this weekend

• home made sloppy joes
• pumpkin carving
• painting our dining room chairs
• laundry, laundry and laundry
• dinner in front of the t.v.
• perfect weather

sigh

still here blogworld - with nothing witty, or humorous. no rants, no raves. just here. I am well, healthy, grateful and boring.

also, I would really like a blog make over. maybe that would give me the umf I need to say something interesting.

Yesterday, I visited hubby's work after having lunch with the boy and a friend. We went to see his new office and show off our little one to all of his co-workers. Half way through our visit I caught a glimpse of myself in a window reflection; no make up, a ratty tee-shirt, I was covered in avocado from the little boy, green splotches all over. When I was younger, I swore I would never be what I saw in that reflection. I thought, "I will always dress up to see my man". Ha. Even further, it doesn't even bother me that I don't care. It's like I get it now, and I didn't then. I have much more important things to think about.

Somehow that story seemed fitting...just feeling a little lack luster... I guess part of me would still like to look fabulous and glamorous while being super mom.

happy october

I love October. I love Fall. I especially love Halloween. It's a time for honoring Autumn and darkness. A celebration of the things that seem too scary to look at or claim. Our fears motivate us. Often times, I struggle to even acknowledge or speak about that which scares me. Inevitably, once I do speak up I get support, I learn, I become empowered and that which was scary loses power. The unknown holds all kinds of possibility. It can be scary and exciting. Fall seems to encompass these two things for me as we face the darkness of Winter. The crisp in the air encourages me to embrace that which is unknown - stake my claim, dig deep and open to the outcomes.

a poem for you

The Butterfly, by jo

Does the beautiful butterfly know she has wings?
Is she aware of ethereal flashings beating behind her
supporting her every action?
twisting. flitting. through morning's dew.
fragile and eternal
Supported with gossamer veils
existing in both worlds.

Does she know of them?
Is she aware she is always connected?
in all ways supported.
Does she sometimes wonder at herself?
feel alone and separate.
Only catching glimpses in peripheral
madly chasing
moving wildly to grasp that which is her birthright.

That which could not leave her -

for even a caterpillar is a butterfly,
if only on the inside.
and that is where it counts.

blogworld fix my family

It seems that I've taken a bit of a vacation from blogging this month. I've been debating on how much to share, why am I blogging anyway and so forth. Battles with the inner critic. Oh, and I really did go on vacation, except that I returned home feeling like it was one of those vacations you need a vacation from.

The long and the short of it: my family is nuts. And while I really enjoy flair, personality, and general zaniness, my family takes the fun out of dysfunctional. I struggle to make peace with it all, not get too involved and not take it personally.

The truth of the matter is that this time, I did a really good job. I didn't get in the middle of anything. I was able to express my love and support to everyone involved. I upheld clear boundaries and took care of myself. I must be growing up.

Having recognized and said all of that I've been struggling with still feeling unsatisfied. I think now, as I write this it's taken me the last few weeks to figure it out...I'm unsatisfied because...well, my family is still nuts. No matter what I do I can't change that. It's not something I control. I can take care of myself and nurture me and my own little family; keeping us sane and healthy, laughing. But I can't control my bigger family. I can take myself out of the equation in a way that feels healthy for me but it doesn't change them. Doing my hard work for me doesn't give me the healthy extended family I want. And sometimes that's sad and frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying.

What it does do however: it keeps me sane and safe from their craziness, it allows me to create safety and sanity in my new immediate family with my hubby and little boy, and it takes so much less energy. I feel like instead of getting wrapped up in stuff I don't control, in stuff that's not mine, I can see more clearly and grieve what I need to about having an extended family that is not cohesive and doesn't communicate with one another.

And having realized and shared that with you, I am satisfied. And back from hiatus.

Thanks Blogworld, you've done it again.

dinner for one

The weather is finally cool and so today we cooked a meal that involves the oven. I always look forward to this time of year. When the weather cools I get a hankering to bake and cook casseroles. And so tonight, as my dear husband looks forward to the start of Monday Night Football (ugh) we prepared a Mexican casserole.

The only problem is that there is a severe case of what can only be described as crankiness going around in our house. Last week it was the mister, tonight it's me and the boy. Even in writing this I loathe, although what exactly it is I loathe I cannot say. It's just a general distaste - for everything: my husbands singing, the cooler weather, our dog, our house...you name it. All attempts at cheering me up this far have been met with steely glances. And so my gracious and patient husband is sitting with the little boy in his room playing with toys giving me a chance to eat and blog. I suspect when I finish eating it will be (and should be) the mister's turn to eat.

Despicable and horrid, that's how I feel and I have no good reason for it. My current fantasy involves me, alone, a dark and hidden cave, some mojitos and a plush and warm king sized bed. That's where I'm at folks...I guess in the mean time, I'll settle for a bath.

Sweet September

Catching up on blogging this morning. Re-heated coffee in my new favorite mug, sitting ears perched, door open - the little one napping in the car. The DNC is over and with it marking the end of summer. Finally, cooler weather. Crisp fresh mornings. Blankets used to snuggle and keep in warmth as opposed to thrashing them off in the sticky heat of the night. One day I will write an Ode to Fall. How I love Autumn, let me count the ways... for now, suffice to say that I feel like a new woman.

In catching up on my blogging this morning I've come across some inspirational stuff. Lisa Lucky and Jen Lee have written posts recently that remind me: we all struggle with staying in the moment, we all struggle with self judgment, patients, and sharing your story with others who are compassionate is healing.

What can I say? The universe is conspiring on my behalf. And today I am feeling it in my bones. It is delicious!