getting the hang of it

With Springtime weather I am starting to feel better. My last post was a bit of a bummer - that's where I've been lately, going back and forth between feeling inspired to feeling like everything is barely held together. Well really, I'm not sure much has changed except that I may be starting to accept that that is where I am, and if everything is just barely hanging together, so be it! I'm gonna enjoy it while I can instead of whining about what needs to change. It seems to be working. I am feeling better. I wouldn't say I'm getting the hang of things, just that I'm again, coming to a place of acceptance with it all. Whew.

The first time I ever swam in the ocean, I was snorkeling. I have always had a bit of fear about water. I was with my grandfather and we were swimming out of a beautiful little cove in Hawaii. I was young and in shape then but I remember struggling to keep up with my grandpa. He seemed to be swimming with such grace and he was moving so quickly with little effort. In an effort to keep up with him I swan twice as hard, kicking and stroking. I was out of breath and making little progress. Worse than the little progress, I was afraid. The tide seemed to be carrying me further away from him. As the distance between us grew I paddled even harder to no avail and was almost in a panic that I would never catch him. Maybe I would be carried off to sea! He must have noticed the distance between us and the splashing of my efforts. He stopped swimming and glided towards me. With a big smile on his face he said, "your working too hard, just let the water take you, relax". He said it so matter of fact and glided off again. I exhaled and surrendered to the waves. I found that indeed once I stop trying so hard I could let the ocean do the work for me. I had no problem keeping up with him and I enjoyed myself so much more. I could use my energy to enjoy my surroundings.

So, a long story to illustrate my point. I'm relaxing. I surrender. I'm gonna focus my energy on enjoying the ride.

Also, I'm changing my background color. Something a little less...um, gray. Hope you enjoy. I'm still thinking about overhauling the whole look. That's a big project though, especially when you're as computer savvy as I am.

in a rut

I've been feeling dormant lately. Spring is slowly arriving here and with it I feel the pull towards more activity. The mister is still waiting to hear if he's got a new job. The waiting makes us crazy, neither of us are very good at it. We get cranky at each other as we try to remain hopeful. I daydream of a different schedule for our family, one that includes meals together while the sun is up and time for leisurely walks together in the evening.

I've been judging myself lately for being out of balance. Not eating healthy or exercising regularly. I think about struggling with a routine but realize that with or without a routine, it's balance I'm after. It seems to elude me still - although I feel I'm getting closer. I wonder what a perfect day in my life would look like. I continue to work willy-nilly on creative endeavors. I seem to lack momentum or commitment in these areas. I think I want more accountability and set it up for myself then blow it off.

I'm not sure how to finish this post. I've re-read it a few times now. I sound whiny. Feeling stuck in a rut of thoughts and daily doings. I'm going off to wander in the world and see if I can't gain new perspective.

bad blogger

I've been a bad blogger as of late. Only one week left of this month, March seems to have come and gone. It was a month of visitors: the in-laws and then hubby's cousin. Whew! All of that in a cozy little home (that is slowly being taken over by baby accessories). Happy Easter and Spring everyone! More tomorrow, promise!

sleeplessness and inner beauty

A little after 10 pm and the little boy is not asleep yet. This is pretty typical for us. He's always asleep by 11:30. I have dreams of the little boy going to sleep earlier and me having time at night to blog with two hands. Not yet though. I'm still wondering how my husband and I created a person who is so active in the mornings and doesn't like to sleep very much. I thought it was genetically impossible but apparently not.

While driving about town during one of the little one's glorious naps, I drove by a house for sale with a sign that proclaimed "I'm beautiful on the inside". What a wonderful statement. I think a t-shirt with that statement would be fabulous! I am beautiful on the inside! and outside too!
Time to try and coax the little one into slumber land.

tapped out

So I bombed out of the NaBloPoMo for March but not all is lost. Actually, despite not following through on my commitment I've gotten a lot from attempting to blog every day. I've been really thinking about the purpose of blogging. Why do you blog?
I started this blog for a few reasons:
-to gain a sense of online community
-to help encourage me to write thoughtfully (opposed to my journal which is sometimes like attacking the page with whatever thoughts are in my head)
-a place to log daily thoughts and creative endeavors (haven't done much with the creative part yet)
-a place to consider and honor the ordinary and mundane personally and as a new mom

I'm not sure how I'm doing in these areas but I do know that blogging has really pushed me to think about my writer's voice and how I present things. Along the lines of presentation, I've also taken a look at perspective both in life and in writing. Perspective is so important - it really creates and informs how someone approaches a situation. I think I usually struggle with what perspective to take particularly in my writing.

In other news - great news! My blessed and beautiful laptop is back and in working order. I didn't lose any of the writing I had done and failed to back up. Whew! I am so grateful it's here and I still have my files!

