had (and still have) great friends and help and a wonderfully supportive mate - but still I needed something else. Something to validate me and my path. I was a long time lurker of other blogs and it looked like fun.

So sheepishly, I admit that blogging started as a way of reaching out but felt more like a high school popularity contest - yuck! This was of course, all my own making. I was measuring the "success" of my blog by how many readers or comments I had. (what makes a blog a "success" anyhow?) This of course, especially in the beginnings of a blog did not help me to feel more confident or any less lonesome!

Where am I going with all of this? Well, after being in our new home and a new town for 6 months, after watching some of my uncertainties and fears settle back down to the bottom - I am looking around, taking inventory and looking at my blog; I'm seeing what I've been after here and everywhere else is connection. A sense of belonging. And ironically one of the ways I receive this is through affirmation.

So, thank you. And I guess it's also about continuing to learn to trust the process, my process. Learning to trust that the universe provides. That it really is okay. Learning to trust that you, dear reader are out there. Even if I don't know you are. Here I am reaching out anyway. Because that is who I am. And this is who I want to be. And I would love to know that you are there but I don't feel compelled to know - I don't have to know. I trust that I am enough just as I am. Right here. Right now. And so are you!

a wednesday

"Is it possible," she says, "to believe that you are not drowning at all, that this sea is an ocean of love, waiting to envelope you in all the ordinary things that will set your heart free?" The Queen of Hearts - Lewis Carol

Yep. Needed to hold on to this one today. A mixture of surprise, struggle and triumph. Received some extra money, (woo-hoo!) Plumbing backed up, spent said money.

Also, my moods seem to change with the winds. I start with great intentions but feel blown away -or soggy from an overflowing toilet. And my general outlook goes where the water should have - down the drain. I continue to practice being kind to myself. Oh, yeah - and those around me too. But darn it when I'm crabby it is not an easy task. So, in celebration of triumph over the crabbiness and our plumbing woes a gratitude list!

I'm grateful:
-I get to take a shower tomorrow morning in my own shower
-my little boy has fallen into a gentle bedtime routine that is enjoyable for everyone
-for my own studio space
-and cute new shoes
-support
-and community
-a husband who continues to try and cheer me up
- and finally, my big beautiful grown up bed! (and the promise of a new day)

rose hips

Have I written yet about our fabulous new (to us) old house? Have I said here, that I'm sure the universe was listening to me and hubby's bedtime conversations as we dreamed about what our next house would be? The universe even gave me well established gardens(and badly in need of tending).

Here we are 5 months now in a new town. Settling in. And I have inherited from our new home the most fabulous of roses, everywhere. Roses as big as grapefruits in the Summer. Roses that are so red they glow. And roses that bloom right up to the first snow. And...they are still alive - 5 months in to my being their new caretaker. So, I've been collecting rose hips. And I've made some sort of rose hip concoction. I basically boiled the hips until they were soft and saved the liquid. Now what? I'll let you know how the experimenting goes.

troubles in potty training

More struggles in toddler world. Potty training. Uhg! He was doing so well! That is, until the concept of pooping in the potty was introduced. Here's what has happened since then and how we have digressed:

8AM
Little Boy running around with no diaper on.
Mom trying to encourage, coax and bribe little boy on to potty. He clearly has to go. And little boy, going on the potty is so much fun!
Little boy refuses to go into bathroom.

8:05
Mom against her better judgment grabs potty from bathroom and brings into kitchen where little boy is.
Little Boy still running around with no diaper looking somewhat interested but still refusing to sit on potty. Still clearly has to go.

8:07
Little boy: clearly pushing
Mom: giving up on the potty tries with all of her might to encourage little boy off of carpeted area and onto linoleum.
Little boy poops on carpet.
Mom picks up poop with wipes, goes to bathroom flushes said mess, moves potty back into bathroom where it belongs.
Little boy continues running around with no diaper.

