in the clear

Whew! Our dog looks clear of any cancerous cells! Thank goodness. It looks like, the vet said, just an infection. Hopefully the antibiotics we got from the vet do the trick. My dog is the absolute worst at taking medication! If you put his pills in something delicious, he'll eat the morsel carefully, finding the pill, spit the pill out and finish his treat. I've resorted to prying his mouth open shoving all three pills down his throat, clamping his mouth shut until he swallows. This tactic has worked so far. Except that this morning, he tricked me into thinking he had swallowed the pills and then he spit them out. Twice. My next step will be crushing his meds into a powder and mixing them with something. If that doesn't work....hopefully that works.

research

There's so much to blog about I'm afraid I'm suffering blogger paralysis. There was the reunion. Which I had mixed feelings going into but then found the perfect dress, got a night out with my guy and had a fabulous time! I went with my bff from high school so at least I could huddle in the corner with one person if it turned out to be a bust - but it wasn't a bust! It was a blast. There was only a small sliver of people who showed up but the handful who did - well it was heartwarming for the most part. Catching up, remembering, laughing. At the risk of sounding like I have a drinking problem, I must admit though, I am so thankful I had a drink or two, or three in me. Yeah for social lubricants! Maybe someday I'll feel confident enough to get by on my wit and charm but this was just the perfect occasion for a margarita! Alcohol aside, it was so nice to catch up with old pals!

Next up, my little boy is still asleep! Really not a whole lot more to write on this except that he's slept 2 hours more than he usually does, which is both nice and unnerving. Nice because, well here I am blogging with both hands! Unnerving because, well, is he okay, is something wrong? He's still breathing, no fever. This is something I could get used to!

And last, (be warned this may get graphic) my beloved pooch has some kind of strange growth on his...uh...well, pooper. About two years ago he had a similar growth that we ended up getting removed. It was just this little butt bubble, that slowly grew and grew and grew. No I'm not making this up. It didn't seem to bother him but it progressively got larger. So, we took him in. He had surgery and it turned out to be a benign growth. But this time - the growth came back in a day! And it's really gross, not just a cute pink button. An oozy, irregular mass. And my poor dog is so uncomfortable. So I took him in right away. Really folks, this thing was growing right in front of my eyes. Okay that's a slight exaggeration but it did get bigger with in an hour of being at the vet. They don't know what it is. They're sending in a sample to the pathologist. My dog might have butt cancer, and the only thing funny about butt cancer is saying butt cancer. But we won't know anything until the tests come back. I'm worried. In the mean time poochie gets some pain killers and antibiotics.

Now I'm fumbling with how to tie all this up...high school reunions, sleeping babies (who subsequently just woke up) and potential puppy butt cancer. How about a random quote from www.quotationspage.com/random

Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. Wernher von Braun

Couldn't have said it better myself. There you have it folks: research. We'll call it research!

keeping it short(er)

Is it just me, or have the posts around here been getting longer and longer? Well, I'll try to keep this one short. I'm not completely fully in my brain yet this morning. My little boy has taken to kicking me and nursing all the hours of the night. I think he sleeps well. But I woke up at one point and told my hubby that I was going to sell our little one to the gypsies. It's a good thing none were around. This too shall pass.

Getting ready for a crazy four days around here. Work, a two day conference for work in the high country and my 10 year high school reunion. Mom in law should be here in a few hours. I'll be making the drive to and from the conference each day, so that I can come home and get kicked all night. As painful as sleep was last night, I just can't bear to leave him for a night. I don't think either of us are ready for that yet. So I got some really great books on tape. Or rather, I hope they turn out to be good.