So blogworld, I'm gonna pick up where I left off and finish out March. I'll be back at it tomorrow.

Mother In Law

She's in town, staying with us for the weekend - more from me later!
The gist of it: she loves being a grandma, she loves our little boy, she's a great help around the house and she shared some really interesting stuff with me today - lots of insight into hubby's family dynamics.

strike when the iron is hot

I've recently decided I need to try to make this blog more interesting to read. I hate to admit it but really, I've just been plopping down at the end of the day and throwing whatever random thoughts I have out there. Okay, so my inner censor pretty much talks me out of most of it and I come up with pretty mediocre posts. Hence my decision, to try a little harder to entertain you dear reader. And also I think I may enjoy it more. I thought I had an interesting anecdote this morning I even made a little note in my journal: Blog idea - tell story of B. trying to eat his play mat. There was a really cute dialog around it with me and the mister even. But alas, that was hours ago and a whole day has passed: work, dinner, good conversation - a really good day - all at the cost of that interesting tidbit about the boy eating his play mat. Sigh...maybe tomorrow. Oh, well blogworld. The best of intentions - and all that.

a beautiful day

A fitful night of sleep. My little one, under the weather snuggled between the two of us - kicked and punched with tiny little fists all night long. We slept heavy in the morning and late. Then lunch at a posh restaurant with my wonderful aunt. New Mexican food - yum. Colorful walls and even more colorful artwork. Hours in the used bookstore that afternoon. My aunt looking for "just the perfect book". I found The Sound of Paper and instantly curled up in a chair to read with the boy who nodded off for a nap. We left with books in tow and parted with my aunt. My boy and I curled up to read our new finds. Then I simply vegged out in front of the tube until the mister returned.

The days still feel long and aimless. I still struggle with feeling like I don't do enough. Laundry piles up. I promise I'll clean this or finish that, then the boy cries inconsolably. We are finding our way slowly through the long hours of daylight, finding a balance between doing and being. I tell myself all day long "it's okay, it's enough, this too shall pass, one day you'll look back and miss these long hours of sitting". It makes it so much easier when I'm able to get out of the house. It's even more wonderful when I get to share my days with my boy and the company of loved ones.

An extra hour of sunlight and I remind myself that everything is happening exactly as it should be.

Day 10

Almost all better now but my head is still in a fog.

New lesson of parenting: take nothing for granted. My wee-one was a good sleeper, drifting off by the time me and the mister settled into bed but now... I'm not sure what to say about now, there's a whole parade and song and dance done in the interest of coaxing the little boy into slumber and it usually doesn't work.

I promise little one the world will still be here when you wake up.

I really struggled on this one

I got nothin'. Really. I've been sitting here for a few minutes now....


a few more minutes....


nothing.

Oh, okay...just went back to my list of lists post #9 Quirky habits I wish I had.

I wish I:

• smoked a tobacco pipe (and that it wasn't bad for my health)
• woke up occasionally in the middle of the night to eat cereal and write prolifically
• intermittently used exotic foreign words
• liked to drink martinis (then I could say "shaken not stirred")
• was brave enough to wear feather boas in public and pull it off
• ditto with fake eye lashes
• and a tiara
• had a secret career as a drag queen performer
• had an affinity for word puzzles

Yep, that's all folks!
for now anyhow.

Whisper to a Scream

Hey All! Guess who's feeling better? Okay, I'm not quite 100% but any increase in vitality at this point feels like a huge step forward. I can't breath through my nose but thank goodness, I can talk! (shrugs and sighs all around from those who know me - yeesh)

So since being under the weather, I have also been struggling with sleep. I'm not sure if it is the lack of sleep or lack of clear thinking due to congestion but something strange happens to me under these conditions: crazy thoughts at three in the morning and horrific songs stuck in my head - songs I swear I haven't heard in years! What's the deal here?

Last night at 3 am I was thinking about Doogie Howser - remember him? I was thinking about blogging and how dear Doogie seemed so clear and endearing in his thoughts on that cute little computer. How can I be more like Doogie Howser? Medical prodigy and have something sensible to say at the end of the day...something that summarizes everything so well and shows the world I've learned something and grown as a person today. Maybe someone can come up with a guide or something. Hey I know, a list!

Things I learned from Doogie Howser:
1. how to suture a wound and look cute

Okay, that's all I have, maybe any of you who remember Doogie can help me out...or better yet: If today your life was a scene from a sitcom or show, what would it be? Today, for me, I'm thinking I'd fit right in on the scene of Dumb and Dumber.