8:09
Little boy excited: pee pee on potty!
Mom excited: let's go pee pee on the potty!
Little Boy: No, floor. Pointing to where the potty just was in the kitchen.
Mom tries to explain the potty belongs in the bathroom while trying to convince little boy into bathroom.
Little Boy begins whining. Quickly turns to screaming. Screaming becomes full fledged tantrum.
Mom carries little boy into bathroom to show him where the potty went.
Little boy is still very upset. Will not sit on potty. Any attempts to push this by Mom are met with more enraged screaming.
Mom decides it is time for a diaper. This is met with more upset from Little Boy. Mom diapers little boy anyway.

8:15
Little boy is diapered playing with blocks, content.

I wish I could say that this was the first occurrence of this in our household. The truth is I have cleaned poop off my floor the last 4 days in a row. That doesn't bother me so much as the tantrums. And worse, I'm not sure what to do. I think the Little Boy is just more comfortable pooping while standing. What's a mom to do?

I can say however, I have learned some things. He responds better when I don't change things (moving the potty is a BIG mistake). And he also seems to calm more quickly when I make command parent decisions and quickly. Ex. Despite his upset diapering him.

Sigh. This too shall pass...

an ode to lists

I love lists. I literally have lists of lists. They can hold random things and still seem organized. They signify a process. They say "Yes, I have it together. I know what I'm doing. Look I have a list." You can't doubt someone with a list.

So when trying to compensate for my feelings of doubt, uncertainty, and general insecurity I create a list. Needless to say, I have hundreds of lists. I even have a book of lists. My favorite kind of list is "the dream list". It's kind of a Mondo Beyondo. A list in which I write all and any dreams, fantasies and fabulous (even and especially outrageous) things I'd like to do. I have two kinds of dream lists; I like to do one at the beginning of every year, I also like to keep one for my entire life.

Dream lists are fun and magical. They encourage me to dream BIG. They also provide a record. In looking back, I can see tangibly the dreams that I have accomplished.

who knew? maybe I really do know what I'm doing!
and
holy cow! the universe really is a magical place that is conspiring on my behalf!

Looking back on my dream lists also allows me to see what I have accomplished and how I have grown and changed. Accomplishing one goal, that I initially might have thought of as a BIG dream (getting a Master's degree) naturally creates momentum for my further adventures (think PhD). I can also see how I outgrow some items. Ex. be part of a Criss Angel trick (I haven't crossed that one off yet but at some point I might)

So in ode to lists here is one of mine!
list taken from above photo

1. establish a wonderful and beautiful garden
2. garden sculptures
3. go on a retreat - something creative and spiritually inclined
4. take a writing class
5. paint a silk scarf
6. mail super wonderful packages and letters to friends - just for the fun of it!
7. have dedicated time for creative endeavors; art and writing
8. create garden and lawn sculptures
9. find and participate in a group or organization that is specifically to foster spirit
10. be able to do a headstand without assistance of a wall
11. get published
12. make money with my writing
13. make money with my art work


What are some items on your list of things to do while you're here?

slaying dragons

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are but princesses that are waiting to see us act just once with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest essence, something helpless that needs our love.
- Rainer Maria Rilke

...tending to my dragons and being generous with love.

at it again

most recent work entitled, Affirmation

Hello all! Well yes, I am at it again. And with a vengeance now. Thank heavens!
You may be asking yourself She's at what, exactly? Well, life I suppose would be the answer. But to be more specific...I'm feeling more like I've found the path again. My path.

Sometimes, it is nice to wander without direction but other times, the wandering feels tedious and taunting. The world seems to be mocking me and my misdirection. I struggle to honor my own struggle. And as of late, well since we've moved really, I've felt all turned around. And unsure of every step. At times I felt there were no options or directions. Then other times I felt like every direction was available (which was equally overwhelming).

As I think back on old posts, this does not seem to be a new topic for me...and maybe I've written a hundred times that I'm starting to feel settled. Maybe it's been my mantra and something I've longed to feel.

