transparency

It has been some time since I've been around here. I have been having an identity crisis, as a blogger. And it has been paralyzing. Hence, the lack of posts around here lately. It's been going on for sometime now. Since I started blogging. I even think maybe before then...I spent lots of time thinking about how I wanted to present myself out there in the world wide web. I have yet to come up with anything solid that my inner critic hasn't gaffed at. It's been especially bad that last week of April. I started a few entries but everything sounded whiny. I hate it when I sound pathetic and writing that sounds even worse. But alas, the only way out is through and for me that means spoiling it all and coming clean. Owning up and telling you about it.

So, here's how I struggle - or rather how I would like to present myself. I would like to be seen as someone who mostly has it all together, but at the same time is interesting, funny but not disrespectful, creative, moving forward, accomplished (not quite sure what that would look like), open and exciting. The funny part is that I am all of those things - I suppose I have a lot of self judgement about what and how I write. It needs to sound "good" (again, what does that mean exactly?) From here on out I am giving myself permission to no longer worry about this. I am going to have faith that it will all come out in the wash. I don't control how others see me. And trying makes me a little crazy and takes a lot of time but doesn't accomplish much.

It's curious struggling with identity - with how I want others to perceive me. It happens in real life too - In real life it shows up as a wardrobe crisis, in which nothing I own seems to express the way I want to be presented. I can find fault with any and all of my outfits - and so I must try them all on. The especially curious thing about a blogger identity crisis: I am completely anonymous. The www doesn't know me from Eve. In one way that could be very liberating but for me mostly it's resulted in a writer's paralysis in which nothing I say sounds right. And I wonder about what I need to say and how I need to say it. Then I forgot entirely what I started blogging for. I'm starting to think, in part it was to figure some of this stuff out.

I don't think I'm going to start airing all my dirty laundry out here on the net but I do think I will share more and worry less about how it's received. I appreciate readers and by trying to sound a certain way, I'm really robbing you of a more authentic me - and therefore robbing myself of real feedback from you. It's refreshing to see others' flaws and imperfections. I feel less alone and I can learn more about how to walk with my imperfections with grace. So here I go and maybe in the end they'll say, "no one could slip and fall quite as beautifully as she could".