the birth story

This is a long one.

A year ago in my journal I wrote:

I don't even know where to start. I have a one week old baby boy and he is beautiful and my life is completely upside down. He came a month early. Actually, he came right on time and we were all a month behind. It was a beautiful birth.

My water started leaking at 4 in the morning. I had gotten up to go pee and found that I would dribble every time I got up. I thought that the baby had moved into a funny position rendering me incontinent. It started to dawn on me that I might be in labor. I woke up the mister, he said "no way, it's too early, go back to bed". So I did. But I was still worried. I waited for a decent hour to come and then called the midwife. 8:00.

The midwife said it sounded like I was in labor. She helped put my mind at ease. She was calming and reassuring. She said the baby had been consistently measuring over in our prenatal visits. He could come now. So I got off the phone with her and started having contractions.

Well, first I had to tell the mister I really was in labor. He still didn't believe me. "Do you really think I should take off of work?" he asked. I was pretty sure and I knew if he stayed home, regardless of the outcome, he'd cook me breakfast. My best friend called I told her the news. She didn't believe it either.

Eggs, hash browns and bacon. It smelled delicious although I didn't eat a whole lot of it. The midwife came over at noon and I asked for a pelvic exam to see how far dilated it was. (I only had one pelvic exam my whole pregnancy and this was it...I was so happy). 3 centimeters, contractions 10 minuets apart. She said she'd come over at 5 but I should call her if things changed. I remember thinking, I hope things change way before then. I called her at 3 that afternoon. My contractions were 5 minuets apart now.

The midwife showed up with her assistant. I was sitting outside of our bathroom wrapped in a blanket. I had the chills and then a contraction would come and the blanket would come off. Unbearable heat flash...back to the chills. The midwife and her assistant sat at the kitchen table and did paper work. I felt that everything must be pretty normal if they're doing paperwork. I'll just keep having contractions on the floor. I moved around a lot trying to find a place to get comfortable. The hallway...nope. The couch...nah. The floor. It turns out there's no comfortable place when you're in labor. Then my clothes started to feel uncomfortable. I knew this meant I was progressing through labor. I don't know how I knew this I just did. At the point I stop caring who I'm naked in front of, the closer I am to having this baby. The shirt came off and I settled on the floor next to the couch for awhile. Apparently, the midwife thought also that I was progressing because she stopped doing her paperwork at the table.

I harfed up breakfast and got back to work moving around the house as best I could to find a comfy spot. The midwife and her assistant followed me with their blue surgical pads meant to catch the birth goo and protect our wood floors. I didn't care about the wood floors. I was looking for the magical spot to birth our son. We tried the birth chair and the toilet, the couch again and the floor. I ended up in the hallway just before 7pm in the birth chair singing like a beluga whale. I was sitting right below our doorbell chimes and every time I would howl in labor I could hear them vibrate. That's where our little boy was born. The mister caught him and held him as he took his first breath of air. After his head passed there was a gush of fluid and life and out he came. Right into the mister's hands. We all waddled over to the couch and I lay with our new baby and the mister. There we rested in stardust and applesauce. Our new family. I birthed the placenta. The midwifes cleaned everything up and feed us turkey, cheese and apple slices. They tucked us all into bed together and sang the little one a welcome to this world song. It really was beautiful. 7 pounds 12 ounces. A beautiful baby boy.

There you have it our birth story.

whew

Thank goodness that is over! It was a rough go of it the last two days. Let me tell you something, when I am sick and the mister is sick too, with a teething sick baby...it is not pretty. Those kinds of conditions bring the whiner out in me and not the pathetic whiner, the mean one. I actually called my husband a name under my breath yesterday. I haven't done something like that since I was in middle school. Well, if you don't count driving. I'm happy to be back up and running. Maybe now I can get some laundry done.

day 3

This was not what I had in mind when I signed up for NaBloPoMo. The little boy is doing just fine. Now it's me and the mister. Hopefully I'll resurface soon.

determination

literally covered in baby's vomit...too many times to count. poor little guy. I have a feeling I'm in for a long night. But I wasn't about to give up on Day 2.

a birthday party

I'm sure it's reveals something when today, we were preparing for the little one's first birthday party and I kept wondering when can I open the wine? It wasn't that I needed a drink to take the edge off or relax (yes, I'm pretty sure I do sound like an alcoholic)...although some of my family was there and they do have a tendency to get on my nerves. It was simply that we were having a party. And isn't that what adults do at parties? What was the last party I was at where alcohol wasn't involved? Okay, company holiday party. But when was the last party I hosted and didn't have alcohol? I'd have to stretch years back even before I was able to buy alcohol legally. It is almost as unfathomable as having a party without food (although I'm sure I've been to plenty during my college years). So I showed some restraint and waited until half way through. And yes, wine couples well with cupcakes. And my relatives.