Nonetheless I am starting to settle - and get reacquainted and more comfortable with those parts that will always flux. Home is starting to feel like home. I've gotten back to taking more courageous leaps - introducing myself to new people, admitting to strangers that I am an artist, making new friends, creating more work, day dreaming about the future and using those dreams to set goals (like creating enough work to fill a kiln by December). Here's a sneak peak at what I've been up to in my new studio space...

laying under a rock

She was overwhelmed by indecision. And so she decided to make no decisions at all. As it were, she sat down. . . then lay down. Right there on the very ground where she walked. She placed a very large weighty rock on the center of her belly - to keep her from blowing away. She lay there until she could find her center again, until her sustenance returned, until she could find her self and with it her courage and voice. Her cool ability to boldly state her intentions, her desires and decisions.

because you are beautiful !

coming into focus

I am learning to embrace myself. To not be so self conscious, so full of doubt. I am learning to get out of my own way. To be gentle. I'm learning to reach for my dreams and quiet the constant wanting of my heart - which is probably not my heart at all...but my mind, my ego making promises in the future. You'll be happy when... like trying to set the time by dandelion fluff.

I am asking myself what's really important to me? over and over again, so that I don't forget. So that I don't get sucked into what's not important. Like getting all the laundry done - or television.

I'm learning to center myself around what is important to me. The joy of creating, acts of nurture, my little boy's laughter, loving those I love. I am still asking myself what is important and what do I want - but I'm also recognizing what is already here now. Those things that once started as that very question. I'm learning to recognize and honor the grace in my journey - learning to savor the adventure of it all.

lonesome

We've been here for 3 and half months. It feels like we've been here a year already. And yet as the season changes I remember that I've not ever experienced Autumn here - or Winter for that matter. And then, of course there's Spring. We've had visitors and projects, trips and outings. In other words, we've kept quite busy. But all along there's been this little sadness. When the visitors are really more the hubby's friends than mine. When my best friend comes out and I'm so happy but somewhere in the back there's that part of me that's always looking forward and I know, I know - she has to go home soon.
And so the sadness has been. A quiet lulling blanket, like Winter's snow. I hardly notice it at all anymore. Until it changes. Until I begin to notice the warm thawing of a new acquaintance, that might be a new friend. And although my loneliness seems to slowly be turning itself over - to a new sense of community, to new possibility and a wonderful new home, I know the coldness is still there. I've learned that it has always been there, waiting. Even in that old home. Moving has made it more poignant. Moving has taken my comfort and security that I used to keep it at bay. But in fact, there is always that awkwardness about myself. It's all my sense of loss and fear. It the quiet desperation of wanting so badly to be accepted and loved. And wondering if it will happen. It's my inner adolescent without the cool disguise.
And just like adolescents, what I've come to appreciate about this loneliness is that it is something that needs embracing. It's okay to feel lonesome. We all do.

"The trouble with loneliness is that there's no one to share it with."

I found that last quote somewhere I don't remember. I would love, love, love to know where it came from - a wise soul , no doubt. If you know, please share. That beautiful truism needs an author line.

don't should on your friends

My life seems full of shoulds...I should do this, I should do that. I shouldn't have done this. Guilt, regret.
And sometimes it's learning to let those things go.
So I feed the little boy a Popsicle for breakfast.
I should write more. Take more pictures. Laugh more often. Lighten up. Be in the moment. Enjoy.
It's a hard thing to do when I'm beating myself up for what I should have done.

And so it goes.
The days are getting shorter. And the shadows longer. The air crisp like a clean sheet of paper.
Waiting for what I should do.
And in the mean time, I'm just trying to lighten up.
Or decide if I shouldn't just learn to appreciate myself the way I am.
It's a little upside down and inside out.
Crazy.

today

I'm obviously catching up on my posting...I'm sure I was going through withdraws. I thought you'd enjoy this. Today we made rock shoe soup with a large side of golden lab. What a perfect way to end summer.

be fri and st ends

I wrote this post Thursday, last week - but alas we've been without internet forever ... okay only for about a week. So this post hasn't been able to make its way out into the Universe until now..