Mock ... ye-ah!
Ing ... ye-ah!
Bird ... ye-ah!
Mock-ing - Bird
Yeah!

or...
Out with the bad, in with the good! Out with the bad, in with the good!

Wow! All that I can't even blame cough syrup or anything!

I never had a crush on him as a youngster- maybe it's a sign that I'm getting older but is this guy just a cutie or what? Seriously, how could you not want him as your doctor?

He's even got his own blog: http://doogiehowsermd.blogspot.com/
Who knew?
Much love to ya Bloggies!

a whirlwind of life

my voice still gone, computer meltdowns, month end reports for work, a staff meeting, Friday evening traffic, pizza and a movie with my man

The boy came with me to work - nothing like showing off my most darling to the people I work with.

It's late and really, I'm just putting something down and putting it out there so I can say that I did - don't want to miss a day!

Under the weather -
Keep your fingers crossed for me, maybe I'll wake up a new woman tomorrow!

Poetry and Sickness

Things that don't suck about being sick:

• getting to stay in my pajamas all day long - guilt free!
• naps
• baths
• soup
• crappy daytime television
• unsolicited sympathy from loved ones
• a new found respect for my body and gratefulness for health

My little one is suffering with the same bug I am - it just seemed to hit him a bit later. Poor little one...I love him so much. Parenting and the art of surrendering to what I can't control.

Other random things, a poem about breastfeeding by yours truly.

Long breast pave the way of my love.

stretched and used up,

ample and supple

Once organized and perky,

now function and comfort.

It leaks and spills out,

proof of my love

soppy and weepy - at the most inconvenient times

Such a transformation - a greater version of myself

Hosting, sharing and supplying for another

I've learned to come home to myself.

~Ciao friends! More crappy t.v. for me!

Sick Again

Jeez! I thought I was over this already. A full day of work and barely a voice left to rasp with. This must be round two of the common cold. I'm just grateful my little one isn't sick. I suppose also I'm making up for lost time, I lasted my whole pregnancy without getting sick, thank goodness. I'm such a whiner when I don't feel good. Mbahhh......Uhg. Off to bed with me!

Just Can't Get Full

Do you ever have those days? Nothing seems to fill you up. Always something just a little off, all day long. I have a truly blessed life but some days I struggle to really live in the center of it all and be grateful. What's my deal? I've been asking myself this question for sometime now. A big part of the picture I know is having a baby. A beautiful and shocking upheaval to life as I knew it. I am no longer the center of my own universe. I'm adjusting though and gaining confidence as I go. I'm even learning to fit me back into my days and finding a new ever changing center to my life. So again, what exactly is the problem?

Okay, I may be getting the hang of this mommy thing but I'm terribly impatient and my days still feel aimless. Who knew such a restless spirit would miss, dare I say need a schedule? sigh...
I think the other part of it is missing my hubby in the evenings. (He works until 9 or 10 at night three days a week, the three days I'm at home with the little one. Please oh please let him get this job he's interviewing for! It would mean we could sit down and have dinner together at a normal hour.) So, I have a terrible time sticking to things and it seems that sticking to things is exactly what I need right now. Yeesh...more structured days. Who knew? We'll see how it goes. I guess this revelation means I better come up with some kind of routine.

Looking forward to spreading the goodness

I have been inspired by this kind blogger. I am looking forward to spreading the love. Beware Denver, Guerrilla Kindness is abound! For more information about the revolution check out this website http://www.hoperevo.com/.

A Lazy Snowy Sunday

Oh glorious sleeping in! Bed is definitely one of my all time favorite places. Then coffee, bacon and scrambled eggs. A hot steamy shower. The afternoon painting. A movie - en francias. Blowing snow all day long while chili slowly simmers. Cuddling teething fuss-pot baby boy. The Simpsons. Chocolate covered raisins. Looking forward to snuggling back in under our covers! A great day of rest and relaxation!

Lists of Lists

Thank goodness for NaBloPoMo's suggestion of lists. So here is a list of things that I think would make for interesting lists. Feel free to leave your suggestions - maybe I'll steal one later on!

1. Interesting conversation starters for people you don't know
2. Lists what's in your pockets/ purse right now
3. Book titles I think would sound interesting to read but would never write
4. The most horrific or old fashioned baby names (these are usually my favorite...I always loved the name Gertrude)
5. Million dollar ideas - akin to the books I'll never write, what sounds like an awesome money making scheme
6. What did you have for dinner last week
7. Stupid things your husband says
8. Apocalyptic scenarios
9. Quirky habits you wish you had
10. Places you'd hate to live
11. Strangest places you've ever found lint - okay this is a stretch and probably wouldn't make for a very long list
12. Best meals you've ever had

Alright, that's enough for now...I've got a terrible headache. Day one down of the great March Blogathon!