My body doesn't belong to me anymore! I share it with a drooling ravenous infant. And even if my body was completely mine, I'm not sure I would recognize it. I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere close to my pre-pregnancy weight but my fat seems to have redistributed itself and seems to be taking an even more flabby appearance than before. My fat used to say supple and "Hey baby, I'm built for comfort not speed." Now, I'm just amazed at the different texture of my skin over my fat - none of it sexy, from stretchy chicken skin (breasts) to stretch marks (thighs). I feel like a warrior queen after an amazing labor and birth but I look like I've actually been in a war. I'm losing my hair another fabulous side effect to all the wonderful hormones coursing through me (see also moodiness). Have I mentioned sleep deprivation or the fact that I'm also sharing my bed with baby? And while you may think a 3-4 month old baby wouldn't take up much room he's managed to make himself as large as possible while sleeping. All this nagging in my head and a to do list that isn't getting done.
Well, I've solved the mystery of my moodiness (see also hormones).
Whew! Coming down off that one.
I struggle lately with the uglier stuff. and I hate that. I'm having a hard time finding balance and that little voice in my head says I should be there already. (where's there?) People always say how hard being a parent is but I don't think there's any way to really understand it until you're in it. and here I am. Feeling guilty I don't love every minute of it and wondering if that means I'm a bad mom. (I gotta get over that one quick!)
I have so much to be grateful for. Really. I despise this nagging voice inside my head that directs my attention away from everything that's wonderful in my life. I just can't seem to get it to quiet down for any length of time. It creeps back in right when I think I've got it. I just hope I find a new center for myself and get the hang of this whole thing soon. Then when I do it can all change again!
1 comment:
I am so proud of you for voicing this. It took me over a year to work up enough courage to tell the world exactly how I felt about my "new" body because this is stuff no one really talks about for fear of being labled "bitchy, complainer, whiner." I wrote about it on my blog (and actually posted pictures) and it was the most freeing experience. I hope you are finding the same release as you write. I look forward to reading more from you ;)
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