we sit for hours under the stars, chatting. sharing those parts of ourselves too tender or ridiculous to share elsewhere. she hears those parts of me that have been aching for company in a new lonesome town. she listens with compassion as I mark off the lists of reasons why I'm sure I'm an unfit mother. we talk about our relationships with our husbands and our mothers. when I'm unsure or off center, she feeds me kind words and understanding. it seems as we stare into the sky and share our dreams of who we will become, that she believes in me more than I believe in myself at times. her belief gives me courage. she shares her amazement at my little life here in the country and I'm reminded of all I have to be grateful for. albeit, she's miles away from me now. when she pulls out of our drive after four blissful days of sisterhood, I gulp back tears and then sob. I had overlooked my love for her when she was just a block away. I'd not noticed the depth of my caring for her. I underestimated the comfort I received. she's my be fri and I'm her st ends. .
Unafraid to be girly girls together - truly best friends.

welcome to mama's sacred studio space

A place where nothing is thrown or broken by anyone but mama.
A place mama comes to rest her tired soul when she's worn thin and ragged and rumpled.
A place where she's just enough - as is.
And the only demands here are the ones she puts on herself.
It's a place where she finds herself again and again, as long and as many times as she needs to.
A place away from any unwanted distractions.
A place of quiet, peace and joy.
Fill up child, you are nurtured here. You are deeply cared for.
There is nothing here that has to be done - or undone.
Just you and this quiet perfect moment.

I wrote this one evening a few weeks ago. In need of quiet and escape. This isn't always true of this space (as you can see by the scattered pencils and rolling pin on the floor, both done by little hands). But the moment I wrote this, when I needed it to be, it was true. My sacred escape from the demands of the day and household. I used to curl up in an empty bathtub behind a closed door when I needed an escape(and I look forward to returning to the habit as soon as we have a bathtub). There is something so absurd and comforting about climbing in an empty tub and laying down with all of your clothes on. I highly recommend it. It's like a quickie retreat for my soul and I always end up chuckling at myself. But now, I have this huge, promising space - just waiting for me!

I wished and wished for so many years to have my very own studio! And now, I do! Dreams do come true! I'm so happy to share them with you. Wishing you a bright, quiet moment that is all your own today!

Love,
Jo

dog daze

Because I feel I need to write something...

The last few days of summer...

my best friend leaving.

a broken modem...so now I type in a Starbucks...

feeling better but sluggish in the heat.

been spending time sculpting.

Found a fantastic new yoga studio.

The little boy is becoming very adept at throwing tantrums....

and hitting

and biting again. (I used to be one of those people who believed children only did what was modeled for them by others...ha ha ha. Now I'm a parent and I know better!)

Practicing lots of breathing.

Reminding myself to enjoy the moments.

I Promise more lengthy and detailed posts once our Internet is up and running. This Thursday.

right now

I've been hiding out as of late. I'm sick with a little bug right now. The boy is on the mend from said illness. Being sick with a kiddo is the pits! So I've been playing it low and listening to myself. Also, prior to this little physical downer, I've been feeling a little blue. I've been itching for a sense of community that I just haven't found yet. Moving is tough! On an up note, my little brother is coming out to visit me tomorrow before he takes off for grad school. Then next week one of my very bestest friends in the whole universe is coming with her two precious daughters. I'm looking forward to a little love balm for my soul.

words from the universe

Searching for some inspiration this morning, I picked out a book and randomly flipped to a page. I thought some Shel Silverstein was bound to be uplifting. Here's what came up:

Helping

Agatha Fry, she made a pie,

And Christopher John helped bake it.

Christopher John, he mowed the lawn,

And Agatha Fry helped rake it.

Zachary Zugg took out the rug,

And Jennifer Joy helped shake it.

And Jennifer Joy, she made a toy,

And Zachary Zugg helped break it.

And some kind of help

Is the kind of help

That helping's all about.

And some kind of help

Is the kind of help

We all can do without.

Me, myself, I'm not sure which is which at the moment. I'm still looking for a little clarity.

confessions of a quitter

Okay, so I haven't been painting this week. I haven't posted either...because I knew that I would have to fess up. It's just been too much. We had new carpet put in three rooms. We tore the old carpet out ourselves. And some serious demolition needed to happen in the basement before it got carpet. I've been working through my typical painting times. And now that it's all over all I want to do is ... well, nothing. So here are some pictures of my little experiment...

mama's broken heart

I'm sure I've had the feeling before; whenever the little boy is in pain. But the other day at the library I had the most visceral experience of it. And I don't care to have it again. Ever.

