a birthday party

I'm sure it's reveals something when today, we were preparing for the little one's first birthday party and I kept wondering when can I open the wine? It wasn't that I needed a drink to take the edge off or relax (yes, I'm pretty sure I do sound like an alcoholic)...although some of my family was there and they do have a tendency to get on my nerves. It was simply that we were having a party. And isn't that what adults do at parties? What was the last party I was at where alcohol wasn't involved? Okay, company holiday party. But when was the last party I hosted and didn't have alcohol? I'd have to stretch years back even before I was able to buy alcohol legally. It is almost as unfathomable as having a party without food (although I'm sure I've been to plenty during my college years). So I showed some restraint and waited until half way through. And yes, wine couples well with cupcakes. And my relatives.

So there you have it. For some reason this whole conundrum makes me feel more adult. Questioning the appropriateness of alcohol; when and where, having a one year old, throwing birthday parties for kiddos.

I'm starting to wonder if as the kids get older alcohol becomes more inappropriate...probably. For parties involving other parents and other kids I guess the wine waits until after the guests leave...I may have to hold separate parties then; one for the little boy's friends, where I show restraint and wait to pop the cork until after everyone is gone and another party for my family where there is little restraint and Momma can drink her wine with her piece of cake.

Family. Everyone has one. I'm grateful that as I have grown I have been able to choose my own family. I have also been able to more broadly define the word to include long time supportive friends. Friends that I often feel closer to than my relatives. That's a post for another day. For now, it's enough to say that the little boy's first birthday party was a success and momma got by with a little help from her friends. And her wine.

blogworld fix my family

It seems that I've taken a bit of a vacation from blogging this month. I've been debating on how much to share, why am I blogging anyway and so forth. Battles with the inner critic. Oh, and I really did go on vacation, except that I returned home feeling like it was one of those vacations you need a vacation from.

The long and the short of it: my family is nuts. And while I really enjoy flair, personality, and general zaniness, my family takes the fun out of dysfunctional. I struggle to make peace with it all, not get too involved and not take it personally.

The truth of the matter is that this time, I did a really good job. I didn't get in the middle of anything. I was able to express my love and support to everyone involved. I upheld clear boundaries and took care of myself. I must be growing up.

Having recognized and said all of that I've been struggling with still feeling unsatisfied. I think now, as I write this it's taken me the last few weeks to figure it out...I'm unsatisfied because...well, my family is still nuts. No matter what I do I can't change that. It's not something I control. I can take care of myself and nurture me and my own little family; keeping us sane and healthy, laughing. But I can't control my bigger family. I can take myself out of the equation in a way that feels healthy for me but it doesn't change them. Doing my hard work for me doesn't give me the healthy extended family I want. And sometimes that's sad and frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying.

What it does do however: it keeps me sane and safe from their craziness, it allows me to create safety and sanity in my new immediate family with my hubby and little boy, and it takes so much less energy. I feel like instead of getting wrapped up in stuff I don't control, in stuff that's not mine, I can see more clearly and grieve what I need to about having an extended family that is not cohesive and doesn't communicate with one another.

And having realized and shared that with you, I am satisfied. And back from hiatus.

Thanks Blogworld, you've done it again.