And with my 10 year reunion looming, I have been thinking a lot about my teenage self. And it hasn't been the easiest thing to think about. Did anyone really like themselves in high school? Was anyone confident enough to like themselves in high school? While doing all this thinking I was also shopping for the perfect black dress. The perfect, little black dress went out as sounding like a good idea when I realized that my boobs are about four inches lower than they used to be. After a good long search I found a winner! So it's off to the races for me!

fireworks on the 4th of july

We tease each other all weekend. Forming opinions, embellishing ideas, joking and laughing. We have little debates, confident in our views and sure the other is wrong. We bet on where Marky Mark got his start (turns out the Mr. is right it was NKOTB) and whether or not earwigs can really bore into the human brain via the ear (I was wrong about that too, they can't). It's a refreshing change from earlier in the week when the arguments were serious. The tension palpable between us. Each choosing space instead of cutting words. I find myself panicked still about our relationship when this happens. When we argue. Part of me so sure of myself and hurt for his not understanding. Silent, stubborn, standing off, this is how I protect myself. At the same time panic has set, as it always does when we fight, and I instantly at the same time want to run to him - tell him I'm joking or wrong. Just don't be mad anymore I can't take it. Desperate. I hate this desperate part of myself and do everything in my power to hide it, especially in these moments when it screams the loudest.

A day goes by like this. All the day long I oscillate between catastrophe and desperation. Between wondering how long until it all falls apart, and what were we thinking bringing another human being into the world when we can't even get along, wanting to get in my car and drive for miles until I hit the dry desert with it's oppressive heat and isolation. These thoughts are mixed with the old familiar panic, don't leave me, I love you so much, how can I make it without you. These two extremes form the landscape of my mind. Sprinkled with sarcasm and cynicism. A little humor and self degradation. It keeps me humble and crazy. Constant chatter and doubt.

Instead of the desert and its isolation I find the hustle of the shopping mall. There I wander amidst families, power walking between couples. Mindless and numb, the stimulation distracts my monkey mind. Away from all of the doubt and panic. The walking creates a clearing within. I am able to breathe. I remember that I love my husband dearly. I remember that we are both indeed very committed to one another. It is not the end of the world, even if it does feel that way. I find my center, on my own. Among all of the shoppers. I decide then it's time to go home.

I find him at home on the back porch with the boy. We start our dance at a distance. From inside through the window I start to gently poke and prod. He escalates in anger. I am calm. I escalate in anger. He is calm. We each speak back and forth. Heated. Both hurt. But each tending to the other, in our own ways. I let the process happen and we find our common ground again. The space between us shrinks. Hours later, we are each still tender but the heat has lifted. All that is left now is the continuing of coming together. And a day later at the start of our weekend, we are laughing and intentionally needling each other. Sharing our opinions, wondering out loud and betting we know more than the other.

This is our dance. We will dance it over and over. It evolves and changes as we do. I am so very thankful we are able to take the space we need now. I think back to years ago when we yelled. Like dogs chained to a fence, neither of us able to get away. Name calling (that was me), saying things just to be hurtful (that was him). We are able to argue now and remember while arguing that we really do love each other. And try in the moment to treat each other that way. Sometimes, we succumb to the temptation, hitting below the belt. But we've learned to be gracious with each other also. Allowing for room. Knowing we will step on each other's toes. Knowing the other will sometimes be blatantly wrong and loving them more because of it. Even if technically I'm right because Marky-Mark wasn't in NKOTB when they made it big. At least not that I remember...

my little boy's lullaby

I love you best when it's dusk and you're fighting the inevitable slumber.
Kicking ferociously beside me. Each stretch of your legs marked with a punctuated grunt.
Rolling away and back again.
Nursing and rubbing your eyes.
Pulling away.
Little wet wormy fingers
scratching and pulling desperately at my face.
Grasping fleshy cheeks, a protruding nose
then exploring - wiggling and prying my lips.
finding my teeth
A sudden realization and satisfaction
leaves as soon as it's realized
and the leaving is marked by more grunting and kicking
which begins to morph into a slumber song
another sort of exploration
sound
repeated
sound
repeated
your fingers lost track on my face
nurse, nurse
your lullaby coo
rubbing eyes with heavy lids
you succumb for a moment and drift off
and I think for just a moment "oh no, I'm going to miss you"
then eyes flutter open, as if you heard my thought
two pats on my check from your open palm
the last throws of a boxer who's lost his match
grateful and smitten I kiss your head and
breath you in. I love you best this way too.
Covered in peace, but certainly not the bed sheet.


P.S. I found my camera! Thank you! Thank you! My little boy's personal paparazzi has returned!