The little boy was playing outside of a playhouse. Peaking in on other children, his own game of peek-a-boo. Only, the other children didn't like it. They were older and my little boy was interrupting their play. Go Away. One of the older boys stated. And then my little boy fell onto his bottom. And cried. Maybe my boy was pushed, either way my heart was broken. Not for the pushing or hurt bottom...no, no. My boy has and will continue to do his fair share of shoving. But for the rejection. Gasp. I had a glimpse into a fact that we all face. And I do not want to face it for my little love. We all get rejected. My little boy was over it in a matter of seconds. I however am still dealing with the fact that part of my job will be to witness his rejections and heartache. I just don't want it to happen. Ever. Bumps, bruises - they are part of life. Broken hearts, I know they are too. It's just incomprehensible because I am his momma. Who would ever want to reject my sweet, beautiful little boy?

Okay, enough gushing. I'm almost over it for now.

On a positive note, I recently spoke with my dear and talented artist friend. I got a little pep talk on the paintings. Hence my tenacity. Yes, I'm still painting. And the good news is that it's gotten better. Maybe even the paintings too - maybe not. But my feelings about the process have improved. Feelings in the art world, it turns out are no different from the rest of life...they pass and move on. So I'm happy to say that through the uncomfortable feelings, the ones that create the chatter and demons that tell me I should just quit, I kept going. I kept painting. I'm on my way to making friends with those pests. They didn't stop me this time!

a good whine

I'm incredibly frustrated with this whole painting thing. I think I am just over a week on the ordeal and I'm over it! I am not sure why it is I decided to do this. Thank goodness yesterday was a better painting day or I might not have made it in there today. Yeesh! I'm feeling pretty hopeless with it all. When I think about the "artist life" I think about peaches and roses and all sorts of sweetness. My mind conveniently edits out all of the intricacies and possible struggles.

What's it for? What's it for? That's what I ask in my mind over and over again as I paint. Even though I said what it's for when I started this whole experiment. "If you hate it this much" my demons say, "why don't you just quit?" I'm doing some serious mental battles here. I've written right on my studio wall "There is no such thing as failure only giving up" You'd think my demons would get the message but they press on.

And then there's the actual paintings...I'm sure the good days and bad days are obvious in the paintings themselves. Although I've not looked at them as a whole, from memory I've noticed some themes: the female form, pregnancy, bugs, nature, trees, fruits, squiggles and circles. There is a childishness to some if not most of the paintings. The content all seems a bit strange - but whatever. My job isn't to decipher or psychoanalyze what they are; my job is to simply show up every day whether I like it or not and get something down on paper with paint. So that's what I'll keep doing. Even though right now I'm looking very much forward to the end.

P.S. I've finally found my cord to the camera so I promise pictures will come soon!

today

Day one of the painting extravaganza down! I'm feeling excited about it. I wrote the last post in a bustle of inspiration. A mad dash before nap time ended. Today's painting was done during the same time and in the same spirit. A "hurry and just get it in or you never will" sort of fashion. I'm grateful for the imposed deadlines of nap time. It forces me to leap - or not. There is no in between. And I'm feeling like that's what it's all about. Either I jump or I don't. I work at asking myself lovingly, "Am I moving in the directions of my dreams? Am I moving towards the me I want?" I'm starting to think they don't have to be big moves either. It doesn't have to be dramatic. But it does need to be earnest and heartfelt. An inch is perfect as long as your whole being is in that inch. I guess that's where I'm at...learning how to really inhabit my life. All of my life. Inch by inch. So that my heart is in every inch. The little, the yucky, the tired, the small, the insignificant, the ordinary, the joyful.

the next 30

During nap time, which has been hustle, do chores and cultivate inspiration I was battling my fears. I have a beautiful (well potentially beautiful) studio space now. My fears are of failure. Of doing nothing. My fear of failure is that I will not create anything and if I do it won't be finished. In doing battle I realized 2 things: I need goals and deadlines and I need accountability. So here I am. Nap time is almost over and I'm leaping. Starting tomorrow I will do one painting a day for 30 days. They don't have to be good. They just have to be done. You are my accountability. Also I'll be calling some best friends. Hold me to it. 30 days, 30 paintings!