So there you have it. For some reason this whole conundrum makes me feel more adult. Questioning the appropriateness of alcohol; when and where, having a one year old, throwing birthday parties for kiddos.

I'm starting to wonder if as the kids get older alcohol becomes more inappropriate...probably. For parties involving other parents and other kids I guess the wine waits until after the guests leave...I may have to hold separate parties then; one for the little boy's friends, where I show restraint and wait to pop the cork until after everyone is gone and another party for my family where there is little restraint and Momma can drink her wine with her piece of cake.

Family. Everyone has one. I'm grateful that as I have grown I have been able to choose my own family. I have also been able to more broadly define the word to include long time supportive friends. Friends that I often feel closer to than my relatives. That's a post for another day. For now, it's enough to say that the little boy's first birthday party was a success and momma got by with a little help from her friends. And her wine.

a year of parenting

It would make sense if I created a list after that title that ran through all of the changes, challenges and milestones this year. Suffice to say the only one I can remember at the moment is a lack of sleep for me and the hubby which continues to result in weakened brain function. That aside, the sleepiness, headache and achy left breast, the little boy turned one yesterday!

One year old! I was very excited about it yesterday. Me and the mister took the day off from work and took the little one out for a day of excitement and celebration. The little boy treated it like it was any old day, but me and the mister knew better. We played it out with the adorable little one all day long. Which is why I was so surprised when I awoke at three in the morning because the little one was wide awake. I mean sitting up giggling, wide awake. Turns out the little boy decided to tooth his first top tooth (he has his lower two) for his birthday slumber. Curiously, he was joyful. Me and the mister, not so much.

So here I sit, almost 10 in the morning and I feel like it's 5 in the morning. I feel like I've been up partying all night. I was in a much better mood this time yesterday, remembering the journey of labor and the excitement of birth. This morning, yelch. But don't worry, yesterday in all my glee I went through my old journal that I kept a year ago this time. There's lots to share! And I've decided to do NaBloPoMo. Again. This time I'm gonna try real hard not to bomb out.

if I had more time...

I would:

• read, read and read
• take a sculpting class
• take a nap
• cook more
• take a yoga class regularly
• bake more
• take a workshop on knitting and crochet
• write
• go to a writer's group or workshop
• create more every day

No matter how much time I do find, I can always put off:

• cleaning the hall closet
• cleaning out my car
• okay, any kind of cleaning at all that's more involved than straightening up
• balancing the checkbook

Wow, these lists weren't as long or horribly defeating as I thought they would be. Actually, in thinking about and writing them I feel really lucky and grateful that I don't have any major activities that I dread doing...I had a job once that was that way. So much of my day is filled with necessity and care taking. It's joyful and time consuming.

I've been struggling with balance lately. Balancing everything...work and home are the two biggies. I am working more at work than I care to. I really struggled this last week to balance my emotions and balance sleep and wakefulness. In other words, I wasn't sleeping well, even though for a change everyone else in my house was. My lack of sleep started to add up and I started to struggle with my emotions being ramped up as a result. I'm learning how important regular and good sleep is to me. Thankfully, I have had two good nights of it. I'm doing everything I can to ensure it continues.

I've noticed also, I've been hiding from the blogworld lately. Part of it is time, time, time. The other is my emotions running high. The last thing I want to do is write something publicly, even if it is anonymous. I teeter on the edge of how much to share here. (again, even though I've kept anonymity) I suppose that I have some fears about sharing. And since I'm in list mode, why not another list?

I'm afraid if I got more in depth about my life, feelings and thoughts here:

• people would judge me harshly
• I would be misunderstood and more harsh judging would ensue
• I'm coming up short here...maybe a list wasn't the best medium.

Wow, the magic power of lists! I look at those two bullets and I think, "Really? That's not so bad" I know people will judge wherever I go and what ever I do. It's not something I control. I'm surprised at that keeping me from doing something I would like to do. It's still scary sometimes. But it's a lot easier to manage and look at when it's just two itsy-bitsy bullet points.

One other thing that I think will be helpful for me: I will no longer compare myself to others. (okay, I'm gonna really try to do it less. It's not helpful for me in my process either.)