this month

In the last 30 days I have:

• relocated our home
• unpacked (mostly)
• cleaned, scrubbed, rearranged, repeat
• knocked down 3 walls
• helped move a safe - yes a safe! it came with the house
• pulled more weeds than I have in my entire life
• moved some rocks
• purchased a king sized bed - woo hoo!
• been to the farmer's market
• had company for a weekend
• had more company for a week
• grocery shopping, grocery shopping, grocery shopping
• started setting up my studio!
• painted
• spent lots of time at the library
• and park

Wow, put in a list it seems less impressive. All of the company has come and gone. Me and the mister will continue settling into our new home, the way only we do; by rearranging, remodeling and ripping things out. Next up carpeting!

company

I've not disappeared. We have company, in from out of town. Our pets, it turns out also have company. The uninvited type...ticks. Yuck! Our company, on the other hand, is fabulous. Warm and kind. Funny and vibrant. And forgiving...the little boy won't stop pushing and hitting their little girl. sigh. More later.

a random list of sorts

Still no cord for the camera...

We have company coming this week. Looking forward to visiting with good friends - but feeling a little overwhelmed.

I have a forever long and growing to do list.

Dealing with an assertive and ornery little boy. He's figuring things out, testing limits. Driving me nuts! It's that devilish little grin when he knows it's a no and does it anyway. My bad karma come back to haunt me.

Enjoying local honey from the farmer's market.

Wondering how am I going to get through the summer with this heat!?

Just got my library card for Mesa County Libraries! They're not gonna know what hit them. I already have a list of books I'm gonna check out. Oh, I do love my library!

Harvesting my old journals. Looking back through at past wishes and worries, finding ideas to expand on. Seeing that I've always just needed to give myself lots kindness.

Thankful for a napping boy.

Now back to my to do list...

a long hot spring

Searching for just the right spot. Not too much sun - or too much shade. Looking to dig my roots in deep. Let the soil feed me as I reach towards the heavens. And grow.

Here's what settling in and a long hot spring looks like...

Okay, pictures to come soon...

I can't find my cord that connects the camera to the computer...

Moving and settling in, no kidding...sheesh.

home again, home again

Unpacking. Boxes everywhere. Feeling a bit overwhelmed. Where does everything go? Where is everything? How did we acquire so much stuff? And yet it seems I still don't have everything I need. I cringe at the thought of purchasing more stuff with so much to unpack...but we do need curtains, and this to replace the sink and then of course this over here. So I do need that. And that is how I end up with more stuff. I'm having fantasies of wiggling my nose and it all falling into place. Either that or pitching it all and living like a nomad.

the struggle

So I have to be honest, I've been thinking about deleting - or rather removing all of the old posts. It's been so long. I feel a little sheepish picking this back up again. Looking at all of the old posts. Trying to remember what I am doing this for anyway. All of those goblins step up to the microphone, "who do you think you are?" they ask. Then I remembered a quote by Rumi that's been haunting me since I read it:

Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.

The quote, by the way, I found in Life, Paint and Passion which is an awesome book. I'm only upset I didn't hear about it sooner. It got me psyched about honoring my process with paints!
It's funny, I read that quote a few weeks before moving here. Where I don't know anyone except my aunt that lives one town over. I was feeling doubtful. Afraid. Then this flies off the page at me. Well alright, universe. I'll go for it already.

Sometimes I think life is about learning to get out of your own way.

where have I been?

So six months is quite a sabbatical, eh? I could throw out all kinds of excuses: the dog ate my computer, I have a 19 month old son, we put our house on the market, sold our house and are now living in a brand new town. I could also apologize and make all kinds of promises...so I already gave you the excuses but I won't do the apology and promises thing. What I will say is, I'll give it another go and we'll see how it turns out.

Tomorrow will mark the first week in our new house in a new town. What I can say so far, it's a lovely and small town, moving is crazy and I miss my loved ones back home. My melancholy with moving is particularly heightened because my husband had to go out of town for 4 days, leaving me and the little one here in our new home and a new town. Have I said that I'm living in a new town? Anyone reading this in Grand Junction, I am the one driving in circles looking a little sad and confused.

So about the new town. First, thank goodness it's relatively small so I can't get too lost or confused. And also, small towns make for friendly people - or at least everyone I've met here. I'm sharpening up on my conversation skills. Everyone is so friendly. People say "hi, how are you" here and seem to mean it. There's follow up conversation about the weather or anything else you may have in common. It's lovely! And has helped with the melancholy.

Our new home already feels like home. It needs lots of work. The mister and I have lots of home projects outlined for our future. It's spacious and roomy and has lots of character. And a space for a studio for me! I couldn't be more thrilled!

So there you have it. I'm back. At least for now.

test anyone?

I've been hiding out. Lurking, looking, admiring others. Dreaming of what my new blog could look like. It's still in the works but I just couldn't hide anymore. Right now it looks plain and drab and the final product, which will no doubt evolve, may not have all the soul I am hoping for...but alas...

In other news, I'm back to my normal routine of taking regular pregnancy tests. It's something I've always done but lately I've been even more of a nut than usual. So here's the thing, I've always been super paranoid about getting knocked up. Call me crazy but I think that the world of pregnancy tests will take a financial hit when I go into my menopausal years and no longer need their services. I shudder to think what I would be like if I lived decades earlier when pregnancy detection was not as convenient. I have a stock of tests. Especially now that the dollar store sells them. I mean really how could a girl like me resist? Some people gamble, I take pregnancy tests. I get the slightest chill or queasiness and the next morning I'm peeing on that stick. It doesn't help matters that I'm still nursing and so have been without my blessed monthly friend for over a year now. Some days I really do miss her...but until she returns I'll just keep regularly checking my urine for hCG.

the magic trunk and my artistic process

Well, it finally happened...after years of waiting and wishing. You see I have always dabbled creatively. And I've always had the belief that in order for me to really be productive and make great stuff I need a dedicated space. A space all my own. Space to spread out breath and keep everything. For the last 10 years I've been spread out everywhere. Well, I don't have a dedicated space all my own (yet) but I finally got it all in one accessible spot, right next to the kitchen table where I usually work. It's relieving, exciting and a little scary. In my head I've told myself that's what's been holding me back. Now what excuses do I have? I mean a dedicated space is still important to me. But I can now officially take over the kitchen table and store it all in my magic trunk for safe keeping in between working.

The other night I was laying in bed with the mister and it hit me - nobody is holding me back but me! What a thought. When I pay attention to the things I tell myself, I realize I am always blaming my unhappiness on others. I would be happy if...fill in the blank. It usually goes something like this, I would be happy if so and so would do something different which would enable me to do something different and then I would be happy, more productive, rich, more fulfilled, whatever. Why am I making my happiness contingent on others? Who knows. But it is something I will be paying more attention to and stopping. That's how the magic trunk came about in the first place.

Well, the trunk has always been magic and I've had it for years. I found it at an old antique store at least 10 years ago. I loved the beat up look of it and the old 1940's newspaper I found in the bottom of it. The store has since closed. But the trunk has been with me ever since. It's in need of repair and refinishing. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I had been thinking if only I had dedicated space I could be making all kinds of beautiful stuff...blah, blah, blah - living in that alternate reality of mine. When it hit me: what can I do now that will work? And I remembered my beloved trunk taking up space in our storage shed. So there you have it.

While I was in the process of organizing all of my endless art supplies I took some time to review my endless sketchbooks. And what occurred to me was a sad realization. Here's where the scary part comes in: what if it's not a matter of dedicated space? I have at least 5 sketchbooks all with maybe 5 to 10 ideas or sketches /scribblings and none of them looked appealing to me at all. So now that I have some organized space it's afforded me the opportunity to examine what my art making is about. What I hope to accomplish. What is appealing to me. What do I want to make. Or I could always find something or someone else to blame and continue to stall out my process...